sharing my thoughts on commitmentphobia and perfectionism

[mentee]

i know there is a great debate on whether "commitmentphobia" actually exists ... i'm not an expert so i'm not going to get into it .. i don't want this post to generate some debate .. i simply want to share something i wrote in my personal journal .. hopefully someone out there will be able to relate and know he/she is not alone in feeling this way.

 

 

"when we met, i already told myself i wasn't ready for a relationship .. even though i've dealt with the pain from my last relationship, i still had unresolved issues of failure and loss ..i remember telling [my friend] that i didn't want a relationship for a long while .. i also knew that the worst time to think about a relationship was during interview season and before the match.

 

i simply wanted to have fun .. meet a lot of people and enjoy my last moments here .. i wasn't serious about him at all when we met ... i remember debating on whether i should return to [the cafe] the day after we met because i wasn't sure if i wanted to run into him again .. i was already panicking about the possibility of dating (and knew i shouldn't be tempting myself when i wasn't ready) .. but my friends told me to go and said i shouldn't lose out on my study spot just because some guy seemed interested in me and might show up there.

 

i knew in my heart of hearts that nothing serious would come from our knowing each other .. i knew this on our first and second dates .. he told me about his engagements, his troubled ex, and that he was [some religion] .. i knew right away that i couldn't be serious with someone who clearly (from my perspective) had unresolved issues about his engagements (which meant he wouldn't be ready for a serious relationship either) .. i also knew that i could never be with a [insert religion] man because i assumed that he would want a girl of the same religion and i wanted a Buddhist man .. i also felt that we wouldn't be able to relate because he was older, at a different stage in his life, and another ethnicity (who knew he'd end up having all the important qualities i've always wanted in a guy and that we'd have the same values, interests, tastes .. i still find it crazy how much we can connect given how different we appear to be).

 

we had an intense physical/intellectual connection .. and things got complicated from that point on .. perhaps the intimacy made me feel like things were more serious .. i'm not sure, but somehow i started to put way more effort into the "relationship" and gave a lot of myself .. i tend to do that with everyone because 1. i'm giving 2. i'm romantic 3. i believe i know how people should treat each other in relationships, so i act accordingly before i've even decided whether the person is worth it or not ... i knew little of him then and even less about how he operates and how we interact .. but i think i started to fantasize about what could come of it and the potential we had .. the more i was willing to give, the more demands/expectations i had, and the more he pulled away (which was a sign he wasn't ready) .. his pulling away/not meeting expectations made me feel more insecure, vulnerable, and unfortunately more demanding ... i wanted the security of commitment despite not knowing if i wanted to commit to him (i think he also made the same mistake) .. maybe that's rooted in fear .. fear of abandonment or vulnerability.

 

i knew i wasn't completely at fault .. i got a lot of mixed messages/signals from him as he seemed to be very interested in the relationship in the beginning ... he asked a lot of serious questions concerning marriage and long-term commitment, which gave me the impression that he was wanting a commitment from me .. i wanted to reassure him that i was available for that because i didn't want to lose him, but deep down i had no idea what i wanted .. i was too caught up to ask myself what i wanted anyway.

 

everything was very confusing for me until i just stopped and re-evaluated myself .. i pulled myself out of the fantasy and reconnected with the Mentee who was always afraid of commitment all her life .. meeting him was like looking into a mirror .. like me, he wanted to find the right person and have a happy ending but something made him feel like he couldn't commit (likely a bad gut reaction that couldn't be explained) .. i wanted to understand him better and in the process, i began to understand myself better ... i read about commitmentphobia and recognized serious patterns in every single relationship i've ever been in ... my commitmentphobia runs deep .. i've always had trouble committing to plans, phone calls, big purchases, etc. ... i've also had issues with perfectionism which makes committing to something imperfect almost impossible .. he has bad gut reactions to the idea of committing but he hasn't figured out why ... ultimately, bottom line is that we were both behaving like commitmentphobes.

