Morley3226 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Hi there, I am 28 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 5 years, and lived together for 2. We are each others best friend, we do everything together, and there is nothing that we don't share with one another. We are in love. The problem is that he has two kids, and has had a vascectomy, and I am desperate for a child. He has told me that he is very sorry, but he does not want anymore, no matter how we went about it. (him getting a reversal, adoption, sperm donation) He is amazing with all kids, and bases his life around his own....I can't imagine him being happy when his are gone away, which will only be another couple of years. He was very young when he had them, and in a marriage he did not want to be in, now he feels like he is finally going to be able to do all the things he missed out on, which I understand, but he is willing to lose me because of this. I have told him that I have to have a family, and that I will have to leave....but I love him so much. I am in a desperate situation:sad: Any input would be great, thank-you. Liz Link to comment
hers Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Have you always known he doesn't want more children? When did he have the vasectomy? Link to comment
coolgirl Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I had a same situation but I was married to my husband at the time being. We were together for 5 years but were married for 3 years. And when i asked him the subject of kids to him he said he didnt want any at all. I wouldn't had gone through marrying him if I knew he didnt want any at all. As hard as it was parting ways but you have to do what makes you happy. I know i want children one day. But I want to have children with a person that wants to have a child. If you need to talk more feel free to pm me. Link to comment
hers Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I had a same situation but I was married to my husband at the time being. We were together for 5 years but were married for 3 years. And when i asked him the subject of kids to him he said he didnt want any at all. I wouldn't had gone through marrying him if I knew he didnt want any at all. As hard as it was parting ways but you have to do what makes you happy. I know i want children one day. But I want to have children with a person that wants to have a child. If you need to talk more feel free to pm me. I'm curious why the matter wasn't discussed before marriage? Link to comment
coolgirl Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I'm curious why the matter wasn't discussed before marriage? I am guessing the topic of children were never brought up before marriage. I wanted to settle down and have a family of my own and i thought thats what he wanted too but I guess I was wrong and plus it didnt work out anyway I had nothing to loose if it didnt happen with this one maybe there is someone out there that's wanting to have a family my ex husband was never a family man. Link to comment
Morley3226 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Hi....he had his vasectomy years before we met, but he always talked about the possibilty of having kids together, because he loved kids, he thought it would be an amazing experience to do it with someone that you love so much. We even researched the reversal procedure. So for the first 4 years it was a maybe, but in the last year we have talked very seriously about it, and he would always say not right now. With pressure for a solid answer it is a no. I'm not even asking him for this right now, I just need to know it's going to be in the future. Link to comment
hers Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I am guessing the topic of children were never brought up before marriage. I wanted to settle down and have a family of my own and i thought thats what he wanted too but I guess I was wrong and plus it didnt work out anyway I had nothing to loose if it didnt happen with this one maybe there is someone out there that's wanting to have a family my ex husband was never a family man. But I mean, if you're going to marry someone, doesn't the topic come up at least once? I'm curious why the marriage took place without this ever being discussed. It's a pretty big make-or-break issue! Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 This is about the biggest dealbreaker there is....sorry.. You cannot and should not force him to agree to raise a child. No good will come of that, for him, yourself, and most importantly the child. If you give up your dream to have a child for the relationship, you will eventually resent him for it. However, it is highly possible that you will realize how deeply you resent it only once it is too late for you to start over with someone else. IMO, the most important decision one can make is whether or not to bring life into the world. you absolutely MUST agree that this is something you both want, or it will only end in tears.... If he is steadfast, and I'd say a vasectomy is pretty much a done deal, then the only choices left to you are to give up your plans of motherhood, or find someone who wants to share that experience with you. I don't recommend you make this sacrifice for your relationship. If you were married and one of you discovered yourself unable, that's a different story. Here it is all about choices. Link to comment
coolgirl Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Hi....he had his vasectomy years before we met, but he always talked about the possibilty of having kids together, because he loved kids, he thought it would be an amazing experience to do it with someone that you love so much. We even researched the reversal procedure. So for the first 4 years it was a maybe, but in the last year we have talked very seriously about it, and he would always say not right now. With pressure for a solid answer it is a no. I'm not even asking him for this right now, I just need to know it's going to be in the future. He may so NO right not but do ask him how about in the future would he want more? You also need to know were you stand as far as having kids and from there you be able to make a better decision on whether to stay or not to stay in the relationship ask him when he think he will be ready for it. Link to comment
coolgirl Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 But I mean, if you're going to marry someone, doesn't the topic come up at least once? I'm curious why the marriage took place without this ever being discussed. It's a pretty big make-or-break issue! This sitruation with kids with my ex husband was a very big deal to me and i talked about it to my mother at one point. As to were i stand with my husband at the time being. It came up once d uring the marriage when he said he didnt want any at all that was when I said I cant handel it anymore bc I didnt want to be with a person not knowing if he ever wanted to have kids or not. Link to comment
hers Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 This sitruation with kids with my ex husband was a very big deal to me and i talked about it to my mother at one point. As to were i stand with my husband at the time being. It came up once d uring the marriage when he said he didnt want any at all that was when I said I cant handel it anymore bc I didnt want to be with a person not knowing if he ever wanted to have kids or not. But before you were married, was it ever discussed? Why wasn't it if so? Link to comment
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