an "almost love" lost before meeting....what did i

[bewildered]

hi everyone,

 

i need help

 

i met a man through a personals site...i never actually met him in person...we wrote, and talked for about a month. i've talked to many men through emails, but no one ever touched my heart as he did. as time passed, we started to talk more frequently, and talked for hours. he'd call, we'd talk for 2 hours, then he'd call back, saying he missed me.

 

a few days ago, he was off. we talked for the entire morning. we shared things about ourselves no one else knew. the last phone call ended, by me, just because we'd been talking so long, my ear hurt! he said he would call me later, if it was ok with me, and hoped he wasn't driving me crazy.

 

i tend to be a very guarded person. i've met only a few men this way, usually learning something about them that ended it for me. this man was sooo different. it was like talking to a close girlfriend, who happened to be a an adorable, and handsome man. he was considerate, kind, sensitive, and for the first time, i "exhaled"...i let my guard down, and really let this man into my heart, sharing my hopes, dreams, fears, past, and inspirations. it was beautiful. the conversation ended with plans to meet within the next week. he said to call him, for whatever reason, anytime, and not to hesitate.

 

after the last time we talked that day, as the hours passed, i too "missed him", and hearing his voice, as he had said so often to me. also, i felt suddenly insecure and transparant for all of the things i had shared with this person i had never actually met. you have to know me to know how huge this was for me...i never let someone get that close to me.

 

anyway, later that evening i called him. i got a recording. it was strange, since the few times i had called before, he always answered very quickly, and was sooo happy to hear from me. ok, so, no answer.

 

the next day i began to feel a bit uneasy. unlike most days, no call from him, no email, nothing. after speaking and writing daily, i intuitively knew something was very wrong...could feel it in my heart. i left another message telling him i just needed to hear his voice, after being so candid, and to know all was well with us. hours passed and no reply. i began to get a sinking feeling inside, that something had happened accross the miles that separated us. i left another message, hours later, saying i felt like i was being avoided, it hurt, but it was ok...i just wanted to know if he didn't want to talk to me, rather than be avoided with caller i.d. i sent an email expressing this, encouraging him not to feel bad if he didn't want to continue the relationship, and saying i felt silly.

 

now, a couple of days have passed, and not a word. after hours, and hours of talking daily, poof, he's gone. not an email, goodbye message, nothing.

 

as i think back on our last conversation, and how we talked about a potential future if things clicked for us, i wondered if he got scared. or was it something i shared with him? it's hard for me to understand, since he was the one who wanted to keep talking. i'm not sure what i did.

 

i guess i've always assumed if you never meet someone, you should not be hurt when it ends. why does this hurt so badly? i felt like he was my best friend, and whether or not the chemistry was there when we actually met, we would always be friends. i feel devastated, and as if there was a death, in a manner of speaking. although i never met him, with our letters, and phone calls, he had become and integral part of my life, and i his...at least i thought so. how can i be mourning the loss of a friend i've never even met? has this ever happened to anyone else? how do you get over an internet friendship, potential romance, that never reached the point of meeting? was it that he was suddenly scared, even though his words were reassuring? did i share too much? did he?

 

any similiar experiences would be greatly appreciated. i've never had a broken heart over someone i've never met....and certainly never saw myself as someone who could fall for someone in this way. how do you deal with the hurt, and loss, when the other person won't communicate? after the days passed, and nothing, i tore up his phone number, deleted his email address. i couldn't bear to be tempted to try to contact him again, and look even more like the fool i now feel like.

 

bewildered....

 

[justagirl]

Bewildered,

 

Hey there, I am very sorry you are going through this. I completely understand how you are feeling. I met a friend through the computer as well, and we talked for about 10 months. First 8ish were emails and instant messaging conversations, last months were full of long, and many phone conversations everyday. Than for a week or so it was like he died, no emails, phone calls, texts, nothing. The next few months were choatic were for me because I couldn't figure out why'd he'd hurt me like that, and he couldn't understand why I was hurt. He ended up getting involoved with another girl, which I believe is the reason he stopped talking to me. But that is why he couldn't understand why I was hurt. He filled the void of all of our time with her, while I was left to be alone and have nothing but school to keep my mind off of the situation. Now our communication is limited to none because of his new relationship.