 

he has every right to be afraid/not ready because he only recently got out of a very serious relationship ... i'm not sure if he has deeper commitment issues like i do .. it's very possible but only he can decide that for himself .. for me, this was a life-changing discovery .. everything started to make sense .. like why i was attracted to people based on appearances (looks, profession, family, achievements) rather than character .. or why i turned down amazing guys who were emotionally available (everytime i met someone who was compatible as a life partner, i always convinced him to be my best friend instead) .. or why i am always attracted to people who are unavailable for commitment or men who i know i'd never commit to (very often they are long distance, people with way too different lifestyles, guys who are too young or too old, guys who are good-looking but not intelligent or compassionate, people with religions that would never be compatible with my spirituality, foreign guys who i couldn't relate to, etc.) ... i would genuinely like/love these people and wish for the relationships to work out .. i would make a genuine effort and sometimes would be devastated when it didn't work out (but duh, i should have known) .. other times i kept one foot out the door knowing that i had an "out" ... i could say "this isn't working because of the distance" or "we're not the same religion" or "i'm going off to med school" ... but this is unfair because these are things i've always known ... i shouldn't have gotten into relationships that i knew would never work out .. it just causes unnecessary pain .. choosing inappropriate people is equivalent to sabotaging relationships from the get-go .. i either sabotage relationships before they start or soon after things get serious (i didn't realize this until now because i've never ever reflected on my relationship history or my relationship behavior) .. there have been times when i do get involved with guys who are completely compatible (it's rare and usually forms from a close friendship) ... once i get their love and commitment, i always start faultfinding and nitpicking to the point where i can never be happy with them ... it never occurred to me that people are imperfect (because i mistakenly considered myself perfect) .. i didn't realize that if you want to find faults in someone, you will always find them ...... my last ex told me that i would never find happiness with him no matter how hard he tried (because i will always be able to find flaws), and i began to wonder if i've ever found happiness with any man .. and the sad truth is i never have .. i always blamed it on the guy, but now i realize it's because of my own issues with perfectionism .. the only times i thought i was happy was if the guy was long distance, and i could use my imagination to fill in all the gaps .... and i would make him perfect in my eyes.

 

meeting [recent guy] has motivated me to learn, read, and reflect more, which resulted in a huge revelation for me ... in a way it's unfortunate because we met when we were both not available for commitment ... but if he wasn't so turned off by the idea of commitment, there was no way i'd realize that i was a commitmentphobe too ... it sadly just had to happen that way ... it's a double-edged sword .. because he is who he is, i have grown so much .. because he is who he is, i've actually become a better person (in ways he wouldn't know, but my friends notice) .. because he is who he is, i realize that a person can actually be very compatible with me and there is a possibility that i could be happy with someone in the future if i work through my fears .. if he and i didn't end up being so compatible, sharing the same values/interests/goals, i wouldn't have been so motivated to learn about myself so that i can make a relationship with him possible and healthy (and subsequently figuring out that if i don't work out these issues regarding commitment, abandonment, perfection, and fear, then i'll have more problems as life gets more complicated) .. if i didn't respect him so much, i would've walked away without a second thought or sabotaged things to the point of no return like i have with everyone else . but because he is who he is and i am who i am (commitmentphobic?), we are likely to see the end of our "relationship" very soon .. it couldn't have happened any other way ... if he didn't pull back (and reflect on his own feelings/needs/behavior), if he didn't recognize his own unavailability, if he went full steam ahead like my other exes, i am certain that i would have made many of the same mistakes that i made in the past .. i would've gotten in over my head and then found myself sabotaging the relationship by picking it apart and finding ways to make myself believe i'd never be happy with him .. i was already noticing that i was becoming critical with him as i took him more seriously, and he definitely noticed it and began pulling back right at that moment .. slowly but surely after a few conflicts and discussions, i became aware of my behavior .. and after some reading, i came to understand the root causes .. if i didn't believe he was so amazing and so much of what i've looked for in a man, i wouldn't have made such great efforts that ultimately resulted in my learning about myself ... if he wasn't a mirror image of me (flaws and all), i wouldn't have learned .. it's a * * * * ty situation, but he's made an impact on my life, greater than he realizes, and at the moment we are more like best friends than anything else.

 

they say that no one can change a commitmentphobe ... the commitmentphobe will only realize her own behavior and patterns when she finds herself hurting or constantly hurting others, alone, and wondering why her relationships never work out .. a commitmentphobe will only get to the root of her fears with extensive reading, discussion, and reflection ... but this commitmentphobe would've never come to her senses it it weren't for this special person .. so yes I do believe that in some circumstances, it does take a very special person to help you become aware of yourself and grow .. it does take a very special person that makes you want to change and be an emotionally healthier person so that you can live a happy life without so much fear and anxiety .. maybe it takes a person who is a mirror image of you.

