girlfriend's different around her friends

[caliboy]

I wasn't exactly sure where to put this topic... Anyway, I went out last night to dinner and a movie with my girlfriend and about 6 of her friends. We both had a good time, but I noticed my girlfriend acts completely different towards me when we're around her friends then when it's just her and I alone. The whole night she barely acknowledged my presense. I see her talking with other people, totally engaged, laughing etc, but whenever I try to talk to her she seems almost uninteresed. When we're all walking around, she wouldn't walk by me. It almost seemed like we weren't even a couple. I just worry, cause I don't want her friends to think she's unhappy in her relationship. I see friends of hers who are a couple, and they're totally into each other, walking together and you can tell they're together.

 

I mentioned to her afterwards how I felt, and she got kind of angry telling me she doesn't like going out with her friends with her boyfriend. She feels like she can't be herself. she didn't understand what I was talking about, etc. In fact she told me I was being distant, even though I was the one making passes at her. I tried kissing her twice, tried to talk to her through dinner, etc. She says that I need to show it more, but I kind of wish she'd show it in return sometimes. I guess I'm just use to girls who show more interest in me. My girlfriend now hasn't really hung out with her friends and boyfriend at the same time, so maybe she's just use to being in a "single" frame of mind when she's around her friends. Although I react fine in the same situation. For some reason I felt really botherered by all this by the end of the night. Should I just except she's this way around other people? Am I just being insecure or childish?

[bzborow1]

You're out with her friends, so as a courtesy she's got to at least pay some attention to you. But what I really wanna know...did u ask to go w/her and her friends? Did she invite you? Either way I would probably just give her her space...if she's wants to go out w/her friends just let her go out and don't waste your time. Besides, it's counterproductive from a BF's "dating" standpoint.

[akatoro]

Yo, caliboy

 

I can somewhat relate to what you are talking about, but one thing in particular, that you said caught my attention.

 

I mentioned to her afterwards how I felt, and she got kind of angry telling me she doesn't like going out with her friends with her boyfriend. She feels like she can't be herself.

 

Is she "herself" when she's around her friends or when she's just with you? I think you have every right to feel what you do and perhaps if you told her clean out that You infact felt that she was ignoring you, she'd understand? Don't sacrifice yourself just to please her.

[caliboy]

I always thought "herself" was how she was when she was just with me, but I'm starting to see that maybe it's different then what I thought.

 

Her friends invited us to go out. But I don't want to have the type of relationship where she has to hang out with her friends separetely, cause what does that say about me? I wouldn't want to come accross as being "too good" for her friends or something. I'm a friendly, sociable guy, I just felt like she could've shown me a little more attention.

 

The worst was when I tried to tell her how I felt about it, she'd get upset with me and almost make me feel guilty for even bringing it up. Telling me I'm analyzing things and being bothered by nothing. I'd tell her I felt like she was ignoring me, and then she'd ask how? I'd tell her how and she'd say she didn't even notice. She says I should've been more aggresive towards her then? Even though I felt like I was the only one making the contat between us. She apologized for not being more attentative to me, but she's acted like that around other people in the past, so I'm assuming that's just the type of person she is around other people and I need to learn to live with it. How can I get this point accross to her? I almost want to treat her the way sshe treats me so she can see first hand what I'm talking about. But then again two wrongs don't make a right.

[getstrong]

Caliboy,

NO you do not have to live with that. I myself was in a situation similiar to yours.

My bf would act great when it was just the 2 of us but when we'd get around his friends I was barely acknowledged. It made me wonder what he was telling his friends about me while I wasn't around.

It eventually ate me up inside and problems were created between us from there. I got insecure and needy and I didn't like the person I had become.

Finally he broke off the relationship saying I was too insecure for him. In the long run, I was glad I didn't end up with him because it was not the way I would want to feel around him and his friends for the rest of my life.

Good luck, I wouldn't stand for that now and that is the best advice I can give.

[ziggen102]

Man, I usually don't respond to post since I am very new to the forum. But the situation that you described is exactly like I had with my ex gf. Getstrong is right, I wouldn't take it. You will end up needy and insecure after a while. My ex would ignore me if we were out together with her friends or even if we would run into each when we were out at a bar. She would also engage with everyone else and it puzzled me. I would bring it up to her and she would get angry as well and tell me "that is the way I am and if you don't like it don't date me". It sucked and she ended up breaking up with me because I became so insecure. But now after being apart from her for the last 2 mo., I am back to my old self and very happy. My advise to you is talk to her about the issue and if she gives you an ultimatum, call her on it. See what she does, at least she will know she can't walk all over you.

[ChrisYellowV6Stang]

My biggest concern is what would she be doing "acting herself"? Not to make you worry, but is she acting single again, flirting with any guy who looks like he has a cucumber in his pants? Usually it's the guy that acts this way, which is what I find mildy humorous/ironic about this whole situation, so maybe you could think if you've ever done this before? It may be payback. But no, I wouldn't put up with that. You need to sit down and talk to her sreriously.