 

It hurt, and the reason is clear why you feel hurt. You got to know him for who he is before basing anything on looks. You fell for him, not his outer appearance, the things he does. You had an emotional/intellectual basis for the relationship.

 

Like you I am also very guarded about my feelings, caused by getting hurt too many times. But every wall I had ever put up was let down when he and I got to know each other. I stopped bottling my feelings. So him "leaving" you hurts even more because you trusted him so much; with your feelings and thoughts.

 

Just because you didn't meet him face to face doesn't mean you never met him. You knew him.

 

It will take awhile for you to get over it. You are going to have good and bad days, kinda like dealing with a breakup. It will hurt for a long time. As an example, my friend stopped talking to me middle-end of october. I was a real mess the end of October, November and December. Around January I don't know what happened but I couldn't handle it anymore. I tried to make myself not care, I told myself he hated me, wanted to have nothing to do with me, that the past year never happened, it was all a game to him, he used me for emotional support. I tried to make myself get over the entire situation. Eventually I realized that I have to deal with the situation and not pretend like it didn't happen. So, now I'm fine. I have occurrences of "why did that happen?" and thoughts that yeah he really does hate me/want nothing to do with me. And yes, I am still hurt, but its a managable pain, and I must live with it because it is one of those pains you never really do get over.

 

Eventually you will be better. It took me about 3 1/2 months to be "whatever" about it. I just talked to him the other day on the computer for the first time in a month or so. And I honestly didn't know what to do, I jsut kinda sat in my chair staring at the screen trying to figure out how I should act. I didn't know if i should act like nothing ever happened or what. So, I put every wall back up, bottled every emotion I had in my body and talked to him. I was an outsider looking in and talking to him, no biasis opinion on anything he said, I was completely neutral. I still care about him but, I honestly believe he doesn't care about me. I feel like I have to start over just so he doesn't have an excuse to stop talking to me again.

 

But anyway, enough about the situation I had, you will be fine. Maybe he is thinking about what you 2 are, or where the future is going to take you. But if it turns out he is pushing away, let him push. Don't try to follow him too much. It will hurt you even more to give up, because I can probably guess you are one who doesn't like to give up. But, do it. Let the pain die down on its own. Think as much as you have to, cry as much as you need to, get angry, do whatever it takes to let this all go down. Start running, reading, get yourself occupied to soften the blow to having no communication with him. Fill the void with something (not somebody).

 

But always remember to deal with the sitaution, don't try to push it away and pretend like it never happened, that will just bite you in the end.

 

Hope this helped at all, if you need anything, I'm a click away.

 

Justagirl

 

[bewildered]

dear justagirl,

 

thank you so much for writing. i don't even usually use the computer at night...i just am feeling so devastated. is it me? is it men? are they all like that?

 

he called today, only saying he was available NOW...no real reason. "the weather, his back, we didn't discuss sex, i'm 3 hours away". when i asked him what the REAL reason was, he had no reply. just asked if i was ending things, and that he didn't believe that's what i wanted. i am soo transparent.

 

i took a drive today, and thought, thought, thought. i realized, he didn't take my calls, which never has happened because he's with someone. he's afraid to say it, because he doesn't want to close and lock the door with me...just leave it open a bit. so he can come back in when and if it doesn't work out. i feel sooo stupid. he said he could only talk for a few minutes, wasn't going to work, but couldn't talk...no reason. i did call and try to talk to him just now. the same thing...a recording. he's with her, i'm sure. i told him i realized that the reason he was avoiding me was that there was someone else, and that was fine....better than fine, great! that i was happy for him, and not to worry, we were only "friends". forget about the talks about meeting, moving to each other's states, meeting each others families...forget all of that. i told him i had been dating too...so, not to worry. no big deal. i lied....

 

how do you get over it? how do you avoid men like this? are there many? i've been soooo careful not to let down my guard, and hadn't, until i finally felt "at home". it's not something i do, ever. if he calls again, do i not answer? how do you get over the heartbreak and feeling so stupid? how do you avoid people like this??

 

i'm lost...

 

bewildered

[justagirl]

Hey Bewildered,

 

You're welcome. It isn't you, it isn't all men and bad things happen sometimes for no apparent reason. But eventually a reason will arise and you'll understand why all the bad stuff happened to you. So give it time and soon it will make sense.