 

things between us could have gotten very ugly, but fortunately we are both emotionally mature and insightful and managed to find ways not to hurt each other too much .. he is an incredible person .. kind, honest, caring, compassionate, attentive, and everything else .. i'd be lying if i said i didn't hope that somehow things will work out for us, but most likely it won't for obvious and not-so obvious reasons .. all i can count on is being the best person i can be, learning about myself and changing myself appropriately and for the better (not for anyone but myself and my own peace of mind). one day at a time.

 

i must take things slow and never look too far into the future. i must tell myself that some things are "good enough" and that is perfectly fine. i need to make small commitments and build up to bigger ones. eventually i hope to believe and feel that things aren't as frightening as they are in my head."

 

 

 

 

whew.

[Salicia]

Wow, I can seriously relate to your thoughts. I used to be really bad about being both a perfectionist and a commitmentphobic and those things were not good at all. I ended up setting my standards and my expectations too high and I didn't want to be hurt at the same time when it came to relationships.

 

I am so glad that I realize that everything is never going to be entirely perfect or it is not going to be free of disappointment and I am stronger for it.

[atelis]

hi mentee,

 

firstly thank you for your honesty and for taking the time to write. As someone who is struggling with the same issue as you, it's nice to know i am not alone. I am 36 and have recently had the very same revelation, triggered by my most recent relationship with a wonderful woman, where i again sabotaged the relationship when things were finally going great. This time i had an extreme panic attack that lasted for 2-3 days. In some ways i was lucky, as it was this panic attack that forced me to really take a good look inside myself to start asking questions and find some answers. I started reading as much as i could about commitment phobia and this led me down the path of engulfment and abandonment and eventually to my childhood upbringing. It was amazing how quickly clarity came to me and i started to connect all the dots in my behaviour, feelings, emotions and relationship patterns. I have the twin fears of engulfment and abandonment........in some relationships the fear of abandonment was the strongest and in others the fear of engulfment was strongest. In my most recent relationship both my abandonment and engulfment fears were triggered at various points in the relationship that led to the classic 'come here, go away' symptoms that characterise these types of relationships, which i'm sure you can identify with.

 

My relationship patterns were identical to your's. Sub consciously, i would seek emotionally unavailable partners because they were 'safe'. Despite my partners being emotionally unavailable, i would give as much of mysef as i could, often ignoring my own needs and wants as long as i felt i was giving my partner everything, be it physically, emotionally or mentally. Most of the relationships had a common theme........an intense physical and emotional connection that was often intoxicating at times. On the occasion that i did manage to date a partner who was emotionally available, i would slowly begin to sabotage the relationship.........picking one fault after another until i lost attraction for that person. I would place such high expectations on women that no woman ever had a chance of reaching, hence giving myself the excuses i needed to find fault in those women and sabotage the relationship. At the end of each relationship, i would feel relief........almost like the relief you feel when someone is suffocating you and then you are allowed to breathe, only to crave wanting another relationship at some point down the track.

 

I would always look for excuses not to get into a relationship..........i would meet women i was attracted to, but would soon talk myself out of it by raising doubts in my own mind about the viability of a relationship with that particular person. If i did enter into a relationship that lasted for longer than 6 months, it would invariably end up in the classic push-pull scenario which characterises engulfment/abandonment relationships.......i push and they pull away which makes me more clingy. I back off and they then come back only to have me then pull away. In some cases, a relationship would be going fine for a few months and then out of the blue, i would feel engulfed/suffocated and felt the need to end it right there without warning.

 

For a long time i knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it until this relationship and the panic attack. Over the last four weeks i have read volumes of material on engulfment and abandonment fears, on fear of intimacy and fear of letting go and have started seeing a psychologist.

 

I am starting to work on myself and although self awareness has given me hope, the most challenging part will be changing 36 years of behaviour and thought caused by fear. I battle with myself on a daily basis. In some ways i feel like i am at war with myself........my conscious mind is at war with my unconscious mind which houses all of the fear, guilt and anxiety.

 

A deep sense of shame has come over me as all of this unravels. I know it will be very difficult, however i can only pray that it will make me a better man. I don't think i can ever heal myself fully, but i am determined to stay on this road and hope that one day i can be happy in a relationship and more importantly, make my partner happy, whoever it happens to be. I don't want fear to control my life anymore.

 

If you would like to chat some more mentee, it would be good to exchange experiences. It seems like we are both at similar stages in our own personal work on this. Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt post