Post summary "Wham,Bam,What just happened?

[AF Model]

Hi,

 

First off i'd like to thank everyone who posts on this website, whether it be problem or reply, it's been comforting.

 

Ever since my now ex wanted to take a break, roughly a month ago, I found this website and have visited more frequently since. You would think over a month I would have learned something from everyone, but alas I think it would best to just post my problem first hand instead of being a guest. This'll be a long post because I want everyone to have ever piece of relevant information that has gone through my head, and I hope everyone will do me a favor and help me out. This is by far the toughest time of my life as you'll see.

 

My past:

 

Growing up I was a very outgoing little kid. Around the age of eight my parents decided to move back by their families. My family didn't have much money so we rented a farm house out in the middle of nowhere. Over the 2 years we lived here I gained an enormous amount of weight.

 

At age 10 we moved back to where I currently live. Kids were very cruel to me and it pushed me into a shell, and the only people allowed in were my close friends.

 

At age 15 I decided enough was enough and lost weight (5'5", 210 lbs. to 5'8", 120 lbs.) all over a 6 month period. So as you can see it was a drastic weight loss and it almost put me back in the same position as I was being overweight. I eventually got very interested in health and fitness and this changed my life.

 

When I turned 18 and headed off to college girls started to notice me more, but the verbally abused kid was still inside me. I didn't know what to do, I was like a fat kid at a buffet. I have had tons of female friends and girlfriends between age 18 and the present, but this fat kid has never really left and I think it has presented problems in my relationships.

 

I've never really cared if me or a girl broke-up (avg. relationship life span = 4 months), if it happened it happened, but the girlfriend before this recent one broke-up with me was the first one that I semi-cared about even though it lasted maybe five months.

 

Her past (from what I've learned):

 

Her family is decently well off. She from a state nearly 1800 mi. from where I live, but she goes to college here. She is approximately 2 1/2 yrs. younger then I am. Before she met me she was in a relationship for 4 years. She came to school here because her boyfriend was planning to come here, but she got here first. The relationship she had with her ex, according to her, was one where he was very demanding and verbally abusive from time to time but he loved her alot and gave her lots too. He at some point in there relationship wanted a break from her and took it, over this time he messed around with some girl. He eventually wanted her back and she took him back. A couple months later she came to college and he continued to be an butt even from far away. Two monts afterward she decided to end it.

 

About one month after she broke up with him her college friends decided to introduce her to one of their guy friends, so she could "live a little". Well she ended up making out with this guy once or twice.

 

*Keep in mind everything I've said was prior to me knowing her*

 

The Meat and Potatoes (Our Past):

 

About a month after this guy, we'll call him Graham, we met at an extra credit thing for a class. I was interested in her, but she was a friend of one of my ex's. I had hoped that one day i'd run into her and sure enough a week later I did and asked her for her number. Later that night we rented a movie and from there we started talking. She told me her past and using my better judgement from past relationship I knew I liked her and if I wanted it to happen I should just let it go and let someone come before me.

 

Well, me being a guy and the fat kid inside saw cupcakes and wanted at it. So she ended up coming over 3 of the nights of finals week (The week prior to Christmas vacation). The day she had to go to the airport she stopped by and we talked and she said that she liked me but we can't become anything. Well she called me the following day and she told me she had missed her plane and that she went out with her friends, she got drunk, and of course Graham was one of them. From there I wanted to let it go, so I didn't talk to her for a week and then I called her, from that day forward she would call me every night and we'd talk for nearly 5 hrs.+. I began to fall for her, but knew I shouldn't. Well over the break she hung out with her ex and I went out and had fun, but kept it clean because I didn't want her to find out I did anything and become disappointed.

 

The morning she came back I had a girl over (nothing happened, because I didn't want to disappoint), so I kicked her butt out so I could see Amber. She came over and we layed in bed for a long time and she said that she had to go to her place to drop stuff off and that her friends were going home for the weekend and that she was going to hangout with them. We weren't together yet so I wasn't going to say anything. Well Sunday I got a call from her and she was asking what was going on and I asked how her weekend was. She said she got very drunk, I asked where she'd stayed and she said at Graham's. I was pissed but I wasn't going to be the jealous type. Joking around I asked if she gave him head. She said "yes". Now for some reason I find giving head as bad if not worse then sex, so I was like hell no and got off the phone.