 

If you truly believe he is with someone else, guard your feelings as much as possible. Be his friend if you can handle it, and if you can't handle it right now (which is totally understandable) than ask him to give you time to get used to the new situation. Be the one in charge of what goes on and most importantly your feelings. I didn't have control of my feelins because I gave everything I had at the time to my friend, he doesn't know that but I did, so when the time came for him to end whatever we had it was horrible. I was lost, I honestly felt like half of me was missing.

 

Don't be the "other girl' or the "back up." Most imporatanlt don't lie about what is going on in your life, what isn't going on in your life and what you are feeling. I always told my friend that I was fine but eventually I got to the point where I'd say yeah I'm fine, he'd ask are you sure and I'd say no, but if it'll keep us being friends and whatnot than I'll pretend I am. And eventually I learned to be fine and just deal with the situation.

 

It is going to take time to get over it. Just let yourself get over it, don't force it, that'll only make things worse. You can't avoid men like this. They come whenever and they leave whenever. I don't know if there are many like this. You never know when anything is going to make a turn for the worst, but that is what makes life interesting, with every fabulous thing something not so good could and most likely, be close behind.

 

I understand the letting guard down. I never used to either. I have learned from my situation that I guess I was right in keeping everything bottled up and my guard up...because the second I let it down, my heart got hurt

 

Don't feel stupid. Learn from the time you 2 had together, and treasure it. Every situation has a positive and a negative. Him hurting you is the negative, you being stronger and having the feelings that you had are just a few of the postives.

 

You can't avoid anything...you live it, learn from it and move on.

 

Remember if you need anything, I'm only a click away

 

Justagirl

 

[justagirl]

Sorry, my computer flipped out and posted this twice....opps

[bewildered]

dear justagirl,

 

what would i do without you? you truly do understand all of this, even more than i do. how did you get to be so wise?

 

i understand what you're saying about respecting my own feelings, and not surrendering my control...my question is, how do i do that? thinking back on the things he said yesterday..."you are 3 hours away", trying to minimize the depth of the conversations we've had, etc., makes me certain he has at least one someone else there with him. like i posted, i did let him know that...or at least i let his cell phone answering machine know it!

 

my question is if i do speak to him again, how do i deal with this? he is clearly unable to say that there is someone else, but has said it in his own way, of this i'm certain. do i maintain a friendship with him, even though my heart is telling me that we both know there was much more? i do feel exactly as you said...powerless. i'm not sure how to re-gain my control, and some pride about myself at this point. why would he talk about his feelings for me, moving here, his ideas about marriage, etc. when he was seeing someone at home? obviously, i can't compete with someone who is there and available when i'm not. it's not that i can't conceive of being "just friends"...it would be hard, but i could do it. the hardest part is the deception. i'm very intuitive, and all the signs are there.

 

there is something else that concerns me. in one of our deep conversations, he told me he had a longterm affair with a married woman, while he was still married. he told me she was his "one deep love" in his life, and made no apologies or excuses for his infidelity. maybe having more than one woman in his life at a time is normal for him? if that's the case, i feel lucky that this happened...maybe that's the reason. to save me from heartache much worse, later down the road?

 

anyway, thanks so much for caring about a total stranger. i really needed it. write with any suggestions you have on how i can feel better about this all, and not, as you say, give him all of the control. would you try to be friends? i guess my concern is that although i can act like his friend, he and i both know, our connection was much deeper than that. it's like he's trying to "backtrack"...does that make sense?

 

bewildered

[justagirl]

Hey Bewildered,

I am really glad I can be of some help. Honestly, this is a hard situation to deal with and I don't want you to feel the way I did because it was horrible. Haha, I'm not wise. But thank you

 

I'm not totally sure how to keep control and how to respect your own feelings all of the time. I can tell you, do what your heart says. Do what you feel is right, if you don't than you'll regret it later and your head will be full of "what if's" and "why didn't I say that when I had the chance."

 

It hurts to be replaced or whatever he is doing to you. It hurts to be deceived. So, when you talk to him and he asks you what's wrong, let him know you feel like he isn't being honest with you, you are pretty certain there is someone else in his life, and you would have respected his decision more if he would have told you after he met her the first time, instead of lying and dragging you through emotional chaos.

