Trust - should I or shouldn't I?

[Xandra]

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who holds back things in my relationship from moving forward because of my trust issues with my boy.

 

I can't seem to trust him, no matter HOW much I try. It just seems like every time I feel likg I can trust him, something happens, he says something or I find something out that kills it. That's all it ever takes for me, I'm not a very trusting person.

 

When we were first dating (not seriously mind you, there were no spoken comittments, although he was the one who pursued me), he used to hit on other girls and CONSTANTLY talk about them sexually or erotically in some way. I remember once just after sleeping together when he said, "do you think your friend would have a threesome with us". He would say things like that, or just constantly make comments about his past loves and flings, how he missed hanging out with this or that girl, how hot she was, etc., etc. Whatever, it's in the past right? Since then he's told me 1000 times that he only wants to be with me, tells me that there is nobody that he would rather spend time with, etc.

 

The other day, I checked his MSN profile while we were chatting (not snooping or anything, I was at work and thought I would check it to see what he had down). He hasn't disclosed his marital status. He's filled out EVERY other field (with mostly funny stuff), but left that as "undisclosed". He last updated it while I was in England in November (we had been dating for 6 months at that point and were inseperable)

 

I think I must either be dating a guy who is eventually going to prove to me that I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place, or I am obviously reading too much into this. We spend 90% of our free time together, he's told me that he doesn't want anyone else or any other type of girl and that he feels "lucky to have me". He usually says things like this after he's been drinking though.

 

He's told me that he used to talk and act the way he did in the beginning because he didn't think I would be interested in him anyway (I was dating someone else when we were first friends). I can't help but think about everything that he's said and done ... I just can't bring myself to trust him, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I should.

 

Sometimes I think it's intuition that I feel this way, and have actually considered just breaking it off because it almost seems like more pain than it's worth. I love this man, more than ever actually, but I need to believe that I may trust him one day. Am I just paranoid or something?

[Tinkerbell]

Perhaps you are being paranoid, since I don't know this man personally it's pretty much impossible for me to tell. But if you're basing this solely on the msn profile thing, you're overanalysing. He probably doesn't even remember that it doesn't say "Long term relationship". If it's really bothering you, ask him about it, but bring it up casually. Chances are he'll change his marital status to what it really is. However, if he says something along the lines of "I wanted to keep my options up" (You need to prepare yourself for the worst ) then you better give him a good talking to, because that's unacceptable.

 

Maybe you're trust issues are due to being hurt a lot in the past? It sounds like you really love this guy, so I suggest you do everything in your power to trust him. Trust is a hard thing tho, I completely understand, putting yourself out there like that makes you vulnerable. But a relationship without trust isn't really a relationship at all. And remember, if this guy loves you, your vulnerabilty won't serve as a problem since he'll do anything in his power to keep from hurting you.

 

I hope this has helped.

Best of luck to you!

[Miss. Snowbunny]

Hello

 

I believe that if you have been hurt in the past from other relationship then thats why you are having problems with trust, but i would always go with the thought of why are you having doubts. If you feel like he wants to be with you and only you then why are you doubting yourself? I would watch for those warning signs because your mind and heart are conflicting with one another. Take a step from this relationship and ask yourself whether or not you want to keep thinking these thoughts. If your having doubts then i suspect that you are right, I would trust my instincts on this. Goodluck, Miss SB

[Xandra]

Actually I did casually mention it to him ... in a joking way though. Of course I am not outrageously upset about this, but when I mentioned it to him (which was on MSN also after I saw it), he was like, "oh you mean while you were in England?", I said yes, and he didn't really anything after that. And he hasn't changed it, although he hasn't updated it since November. And no, this one little thing isn't why I feel non-trusting of him.

 

I would have to say that it's more because of the beginning of our relationship and everything said and done. To be honest I never thought things would get as far as they have with us, but there's just something about him that I can't let go. I've always been very resilient and level-headed when comes to men, thinking more with my head than my heart. I'm usually tough and know how I feel about everything all the time, but not with him, and I feel helpless because of it. I hate it.

 

I want DESPERATELY to trust him, and to be perfectly honest, he hasn't given me any reasons NOT to trust him, except for in the first few months. The problem that I have (I think) may be that he's very insecure and I know he craves approval from others - including females. So that being said, sometimes I worry that some hotter, more articulate girl is going to temp him and he won't be able to resist because he'll love the attention too much.

 

Ah well ... going to roll with the punches I guess!! Thanks ladies, your input is MUCH appreciated, more than you can possibly understand. I live a long way from my closest friends and family, and sometimes it's nice to have a non-biased opinion! Any other input appreciated ...

[mahlina]

Hi Xandra!

 

I know just exactly how you feel. Although I deeply loved my ex, for some reason, I just could not trust him either. I'm completely on your side, I don't think that you're overanalyzing the situation. It's just your intuition that's telling you there's something wrong.

 

There could be several reasons as to why you have that lack of trust. It could stem back to your childhood experiences. I don't trust easily either. I used to be very naiive, but that's life, you learn, and only let a select few get into your heart. Trust is earned.

 

I'm not saying that you should go out there and close all doors, but if this relationship is not offering you that comfort, then maybe it's time to let go. I used to always be dependent on relationships, and now I'm just the opposite. For the first time, I've been single for the longest time, 5 months, and I feel great. Although at times, it feels a little odd, I've been extatic, the happiest that I've ever been!

 

What I realize is that, you don't need to be in a relationship that will bring you down. You see, that lack of trust willonly hinder you from your perseverance. Holding onto a relationship that's lacking trust will only result in something unealthy. You don't need that right now. What you need is time to grow, time to find yourself. You don't need unecessary baggage.

 

Life has so much more to offer, more than just unhealthy attachments, a sort of feeling that you've been lately aquainted to. I used to be consumed about why i couldn't trust him. It was a pattern of depression. Now, all of those feelings are just something from the past. I began listening to my intuition, and it has not let me down since. Since I've let go of that relationship, my life is so much healthier/happier. Now I feel my ambition again. I have that drive and stamina, something that I lacked when staying in that relationship. Nothing can stop me now. It's that feeling of freedom and independece that I deeply cherish.

 

So, pursue your dreams. Don't let all of that dellusional mishaps feed into your emotions. Find your goals in life. Aim high. Remind yourself who you are, and what you want out of life. You don't deserve to feel emotionally drained. After all, you're not married to this guy. Just try to detach yourself from such misery. The relationship probably is not meant to be.

 

Over the years, I've made some male friends, whom I can completely trust. It's built over the years, and my friendship with them is healthy and mature. Although I don't see them as potential mates, at least they're living proof that nice guys do exist. So don't settle. There are guys that you can trust, he's out there somewhere. And when you find him, all of those feelings of trust and comfort will naturally fall in place.

 

Be true to yourself, and true to what you want in life. Take Care!