 

She called me back and said that she was scared about how much she liked me and that she didn't want to be in a relationship and that messing around would affirm it, but called me up two seconds later and said that she made a mistake and that she was on her way back to fix things.

 

Well since I had a huge weakness for her already I gave in after awhile and we began to spend every second together. This continued through the whole year of our relationship. She became my best friend, she is the only person I have ever been able to spend so much time with and never run out of things to say or want to kill.

 

I met her family and they treated me better then my actual parents. Things couldn't be better. I knew I loved her and I could marry her, but knowing our age and the fat kid inside was screaming "What the hell are you doing?" So I kind of was flakey from time to time about the relationship. The only other few fights consisted of when my parents would get on me about things that I hand no control over and I'd become pissed about their constant complain (Amber being around of course she got some of the steam I left off) her naggin' me about whether or not her sister was hotter then her and i consistently told her no and to stop being so insecure, well one day she asked me and I was tired of it and I was told her "Fine she is, is that what you want". she took it bad and I of course didn't mean it. Other then that everything was perfect. She said I was the one and I made her happy........

 

Fast Forward...... I fly home with her for Christmas and spent 2 1/2 weeks with her. While she was there she got a boob job, I was impartial to it, I told her no she was fine the way she was but the deicision was hers. Well over this time, my parents were making me come home early beause they wanted me to get a job. So I left with 2 weeks left in the break. Over that time she'd call me about 3 times a day and I'm on anti-depressant medicines and have been off of them and it was causing me to become irratable, so when I was doing stuff and she would call to talk about her friends (girls and guys) I got tired of it and got off the phone.

 

Then came the day I was suppose to pick her up from the airport, she drove her vehicle to my parents house and left it there so we could go to the airport together. Well the day before she told me she wanted us to go back to school so she could hangout with her friends. I explained that it was dumb because her plane comes in at 9 pm and that by time we packed vehicles and got there it would be 12-1 am. She insisted and I said we'll see when you get in. Well her flight was delayed 3 hrs. and on the way to the airport I was already tired and my parents didn't really want me driving so late, so the last thing I hoped she would say when she got off the plane was that she still wanted to go. When I got there we gave each other a big hug and kiss, and the first thing she says is that she still wants to go. I got kind of pissing saying that we should just stay at my parents and get up early and that there really isn't any point to leaving now, but she still persisted so I decided not to talk the rest of the way home from the airport. She commented on that and I said I was tired and that she was going to do whatever she wanted so there was no point. When we arrived at my parents house I was walking inside and she said "oh so that's it, you are not coming?" I told her I was tired and it stupid and that if she needed to leave so badly then to go, which she did. I missed her so much though that 20 min. later I threw everything into my car and hauled butt to school. When I got there I had asked her to come to my place since there was no parking at her, she said to drive around and look so I did, but there still wasnt' any. She said she still wanted to go up and see her friends. I got pissed and drove off. She came over about an hour later. I had cooled off and we talked and laughed and she said that she wanted a break (for a week). That was the first time I got scared, which is weird because I've always been headstrong in relationships, and I broke down. She insisted everything would be ok and that it was to strengthen our relationship. I knew then I should just let the break take its course and not talk to her. Well I spent nearly $200 on things and called her everyonce in awhile to let her know how much I cared, but I wanted to know if she was planning on breaking up. She said no it's a 99% chance that it won't happen. She even wanted me to come spend the night a couple nights. (This all happened at the beggining of the week) Friday rolls around and some of my friends were coming to town to go out. She calls me that night to see what was up and she told me over and over again how much she loves me. Well me and my friends go out and happen to go to the same bar she was at and I didn't even know. She came and found me and gave me a big hug and kiss and said how much she loved me and to have fun. Well the night went on and she told me that Graham was going to show up. I told her that it was fine and i'd try to keep my cool. After a couple of drinks though I begain to think how messed up it was that she was hanging out with him and not me and began to stare him and his friends down. They all got scared and told Amber to go cool me off. I of course didn't mean to do any of this I just couldn't help it, but she reassured me that she loved me. Well 30 min. before the bar is about to close she tells me she needs to talk. We walked outside and she immediately says "This isn't going to work, so we can't be together!". That was it and she left. I immediately went to my car because I knew I was going to cry. I couldn't understand what just happened.