 

You know what you felt for him, the relationship you two had and what it all meant to you. So if you do decide to maintain the friendship just know in your heart that once, recently, you two did have a connection that was wonderful and live with that. Try to stay as positive as possible. Know that it will get better and you will get over this. It will take awhile for you to feel pride and re-gain control. It took me around 2-3 months just to start taking control of my emotions. And to get my pride back, well it is still being worked on. I am a whole lot better than I was, but I feel so stupid letting him have that affect on me and giving someone the opportunity to ruin me like that is something I've never wanted to happen and I've guarded myself from. But a great thing comes into your life and you open yourself up to be vulnerable, in the end yeah you'll most likely get hurt in some way but it'll be justified when you discover the reason.

 

He talked about his feelings because he cared about you; he had those feelings for you. Maybe he got scared that he was falling for someone he'd never met face to face and he felt weird about it. He was obviously too busy thinking about himself and his feelings/needs to worry about how this all will affect you.

 

It will be extremely hard to be just friends at first. I cried every time he and I talked. I couldn't handle what it was doing to me, I couldn't understand why he'd say all those things (much like what you were told minus the marriage, and moving here), tell me to open up and not bottle anything up anymore, and than go to the other extreme telling me he meant none of it, he was only saying it because he missed having someone around. It hurt, deeply. But I guess all you can do is be as positive as you can be, just know that there is a clear, blue sky at the end of this storm.

 

He could possibly believe that what he is doing is fine because of his previous infidelities. But that doesn't make it right. It is better now to find out rather than later on when he was possibly living in your state and you two were even more involved. That pain would be worse than this.

 

Of course I care! I tried my hardest to be friends with my situation and it hurt tremendously at first because I talked to him about his new girlfriend, I gave him advice on what they should do (he asked me), I totally gave in and opened myself up for even more hurt, which was dealt my way in the end. I'm not sure what I am to him, if I'm a friend or just someone to get help from/ talk to. But, I consider him a friend. Yeah I know, I'm probably being naive to be friends with someone who hurt me before, but you can't give up on someone you cared about. Everyone makes mistakes. Just hope that they learn from them.

 

Maybe your friend is telling himself you aren't real, that what you had wasn't real because he's never seen you before. For some people an intellectual/emotional connection isn't enough to remain civil to each other. I am assuming for some it's easy to push away someone you've never seen face to face.

 

I really do sympathize with what you are going through. Reading your posts is almost like reading about what happened to me. I'm sorry you are going through this

 

Be strong and things will get better.

 

Justagirl

 

[bewildered]

dear justagirl,

 

wow, i don't know how you got through it...i really don't. i'm trying. he disappeared a total of 5 days, from me in letters, phone calls, and even work. i just got an email saying he misses me, wants to be friends, is sorry "how things went down", but he "didn't deceive me". it sure feels that way, somehow. i wrote back only saying i hoped he ended up with the woman who fulfilled all his needs and more. that's all i said...i didn't know what else TO SAY. *sigh*

 

honestly, i just don't understand men. most of them, i can handle...i usually see it coming. this time, i really, really didn't. he made me trust him. he talked about a future....all things HE brought up. all i can guess is he had one heck of a long weekend with someone. he's back on the personals site now, looking...??

 

i really thought this one was a keeper, or at least had the potential. it's strange, that the person i thought was the sweetest, kindest, and most caring person ever, who would never dream of hurting me, did just that. i guess the worst part is that he doesn't seem to understand why. you are right though...better now than later. i don't think i can be as strong as you are in talking about his girlfriends. maybe in time,...but not now. i just don't trust someone who could hurt me like that, without acknowledging it.

 

thanks for everything justagirl...please write me if you ever need to talk also. i may not have the wisdom about relationships you do, but i am a caring, and kind person...and a good friend to have.

 

take care,

 

bewildered

[justagirl]

It takes time and just knowing that eventually you'll get better. You'll be fine in the end, that is how it always turns out. But, yeah you'll be upset and down for a few months. He may possibly be extremely confused. But let him do what he needs to do and you do your thing and if all is meant to be than it'll work out.