 

Ok Everybody puts on a facade (a fake front) whenever they meet somebody. I did it, so did my girlfriend. The difference is the amount of facade it is vs how you really are. If it's totally different, and you've fallen in love with that facade, there's no chance (in my opinon). You may have fallen for a fake image of her...which is what im trying to get down to say....and you may want to re-evaluate your entire relationship. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but at least you heard it now vs a year into the relationship.

[caliboy]

What exactly would you consider flirting? It's a touchy subject to bring up with a girl, cause you don't want them to think you're accusing them of anything. she's friendly when she talks to her guy friends... ie. very engaging in a conversation, laughs at all their jokes, etc. she not like that with me around them though. how do i approach her with this concern?

 

I want to be strong and secure about everything. and for the record, her and I have talked about getting married and buying a place together so we are in love and serious about each other in case that helps give perspective on things.

[ChrisYellowV6Stang]

If you are "seriously in love" with each other, then bringing up a conversation about trust won't cut your relationship at the achilles tendon, i.e. it wont collapse. You will have to decide what flirtng is for yourself and the level you will tolerate. Yeah you dont want to go full frontal and say exactly what you're wondering....how old are you two by the way? I really don't have any more ideas, but my girlfriend will be here in about 15-30 mins so i'll get her opinion on the subject.

[caliboy]

i'm 24 she's 29

[bzborow1]

You need to set some boundaries for yourself here. What you think is flirting, what you think is her ignoring you, etc, and enforce them. You don't have to be mean about it, but you DO have to emphasize that you won't tolerate that behaviour from her.

 

Most importantly, if or when she tries to argue with you over them, I wouldn't be having any of it. There's no excuse to flirt w/other guys, let alone when IM around, that's just rude. And if she can't meet those boundaries then you should consider cutting the strings on this one.

[caliboy]

what do people here consider flirting?

[justagirl]

I went online and looked up the definition of flirting. Here is a link that might shed some light on the issue of "flirting"...link removed

 

Quick definitions (Flirting)

noun: playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest

 

Encyclopedia article:

Flirting is often described as casual conversation with a romantic touch. But it need not be spoken interaction at all.

Flirting is a way of treating serious things (such as sexual attraction or death) with an almost mocking or self-mocking air of ease. (continued at Wikipedia)

 

It's always frustrating when you think you know everything about a special person then are broadsided with a characteristic that you never knew existed. I've been there many times when I have opened myself up to others. It's very difficult to look at the situation realistically when you are letting your heart dictate the direction of your brain. The people who have written to your posting have given you very valid advice backed up with concrete evidence. You might want to step back and see your girlfriend through their eyes (based on the descriptions you have given so far.)

 

Also, when I have a difficult situation such as yours it always helps me to write my thoughts out (as you are doing on this site.) If you like to write in a journal (book or computer) it helps to list the pros and cons of your relationship. This situation seems to have had a big impact on your confidence and it may be the tip of a bigger "iceburg." People who are serious enough to be discussing the possiblity of marriage shouldn't play these type of games with each other. Your potential mate should be someone whom you can talk to about anything and everything. You should never feel intimidated to speak to your girlfriend about issues you are concerned about. Ultimately, a potential mate should be considered your best friend. She should feel the same way and should be proud to validate your relationship in front of her friends as she does in private with you.

 

I believe I noticed another post about a relationship you are in. I am assuming it concerned the same girl. You spoke about the inequality of who paid for the dates you two shared. (You paid for everything!) In that posting you also mentioned that your girlfirend didn't agree with your observation in this matter and you downplayed that "minor problem" as no big deal when other people told you it was a BIG deal. I truly believe you need to write eveything down as I mentioned above and seriously listen to the advice from the other people who have been kind enough to share their hard-earned wisdom in this matter. None of us want to see a fellow human being suffering, especially when it can be prevented.

 

I am not here to tell you whether you should stay in the relationship or not. But I am here to remind you that you need to be true to yourself. It's your face you see in the mirror each morning. Wake up with no regrets and tell yourself you're proud of your decisions and the way you handle difficult situations. I know it's not easy leaving the comfort of the proverbial "box." Just do it!

 

I'm just a girl with an opinion

 

[Fisch]

Heya caliboy,

Yup, i was in your shoes with my last girlfriend, and i must tell you it disgusted me. Alone she was attentive and interested and sweet, but once we were with her friends, she actually payed less attention to me then she did when we were just friends in the first place! She would ignore me, push me away, and be cold as hell, and the saddest thing is that she did it because she was so niave not because she was cruel, when i would tell her, she would be very sorry, but she would just do it again like a little kid. But anyway thats another long complex story, i will just say that i share your feelings of wanting her to realize that what she does is not really normal. Many people put on facades indeed, if she is willing to sacrafice being kind to you, in order to be more appealing to her friends i would try very hard to get her to realize that you wont stand for it, and that what she is doing is not natural. Try taking the attention of the friend that she is talking to while not ignoring her completely and see how she reacts, if she gets mad then your girl seems to be unsatisfied with having you around her friends and her problem is with you, if she is happy whith what you have done, then her problem is that she wants you to be more outgoing. If the first thing is your problem, i would advise disciplining yourself to focusing your life in other areas and backing off from her for a while, if that seems to draw her closer to her friends, and not after you, i would say that something needs to be done. Sorry for being so messy

Your pal -Fisch