 

I found out the night after that she messed around with Graham, the weekend after she messed around with one of the guys that she "insisted was her friend" and the next week is talking to some other guy.

 

I asked her what happened. She said she didn't love me anymore and that was it. I knew I should have went no contact there, but I was struggling for a chance to revitalize something. She continued to bash me with things that I would never expect to come from her. She even had to audacity to say she screwed this guy she is talking to. I feel like I'm missing something and can't put my finger on it, but no one knows.

 

My Hypothesis:

1. That my insecurities, problems and the way I handled them caused this. (This is the one I believe until I have a reason to think otherwise.)

2. I was a long rebound

3. She didn't know what she wanted from the beginning

4. She's a sexual fiend (which she is), and that she figures if she is with someone then no one will think she is a girl with loose morals

5. She's doing the same thing that she had done to her ex and it's just a cycle. (This one seems obvious, but doesn't make sense, since we're two completely different people.)

 

How do I find this out? Is it even worth it?

 

I do want her back more then anything in the world, for better or worse, regardless of what she has done or will do. I know my insecurities and fear of commitment was my fault and I've told her this! But by then it was already to late and she made up her mind.

 

Please advise away and I will fill in anything I think I missed along the way. I've had to seek professional help for this, but that is also only one person, I have the advantage of hundreds of opinions here.

[elusivejc]

Hey, wow I see a lot of myself in that post, but unfortunately I'm in a similar situation and don't have any advice to give except maybe she was stringing you along and telling you what you wanted to hear until she decided what she wanted. That seems to be what's happened in my case but I don't know. So for everyone else out there I'm also interested in seeing your 'verdict'.

 

TEJC

[Derek]

I'll ask this question as Janet Jackson wrote in her song...

 

What has she done for you lately?

 

 

[AF Model]

Lately, she has done nothing but be mean, condesending, and take back everything she has said to me during our relationship.

 

I in someway feel like I am the cause of this whole thing. She never did anything to hurt me during our relationship and what I did has just built up and this is how it is coming back.

 

It's so hard to think that someone who said that you mean the everything to them could say that she doesn't love you anymore, you weren't right for her, and that nothing will every come of us again.

 

I'm a smart person, who has a great deal of common sense. I've known what to do when she wanted the break, but my feelings overwhelmed me to the point that I had no will power. I'm sure this surge of kindness was coming accross as fake and that I was only doing it to undo my screwup.

 

It's completely understandable, but regardless....everything went from point A to C and somewhere I'm missing B. So, I can only feel that I was the overall cause of it.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

You love the girl, and that's obvious. The problem is that she never loved you. Don't know if you're a Christian, but if you are, guess what the book says. "Love never fails." That means that if what someone says ad thinks is love fails, then it could have never been love to begin with. Love is a hard thing to understand (especially with the way that society perverts it). It sucks that you have had to go through what you have gone through, but you'll come out all right in the end. You just have to pick your head up, throw your shoulders back and move on. Sometimes you have to realize that people, no mater how much you love them, are slime when it comes to relationships. Everything you have said points out to me that she is one of those people, kind of like my most resent ex. At some point things with this girl would have ended up the same way no mater what you did. Keep a stiff upper lip and go out and find someone that will truly love you. There are people out there that will do that.

 

By the way... that way the longest post I think I have ever taken the time to read. A little more work and you could turn that into a novel and make millions

[bzborow1]

You need a wake up call man! You said that she's gone out with other guys, given head, is constantly choosing Graham over you...or whatever else if she's trying to play you guys both. Yet you continued to do anything she wanted, including buying stuff for her and being her personal taxi. The moment she went to the bar w/Graham and you were there, you should have chewed her out, told her what a B__ch she was, and dumped her.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but I am just trying to get you to see this for what it really is. Sure you may have feelings for her, but perhaps a lot of this is because you sensed she was growing apart and you acted more like a wussy. There is nothing wrong with stating your expectations of her. You need to treat her with as little respect as she is treating you. Taking the high road may feel like a "moral" victory...but you're teaching her that she can slap you around and pretty much do whatever she wants you to do.

 

I think you need to just stop trying to figure out what she's thinking and look after number 1.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Bill