 

Keep smiling and going on with your life. The biggest regret you'll have is if you let this get to you too much and you loose out on a few months of your life.

 

Hope you get better and things get fixed

 

Justagirl

 

[imdragonlady]

Hello Bewildered,

 

I read your postings and that of justagirls...i know where both of you are coming from! i, too have similar experiences. Chatting with men online, I have found out...they may have hidden agendas that they arent telling us about. We may be upfront..but that doesnt necessarily mean THEY are! And it works both ways, male or female; all we know is how WE are. This is the downside of online relationships/friendships. We arent there in real life to use all of our senses to determine if they are telling the truth, telling us everything, etc. ALL we have, actually, is what they offer to tell us. Thats the crux of the matter....You have to keep in mind, online is very much one-dimensional, the info you receive is only as good as what they CHOOSE to give you. We cannot use our other senses to determine if what they are saying is truth, a cover up of other agendas or just plain playing us.

So, in keeping that in mind, I have to be very much aware of the limitations that the net has to offer when chatting with a man im attracted to..AND BE IN TUNE WITH MY INNER INSTINCTS! For instance, is he available to talk with me most anytime? is he relaxed, hurried up or tense, does he have good reasons for being that way or is he being evasive? are there certain patterns that raises a yellow flag? Has he proven his intentions over time? is he consistent?

This may sound strange...but ive learnt to give as much as he gives. No more, no less....until such time that both of us can fully commit to each other emotionally.

Ive learnt not to put "all my eggs in one basket". I made it a point to distract myself by having realtime hobbies and not focus on just one man i meet online. A good rule to observe is.....to meet physically within the 1st 3 months if its longdistance. If its relatively local...to meet within the 1st month. AND 3 hours isnt that far away at all!!

Theres ALOT of players online...those who like to play with others' emotions and feeling...those who keep notches on their belt as to how many people that they can keep interested!

 

As for coping with this...time heals...like justagirl stated..you have bad days and you have good days. You cant avoid your feelings..because we are only human and we have an amazing capacity to care! BUT we can learn with ea. experience and to be more aware of our inner yellow flags that may fly up when we are suspicious of their actions!

 

What really helped me thru all this is reading books. They put in perspective how i feel...why i acted the way i did...and responded/reacted the way i did. "Rules for Online Dating", "The Rules", "Why Women Love, Why Men Leave", I know it may sound corny...all these self-help books...but I AM improving for the better and learning more about me all the time....and Im 44 years old! I really dont have all the answers..but I have learned to trust in myself and in my instincts.

[chocolate]

Dear all

 

after reading all your message, I would like to share my "bad" experience..

 

I 've knowing this online guy for almost 5 years. Within these few years, we are very happy,(even we've never met). we sent each other cards, gifts, letters,sms... etc. we talk almost everynight. I really really treat him as my boyfriend, but i found that he gets a real girlfriend in his place. when i knew it, it's very shocked. one thing i could be done is pretend nothing... PRETEND... in fact my heart is broken. I thought that we could have our future. Because he always says he is trying his best to save $ in order to visit me in person. he says a lots of sweet things to me with this 5 years.. how important am I. How much he misses me.........etc.. But turned out. He gets a gf

 

I know that he wants to hide it. I just knew it by accident. He really didn't want to let me know. After i got this bad news.. he still said that I am very important to him... miss me...I know that i should be awaked...

 

one thing want to know that. if he just treats me as a friends, would he said that how important am I for him? how much he misses me?

[almostgolden]

