Need help

[Drpepper]

I want to start by saying that I was married for 14 years to a woman that was very VERY separated when it came to emotions. She was very independent and head strong and I (the Male) was more of the emotional one who loved the affection.

 

I will elaborate some on my past before going to my current problem. I love to be in love. I think that love is something can live forever in a relationship IF you let it. My first wife was the type that had to be told to hold my hand, rub my neck or just come sit by me. She felt if she was not doing something like helping a friend or working she was wasting time and life. She could not funciton without a list. I did not like this ALL the time. We ended up calling it quits after 14 years and it was a hard decision after we had 2 kids. I have been single for 3 years and here is what my problem is.

 

I met this wonderful woman in my appartments while I was living there. We met in the laundry mat of all places and talked briefly. She was at the time in a relationship but our conversation was plutonic and not very intrusive. She happened to live right behind my appartment and one day came to my door to talk. She confided in me that she was not happy and since I had been through a divorce she wanted to know the best way to end her relationship, she was not married just living with him for 5 years. I told her that she needed to be true to herself and make sure she was doing this to make her happy. I asked her if she gave all she could to him, because at this time I was not even thinking we would amount to more than friends, and she said yes. Many hours of conversation took place and after she left I felt good about what had happened.

 

A month went by and we talked some here and there and then I noticed his truck was no longer around. She had made the decision. After that she began to call some and stop in and meet my kids. We just hung out as I am not the type to just have sex with women for fun. After a month or 2 we decided that there was enough there to begin a serious relationship. I was in love. We did not move in together as I told her that to do that we needed to be engaged or married as thats what I want to teach my kids. Sounds corny but its what I wanted. She agreed.

 

In November of last year my mother was in the hospital and about to pass away when Tammie asked if we could change the rule about moving in as she was wasting money renting an apartment when I had room for her at my house. I agreed and we bagan the look for a ring. My mom passed on the 9th and she moved in on the 8th so the timing was not great. We got engaged on Christmas and she was SOOOOO happy. She was so proud and treated me very well and was genuinely happy.

 

Once in my house I treated her like a queen offering her the attention I knew she wanted from her last relationship and never got. I would run her baths, warm up her towels and leave notes here and there for her to find either in her car or on her computer monitor. I would send her emails some because it was so exciting to get those when we were not living together. I bought her things because the last man did not work much and she basically supported him and was going to school at the same time. Our relationship was looking as if it was heaven sent and I felt so secure that I was with the one who truly loved me.

 

About a month ago she stopped showing affection. She began to pull away some and I could not figure out that it was. There is not another man I can say that. She finnally told me that I was smothering her with all my attention. That I was a known, a constant and that she felt like the newness was not there anymore. This is hard for me to understand as in the beginning she LOVED this stuff. She is about to graduate her RN stuff and I am not sure where our relationship is going. Her stress level is high due to all the tests she is about to take and the fact that she is so close to completing something. I am the only person who has supported her besides her parents in obtaining this as her last person held her back so much.

 

This weeked she took a trip to San Antonio with her sister and I am giving her some time away from me and the kids to let her think and enjoy herself. A few days before she left I sat her down and took off the ring and sat it on the table. I told her all that I felt and where I was gettting thses feelings from and that when she broke down some and said she was not sure about the future. She does not know where she will be working and I mentioned to her that I cannot move more than 70 miles away from my current location because I want to be close to my kids. She KNEW this before we got together and became serious. After the talk I went and picked up the ring and held it out, I said that this is usm our love our committment to tomorrow. This ring means we will means we will out our heart into this and make it work. I tolkd her that if she puts it back on she commits to this and if she doesnt I would not hate her but she needed to move on because I cannot be in a relationship where I feel like this. She put it back on.

 

Am I stupid to think this will work? Should I just pull the plug now and beging the healing portion now? I spent 9500 on the ring for her because she wanted a nice ring now instead of buying a bigger one later. I got fixed because she did not want any kids. I have given to the point where now its time for her to make ME feel secure. How do I proceede now? Her mother, whom she is very close to tells me that Tammie loves me with all her heart and that she wants this to work out because I am the best thing for her daughter.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I love this woman more than I can explain in words. She is the one for me I feel but I also dont want to look like a fool down the road.

[Shelly333]

This is a hard one. So she is confused, that is normal. I think that you need to not rush into the marriage thing and see how things go for a while. After she put the ring on, did she seem to really try to make things work? Did her attitude change? These are very important questions!

 

The thing is, you are a romantic. You need it in return. If she is going to be detached, or is staying with you for any other reason than pure love, then it will obviously go sour eventually. See, I like all the love notes, kind acts, hand holding, snuggling, just like you. It is very foreign to my husband. The beautiful thing is that he has really made a concerted effort during our dating and marriage to TRY. I can tell that he's doing it to make me happy, which means a lot to me. It's all about the attitude. Now, if I had married someone who it came very naturally to, would things be easier? Yes. But I love him and I was willing to make it work if he tried, too.

 

I hope that she is really putting her heart in to the relationship and is doing all she can to make it work. If not, it might be downhill once you are hitched (hopefully not!). Good luck!