bewildered

dear justagirl, wow, i don't know how you got through it...i really don't. i'm trying. he disappeared a total of 5 days, from me in letters, phone calls, and even work. i just got an email saying he misses me, wants to be friends, is sorry "how things went down", but he "didn't deceive me". it sure feels that way, somehow. i wrote back only saying i hoped he ended up with the woman who fulfilled all his needs and more. that's all i said...i didn't know what else TO SAY. *sigh* honestly, i just don't understand men. most of them, i can handle...i usually see it coming. this time, i really, really didn't. he made me trust him. he talked about a future....all things HE brought up. all i can guess is he had one heck of a long weekend with someone. he's back on the personals site now, looking...?? i really thought this one was a keeper, or at least had the potential. it's strange, that the person i thought was the sweetest, kindest, and most caring person ever, who would never dream of hurting me, did just that. i guess the worst part is that he doesn't seem to understand why. you are right though...better now than later. i don't think i can be as strong as you are in talking about his girlfriends. maybe in time,...but not now. i just don't trust someone who could hurt me like that, without acknowledging it. thanks for everything justagirl...please write me if you ever need to talk also. i may not have the wisdom about relationships you do, but i am a caring, and kind person...and a good friend to have. take care, bewildered

dear justagirl, what would i do without you? you truly do understand all of this, even more than i do. how did you get to be so wise? i understand what you're saying about respecting my own feelings, and not surrendering my control...my question is, how do i do that? thinking back on the things he said yesterday..."you are 3 hours away", trying to minimize the depth of the conversations we've had, etc., makes me certain he has at least one someone else there with him. like i posted, i did let him know that...or at least i let his cell phone answering machine know it! my question is if i do speak to him again, how do i deal with this? he is clearly unable to say that there is someone else, but has said it in his own way, of this i'm certain. do i maintain a friendship with him, even though my heart is telling me that we both know there was much more? i do feel exactly as you said...powerless. i'm not sure how to re-gain my control, and some pride about myself at this point. why would he talk about his feelings for me, moving here, his ideas about marriage, etc. when he was seeing someone at home? obviously, i can't compete with someone who is there and available when i'm not. it's not that i can't conceive of being "just friends"...it would be hard, but i could do it. the hardest part is the deception. i'm very intuitive, and all the signs are there. there is something else that concerns me. in one of our deep conversations, he told me he had a longterm affair with a married woman, while he was still married. he told me she was his "one deep love" in his life, and made no apologies or excuses for his infidelity. maybe having more than one woman in his life at a time is normal for him? if that's the case, i feel lucky that this happened...maybe that's the reason. to save me from heartache much worse, later down the road? anyway, thanks so much for caring about a total stranger. i really needed it. write with any suggestions you have on how i can feel better about this all, and not, as you say, give him all of the control. would you try to be friends? i guess my concern is that although i can act like his friend, he and i both know, our connection was much deeper than that. it's like he's trying to "backtrack"...does that make sense? bewildered

dear justagirl, thank you so much for writing. i don't even usually use the computer at night...i just am feeling so devastated. is it me? is it men? are they all like that? he called today, only saying he was available NOW...no real reason. "the weather, his back, we didn't discuss sex, i'm 3 hours away". when i asked him what the REAL reason was, he had no reply. just asked if i was ending things, and that he didn't believe that's what i wanted. i am soo transparent. i took a drive today, and thought, thought, thought. i realized, he didn't take my calls, which never has happened because he's with someone. he's afraid to say it, because he doesn't want to close and lock the door with me...just leave it open a bit. so he can come back in when and if it doesn't work out. i feel sooo stupid. he said he could only talk for a few minutes, wasn't going to work, but couldn't talk...no reason. i did call and try to talk to him just now. the same thing...a recording. he's with her, i'm sure. i told him i realized that the reason he was avoiding me was that there was someone else, and that was fine....better than fine, great! that i was happy for him, and not to worry, we were only "friends". forget about the talks about meeting, moving to each other's states, meeting each others families...forget all of that. i told him i had been dating too...so, not to worry. no big deal. i lied.... how do you get over it? how do you avoid men like this? are there many? i've been soooo careful not to let down my guard, and hadn't, until i finally felt "at home". it's not something i do, ever. if he calls again, do i not answer? how do you get over the heartbreak and feeling so stupid? how do you avoid people like this?? i'm lost... bewildered

hi everyone, i need help i met a man through a personals site...i never actually met him in person...we wrote, and talked for about a month. i've talked to many men through emails, but no one ever touched my heart as he did. as time passed, we started to talk more frequently, and talked for hours. he'd call, we'd talk for 2 hours, then he'd call back, saying he missed me. a few days ago, he was off. we talked for the entire morning. we shared things about ourselves no one else knew. the last phone call ended, by me, just because we'd been talking so long, my ear hurt! he said he would call me later, if it was ok with me, and hoped he wasn't driving me crazy. i tend to be a very guarded person. i've met only a few men this way, usually learning something about them that ended it for me. this man was sooo different. it was like talking to a close girlfriend, who happened to be a an adorable, and handsome man. he was considerate, kind, sensitive, and for the first time, i "exhaled"...i let my guard down, and really let this man into my heart, sharing my hopes, dreams, fears, past, and inspirations. it was beautiful. the conversation ended with plans to meet within the next week. he said to call him, for whatever reason, anytime, and not to hesitate. after the last time we talked that day, as the hours passed, i too "missed him", and hearing his voice, as he had said so often to me. also, i felt suddenly insecure and transparant for all of the things i had shared with this person i had never actually met. you have to know me to know how huge this was for me...i never let someone get that close to me. anyway, later that evening i called him. i got a recording. it was strange, since the few times i had called before, he always answered very quickly, and was sooo happy to hear from me. ok, so, no answer. the next day i began to feel a bit uneasy. unlike most days, no call from him, no email, nothing. after speaking and writing daily, i intuitively knew something was very wrong...could feel it in my heart. i left another message telling him i just needed to hear his voice, after being so candid, and to know all was well with us. hours passed and no reply. i began to get a sinking feeling inside, that something had happened accross the miles that separated us. i left another message, hours later, saying i felt like i was being avoided, it hurt, but it was ok...i just wanted to know if he didn't want to talk to me, rather than be avoided with caller i.d. i sent an email expressing this, encouraging him not to feel bad if he didn't want to continue the relationship, and saying i felt silly. now, a couple of days have passed, and not a word. after hours, and hours of talking daily, poof, he's gone. not an email, goodbye message, nothing. as i think back on our last conversation, and how we talked about a potential future if things clicked for us, i wondered if he got scared. or was it something i shared with him? it's hard for me to understand, since he was the one who wanted to keep talking. i'm not sure what i did. i guess i've always assumed if you never meet someone, you should not be hurt when it ends. why does this hurt so badly? i felt like he was my best friend, and whether or not the chemistry was there when we actually met, we would always be friends. i feel devastated, and as if there was a death, in a manner of speaking. although i never met him, with our letters, and phone calls, he had become and integral part of my life, and i his...at least i thought so. how can i be mourning the loss of a friend i've never even met? has this ever happened to anyone else? how do you get over an internet friendship, potential romance, that never reached the point of meeting? was it that he was suddenly scared, even though his words were reassuring? did i share too much? did he? any similiar experiences would be greatly appreciated. i've never had a broken heart over someone i've never met....and certainly never saw myself as someone who could fall for someone in this way. how do you deal with the hurt, and loss, when the other person won't communicate? after the days passed, and nothing, i tore up his phone number, deleted his email address. i couldn't bear to be tempted to try to contact him again, and look even more like the fool i now feel like. bewildered....