Hey Everyone, I Just read the whole thread & I cant wait to read many of more replies or those who been in the same or simailar sistuations. I used to have a bf online. At first it was great, phone,email & im convos like all day everyday. But little later he find someone there were he lives & it crushed me really bad. I known him for over 2 years now & we been broken up for over a year i can say . Were still close friends tho which is good but i miss not talking to him as much as i used too. I used to be able to email,im or even phone him anytime but now with him having a gf (who he basically lives with I think) He is more distant talking to me now then ever cos hes really serious with his new love. I also always give him advice whenever he asks me like what should he get her for their anniversary, holidays etc. Its not easy to talk to him now cos hes all about her. and Once upon a time he was all about me. I was his "princess" Now i am just a "friend" At first in the friendship he still called me "sweetie" but him saying that lessen.Now, i am just a friend A VERY GOOD FRIEND(if i may add) I still send him emails,letters in the mail sometimes. But not too much now with the letters cos i am worried on what his gf may think , i doubt she knows anything about me. But i dont know if she snoops around in his stuff. I dont wanna cause any trouble with him & her. I'm not like that. I have his phone number but i dont call cos of fear his gf will answer. He still calls me once in a while (mainly for holidays) & leaves messages on my machine. He emails me too when he can. So, i know he still cares about me somewhat to still talk to me. But he didnt love me like i LOVED him. I still love him but when i talk,write my love to him now, i make it out to be friendship love. I think i still feel more for him then a friend(even to this day) because when he mentions her, i get this weird jealous feeling inside of me. I just hope that he never leaves me as a friend. I would be even more crushed.I dont know on how or if i could handle that to lose him as a friend too.

I rather be a friend then nothing. But i am trying to take it day by day and let him do his thing & i just take it for what it is now what we have and thats a friendship.

[almostgolden]

any more stories?

[Knightmare365]

It's not just men that do this. I ususally keep my defenses up always. A female got in eventually, and after two years of telling me she loved me more than anything, She sent me a message saying she was now married. Devastated would be an understatement.

[alwaysafraid]

Well you guys seem to understand and maybe you can help me with mine. I found after getting dumped the internet was a good way to have a connection with people at the same time it seemed like you aren't likely to get hurt. You all know there are people you talk to for a little bit and then they disappear you are like ok whatever and you deal. Then there is that person who just gets you, the one who everytime you get on the computer you hope they are there. I met this guy for me in October he was great we talked forever. Then one day in november he was upset, I still don't know why. I was like I am sorry and it was weird and he disappeared. I emailed him once and he never replied I was like ok, but I thought about him all the time and it hurt me I was like how can someone I have never met hurt me so bad. I thought about him everyday, then out of nowhere he imed me on a different screenname I was like hey. We talked I said I never thought I was going to hear from you again and he was like why? I said I missed talking to him he said he missed me too. We talked a lot again he lives in CA I am in the midwest. I had a trip out there and we were planning to meet and all the days we were supposed to didn't work out I don't know if he was scared or what the final time we didn't meet was a huge mistake I got a phone call he was supposed to be out of town that day I didn't expect it to be him I have another friend that lives out there (just a friend I would move the earth for this other guy). So I got this phone call and it was a sh**ty day I was like I will call you back. I called my other friend back and he wasn't around and I found out a month later that it was the guy I was supposed to meet and I felt terrible like he thought I had all these people I was going to meet and I explained what happened, and since then things have been weird. I offered to fly out just to see him and I like everyone else am so guarded and afraid to get hurt but I like this guy so much. And then things have been a little weird and I was talking to someone else who said oh he is using you (which I think is so stupid and a waste of time) and I started thinking maybe he is. So I emailed him on Fri this is what I wrote suprisingly I have not heard back. Part of me knows he is never going to talk to me again and if I believe what I accused him of I shouldn't want to talk to him, but since friday all I want is for him to say you are wrong and talk to me I miss him so much and I just I don't know am looking for help from people who understand some advice on how to forget about him.

I have always liked talking to you, you seemed to me someone who was honest and not about games and I thought I knew where I stood with you which to me was a friendship, until it became apparent that you couldn't care less about me. Unless you needed help or to have your ego stroked I wasn't worth your time. I don't know why the hell you started talking to me again. Didn't you have enough of the mind games the first time you did this to me? I hope it feels good cause you are very good at this. Saying what you think I want to hear, when all I want is honesty and you aren't even capable of that. If all you want is help with sh*t fine don't pretend to be my friend or pretend that you have any interest in me. The last time someone did that to me I was in high school and she just wanted my homework. I have always been upfront with you so believe me when I say I hope that you find what makes you happy and eventually learn that no matter what you think of someone, no one deserves the head games.

 

By the way I have had enough of the mind f**king so you don't have to worry about me bothering you again>>

 

All I want is to talk to me. I know the things I said needed to be said, and even if they hadn't been he still wouldn't be talking to me. I am just so hurt I feel like I got played and I am so mad at myself for letting someone treat me this way at the same time I want him back in my life so much