I am hated for loving

[eviljedi]

I am hated for loving, haunted for wanting...

 

Used to be a sweet boy.....but something went wrong.

 

I'm not to blame. Can't be to blame?

 

 

 

What's the point of going on.......

 

SOMETHING WENT WRONG!!

 

 

I am everything that you despise. Everything wrong.

 

I am some kind of abstraction. Something illusory, an entity. I don't belong. I'm not real. There is no real me any more. He is long gone.

 

I am on the outskirts - With the freaks and the geeks.

 

 

I need to end this suffering. Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.

 

I need release.

 

 

goodbye.

[redhearts]

Isn't there something you want to do?

[kitchty]

okay I did not go through all your threads but basically it seems that you feel you have nothing to look forwards to in life and nobody loves you.

 

so I am going to try to give advice one by one.

 

1. Your parents don't love you

 

Maybe they care, but they don't know how to love you in such a way that makes you feel happy/ warm/ loved. I know many parents, including mine, just love me but don't KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME THE WAY I WANT THEM.

 

I understand how depressing it feels to have no one to go home to and talk to, and I am sorry to hear you are in pain. Part of life and being an adult, however, is learning to be yourself and love yourself. Being an adult mean you don't need your parents approval about how you live your life. You just support yourself and make your choice and live your life. Sure it would be nice, and kind of necessary to have parents who understand you. But worse comes to worse, you have to define who you are and not let your parents do that for you.

 

2. So there is no parents to turn to. Just reach out!

 

Strangers at ENA care about you. Some strangers you meet anywhere will care about you. Reach out. Find someone. My life kind of crashed because I did not get my dream job, was dumped, grandma passed away and mom got into car accident. This all happened in a month and threw me into a depression. I was in so much pain that I reached out to everyone...even to an old lady who bagged my groceries at the store. So much wisdom/insight and support and new friends can be gained in unexpected places....if only you reach out.

 

3. Job and school

 

This is a tough call. I know you are sad and don't have the energy or motivation to stand up for yourself. I know how that feels...I am in that limbo land as well. Why not keep dropping out and trying courses until you find ones that you really want to take? If you need money for school but don't have it now..why not just go work some boring desk jobs for a while , earn some money to go to school?

 

School is not everything. For example, famous fashion photographers , most of them, did not go to school. They just took a job as an assistant and worked their way up. the most important thing is to find what you like.

 

And who cares about jobs anyways? see...you can be passionate about skydiving and you work only to earn money to go skydive...So maybe it is a hobby that defines your life, not work. Work does not necessarily have to be the thing that defines your life. It could be pretty sweet if you can have fun working while earning tons of money, and I think that is entirely possible. You just have to work for it.

 

And you gotta remember that things can always get better (or worse) you have a boring desk job--but remember you did not sign a contract to do that for life. Maybe you do it for money or something...but if it does not suit you you can work on it and change jobs or go to school or find something else to do. Don't think of life as you being stuck in one situation forever. Things can change, and 99% of the time they do change. You can choose not to commit to anything, thinking of it as a phase or something temporary. Just remember that life is full of changes and transitions.

 

4 about fitting in

 

That is a tough thing for me to advice. I happen to be one of those kids who went to college and graduated and had no issues with school. I did not fit in in high school though and honestly I didn't care. Don't care about what everyone thinks about you. You can't please everybody.

 

Yet I know there are some people that I consider weird and won't hang out with...but I do believe there is a niche for everyone. There has to be someone there who cares about you and can relate to you and your values. Why not try to make friends/ have casual conversations with people outside of the group that is your comfort zone?

 

5. About having to not be yourself to fit it

 

Sometimes it is necessary. At jobs/etc there are something that is expected of you for you to fit in. That's ok. Just put on that mask and be that character when you need to...but be sure to find place and people with whom you can be yourself. You can live half your time having to wear that mask, and half your time being yourself. I am sorry to say maybe that is how you have to live life. Sometimes you have no choice...but you can be yourself in your private time/ weekend/ nights with friends and people who get along with you.

 

Hang in there.

[kitchty]

I see all these other people doing great things with their lives and it breaks my heart that I'm not one of them

 

You are not one of them now, but you can be one of them in the future if you really want to. Thinking like that gets you nowhere. THINGS CAN CHANGE...JUST REMEMBER THINGS CAN CHANGE. It doesn't have to be this way forever.

 

Did you go through some traumatic experience like losing your loved one or something? How did you end up so deep in depression? when and how did it start?