Betrayed & caring about others opinons...

[sosilver]

I need to know why I care so much about what others think about me. It’s eating me up...There’s other underlying issues in this but I am trying to work on the emotional toil this issue is putting me in.

 

I found out that last week, my Bf got drunk and discussed our relationship issues with one of my “trusted good friend" and some other people who are NOT my friends. Now this so called "good friend" already knew about some of the issues (that I had confided a couple yrs ago) and offered that side of the story too. So of course everything came out, and I was portrayed as the worst person possible. Because they don’t know me...they were trying to make HIM feel better by making him realize I never appreciated him and that I have a GOD COMPLEX?!??!?!

 

I am DONE with both of them, I hung around 2 years on making things work with this guy, and he COULD NOT communicate with me. I knew he had issues with me and me with him. I kept telling him to TALK. He doesn’t know how he said, and started counseling. We have been on a break since October working on this and had NC from October to Jan this year, when he came back saying he is ready to work on things.

 

And since this event, I keep imagining them talking about my relationship issues, knowing only one side of the story and blaming it on me. I feel so betrayed and hurt but both him and that friend and those other people that I know who were present in that conversation. This is HARD because I am a very private person!

 

People whose opinion shouldn’t matter to me, is mattering to me. I am spending hours agonizing what they think, especially if I know they don’t know the truth about me. I want to tell them and I want them to know. I really trusted that this guy was getting better, but he went ahead and made himself feel good. I know I shouldn’t care, but it was all bout him FEELING GOOD and making me look bad.

 

And what making me angrier is that he had to go to someone I thought I could trust and that person was primarily my friend. By bf would tell me I was lucky to have that friend and that he wishes he had some one like that. They can have each other!!!

 

I am so ANGRY and HURT!!! I mean, since this meeting, instead of dealing with me, the bf is talking to this girl (one of the PEOPLE who he aired this out in front of). And now she is his support. All he told me is that he “realized some things about the relationship and is trying to phrase it right so that it doesn’t come out wrong”

 

Here is the fun part: He doesn’t know that I know about his meeting and conversation, he told another mutual friend and she told me. I am glad she told me because I had no idea this went down, but I know he is planning to meet me to talk and our mutual friend will be there to moderate.

 

She told him that he shouldn’t have done that and he said that he was desperate and it all came out. And that they helped him. And now he needs to tell me that I never appreciated him, always put him down and thats what messed him up. Like: its not me, its you.

 

This is false, if you read my other post: you will know that I am out on a limb, helping him.

 

Please!

 

 

Tell me how I can let go….so that I don’t focus on everyone knows and what they think of me.

 

I want to focus on this mess of a relationship so that I can END it.

 

How do I make my self not care?

[Eire1]

I'm very similar to you in that I am very private and HATE it when my business gets spread around by people whom I believed I could trust.

 

It's been very difficult for me to come to terms with it - things that I'm embarassed about being known by people who have no business knowing it - and, it's always due to supposed friends and family members (with their own competitive & self-serving agendas) who have big mouths, and really don't care about me at the end of the day.

 

You might want to go to your BF and tell him that the two of you need to keep the specifics of your business to yourselves. Tell him you've heard that he's been bad mouthing you to mutual friends and that it's not fair to you. You're not there to give your version of events, and if you did the same surely he'd see that it wasn't fair to him.

 

Eventually, you'll learn, just like I have, that you really cannot trust anyone. It's a hard lesson, because when you're down it really helps to confide in people whom you want so much to trust, but ultimately people are social creatures and tend to spread stuff without even thinking about it. Sometimes they don't even do it maliciously - it's just their nature.

[Moz]

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[stickman]

I got this from a good book and it helped me.

 

Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves to be concerned about you and what you are thinking.

 

Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can't tell what’s best or what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?

 

The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable!! People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. So don’t dwell on it! Relax.

[Moz]

You can't stop caring because that is your nature.

[Eire1]

You can't stop caring because that is your nature.

Yeah, this is true. The advice that sounds most practical and like the ultimate solution is "don't care what others think," but personally, I don't know how to make myself not care. I wish I didn't give a rat's a$$, but unfortunately I do.

 

Maybe I was programmed at an early age to care about other's opinions, and it's so instilled in me that I won't ever be able to truly shake it out of my mindset.

[sosilver]

You can't stop caring because that is your nature.

 

 

How am I supposed to stop it from hurting me? Its on my mind...

 

I am soooo ANGRY!

 

We will be meeting, and he will tell me all this, and I wont get past : YOU TALKED TO THEM ABOUT THIS???

 

Like I said, It wouldnt matter if they were just people he knew and not me! He has plenty friends I dont know.

 

He had to go look for them!!! and I havent seen them in a year! They dont know my business!!!! BUT NOW THEY DO!

[Eire1]

How am I supposed to stop it from hurting me? Its on my mind...

 

I am soooo ANGRY!

 

We will be meeting, and he will tell me all this, and I wont get past : YOU TALKED TO THEM ABOUT THIS???

 

Like I said, It wouldnt matter if they were just people he knew and not me! He has plenty friends I dont know.

 

He had to go look for them!!! and I havent seen them in a year! They dont know my business!!!! BUT NOW THEY DO!

The only advice I can give is to try and not worry about what you can't control. Right now what's done is done, and as I've mentioned, I would be as angry and hurt as you are.

 

I'm guessing that those he blabbed to will take into consideration that you two are having problems and therefore discount some of what he says. The friend who told you about it obviously came to you with the info, so she gave you the benefit of the doubt.

[sosilver]

The only advice I can give is to try and not worry about what you can't control. Right now what's done is done, and as I've mentioned, I would be as angry and hurt as you are.

 

I'm guessing that those he blabbed to will take into consideration that you two are having problems and therefore discount some of what he says. The friend who told you about it obviously came to you with the info, so she gave you the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

 

You are right, Thats how I am trying to look at it.

 

I am thinking about how to handle the meeting.

 

I dont even know when it will be. Its up to him.