Can you really be friends with respect with an ex ?

[fantasia2004]

I thought friendship is about respect. To each other and yoursel.f

 

So why be disrespected by someone who keeps claiming that they do respect you when they don't and falsely accused you of not taking this friendship seriously? Right after months of a breakup?

[Michael2]

Friendship with a past SO, can only happen when you BOTH parties are truly healed.

 

If one party still has strong feelings for the other, the friendship is doomed. Mainly because one party is using the friendship as a vehicle to a possible reconciliation.

 

Friendships are SO hard when you loved someone.

 

I am going to go out a limb here, but if you loved someone, then a month later decide to be their friend, did you really ever love them to begin with?

[vfunkera]

hey fantasia,

 

You don't sound very happy . It really does depend on who broke up with who. Did you break up or did they decide to finish it?

 

I can't analyse anything, except speak from my own cruel experience and from what i have read here from others. I don;t think you can really be friends with an ex unless both of you move on and see each other and want each other only as friends.

 

When the dumper decides to finish it, they -especially women- no longer want to really know you and when people chase, it will only push them further away. They have probably thought about a break up for weeks and months, and to them you are now out of their way and life. I speak these words from experience- an ex of mine, who might i add was shy, sweet and very insecure, told me we could still be friends and meet for lunch or whatever when we had time right after she finished it- and when i did approach her, she simply ignored me and acted like we'd never met.

 

Why do they say such comforting words? Simply because its to

cool the heat of the moment, and also because they feel guilty that they have come down too hard. In most cases, they are meaningless and pointless- i learnt the hard way. Those who do keep in contact probably miss you and the relationship, or are simply dragging you along in case things don't work out in their new love life.

 

Thats not to say im generalising dumpers and anything else im saying here. There are the minority who do want to keep a friendship simply because they will value the person they decided to dump as friend, and not have the hidden agenda to keep them if they things don't go right. But those who have this mind state are rare and scarce.

 

As for the dumpee? Well they will chase the dumper and stay in contact, not because they want to stay friends, but because they're hidden agenda deep down is to some how persuade their ex to come back to them. And when they realise the ex won't come back, they will stay away and try to heal off, by which time they have healed, they probably don't want to even know their ex anymore simply because they aren't really concerned for them. By this time its the dumpers will either want the their ex back, and must make initiate contact and let them know, or they will have moved on as well.

 

And if it was love, then like Micheal said, its doomed because one can't really fall out of love (if they do then it wasn't love in the first place) so they will always hurt when you see them, so they simply stay away.

 

That is the general cycle and path of an ex-boy/girlfriend relationship/friendship. Of course there are those who have taken the successful path and remained pals, but a lot of them -especially the dumpee- would still have feelings and have simply repressed and hidden them. They may have got use to the pain they feel when around that ex, but its still there and it'll come up again at an appropriate time.

 

Hope that clears up things.

[EmptySoul]

it is really hard to be friends with an ex, especially if you loved them. sometimes old feelings will resurface and complicate things or cause jealousy and confusion...

EmptySoul

[fantasia2004]

Emptysoul you are right also.

 

To vfunkera,

 

 

You explained it very clearly but I have a few things to say.

 

Yes I am unhappy about the breakup because I was the one who was dumped and he left me and was dating someone within in a week. I felt that it was a game because he kept showing up when I called him and he wanted us to be friends slowly or right away as he said.

 

For me it has been as usual, difficult to deal with the end and finally heal. I of course did most of the chasing so maybe he is more likely to stay away because of my persistent pleading and begging this of course happened Ithin 3-4 months time He seems happy has moved on or is it a rebound stage? But for me I can't lose my self respect and self esteem anymore. And I hope that maybe he really did want to be friends in time but by then I will have healed and forgot all about him. I don't know if it was love he claims he did. I still love him but I think it might be wearing off. I just don't know anymore. And I don't want to have my feelings played with. Or maybe he was acting disrepectful just to get away from me even though he contradicts himself (in my opinion) saying in a annoyed way when (we had an argument) that I am not taking the friendship idea seriously. I just don't get it. If it does not make sense then tell me right now. My head is not clear trying to understand this along with everything and move on with my life. Whew am I driving myself crazy!

[vfunkera]

I could feel your confusion towards the end of that post fantasia.

 

I have always thought that it is best to not think about why they break up with you. Usually its the same excuse- 'i don't love you anymore', 'i want to be friends', but there is always something more then that.

 

This may apply more to guys then girls, but a break up mainly happens for 4 reasons-

 

-You did something that angered them (cheated on her, lied to her etc)

-Crises of circumstance. Maybe they wants to go for a career, the parents discourage the relationship (common in Asian countries) etc.

-There is someone else

-They simply lost interest in you (does not necessarily mean there is someone else)

 

But its usually a combination of two or three. Don't try to pin-point what went wrong and why because the truth will never usually come out of them. And don't try to work it out for yourself, because it will lead to more confusion and raise more questions.

 

What you need to do now is look after yourself and save some pride, like you have just said. Know whats right for you.

 

Good luck

[fantasia2004]

Yes you are right.

 

I know I cannot change it because I will stop myself from healing ever.

 

I know he left because how I had a bad attitude and being depressesed(because of insecurities and battling a life threatening illness). I guess I'm bitter. but when I asked he also says I did not leave because of her but I hope he is happy and I find happiness too. Even if it is a rebound relationship. It does help.

[kathyk]

vfunkera

do you think when this happens there is a chance the two will ever be reunited? i have had some of this happen to me. i am moving on now but i really would like the relationship to work.

my posts kathyk. please see what you think.

thank you

[pip]

Michael2 is dead right. It's certainly possible to be friends with your ex - but it takes time. I am evidence of that. My ex and I are even practically best friends now. I know that's probably quite rare, but it can happen.

 

When we were going out, neither of us did anything wrong to the other - we broke up because our personalities weren't suited. I was bored and unfulfilled with his personality, and he wanted something else too. So there was no animosity or hostility whatsoever. That's why we're great friends now, because even though we weren't meant to be together romantically, we have enormous respect for ecahother.

[fantasia2004]

To pip and everyone,

 

In the future years to come, that may or may not happen. Only time will tell. By then when it won't even matter. I will be content with that.

 

I am all that matters and if my ex wants to be my friend which probably will be not, then fine but I might not want to reciprocate once I get my life in

order. That is just me.

 

 

Right now I just want to work on me. That is what is important right now.

[anathema]

I feel the same way. I've decided to work on myself, bring myself back to the person I was before the relationship, and just get things back on track and better.

 

Just a question for the success stories. In your cases, how long did it take for you to become friends again with your ex? I'm not trying to set schedules or anything. Just curious.