jealousy leading to violence to sadnesss help me sav

[tikigirl]

hi i just found this site and a couple of the other posts sound kind of like my situation but none are quite the same... hear this.

 

i was 16 when i met my boyfriend at boarding school, but we didnt go out then. he was friends with the older years, and was only 14 at the time. he got stoned like every day LITERALLY and drunk loads too. he seemed really confident and stuff, and i really liked him more than anyone else i ever liked. I dont even know why. anyways one day a girl who was friends with him, and me, told me he was going out with a girl who was 18, one of the 'cool' older girls. i found out they had had sex too, but dumped her a day after. naturally i was upset as anyone would be when their crush goes and has sex with someone else. a few weeks later i was talking to a girl i was soon to become best friends with, and mentioned i liked this guy. "oh, ive had him" she remarked casually. this shocked me, even though, unsurprisingly they were both drunk and stoned. then a girlfriend of mine texted the guy from my phone saying i liked him. he seemed interested and we kind of kissed but never got together cos he just stopped speaking to me. i asked him why by text and he said he couldnt have sexwith me cos i was a virgin (his exact words). naturally i was crushed and it got worse as my friends were friends with him too and he flirted with ALL of them. I got so depressed i started cutting myself, i really really liked him that much. then summer holdays came and i found a holiday boyfriend i liked, lost my virginity and nearly forgot about the stupid stoner guy. when we got back to school he had had his head shaved (he used to have nice curly hair) and i hoped i would get over him. but then i got best friends with a group of girls who were great friends with his friends and we all started hanging together. somehow i got into a fling type thing with this guy, he never asked me out he preferred to have 'no strings' stuff and me stupidly still in love with him, obliged. we had sex and he got jealous of other guys texting me and stuff but he flirted constantly with other girls and i was never really happy with it. then i told him i wanted somethng more serious or nothing at all, and again he just stopped talking to me. we still hung around with the group but didnt talk. one time we were all just sitting around and he asked the girl he had sex with before, my friend, if she would give him head and she said ok and off they went. that happened twice. it hurt so much seeing him walk off with another girl. Also another of my really 'good' friends after new year told me there were rumours of her having sex with him, but she swore she didnt. of course she was lying and the way gullible stupid me found out was from him bragging about it. he was, again, drunk and stoned.

well anyways months later he randomly texted me, and asked to meet up. he seemed different and was decent to me, which was unheard of for him. he kept texting me that he loved me (agan unheard of, as he always proclaimed he didnt believe in love) and i could actually talk to him normally. it was weird. he asked me out and i chanced it. a year later we are still together, he has changed totally from how he used to be and we are in love. but i keep thinking of his past. he was drunk and/or stoned for all three but it makes me so angry thinking of him instigating it each time (except the new years one which he swears he didnt, and says he didnt enjoy it-bullsh*t i say- and would never have done it if sober). it makes me sick to think of him boasting, thinking he was too cool whenall he did was make himself cheap. there are other things he did, kissing countless girls etc, but there are too many and i dont wanna make this any longer.

 

any way the long and (very) long of this is, how do i make it go away? he says i should just 'get over it' but i blame him totally for my screwed up mental state now and this makes me madder. i get so upset and mad i even hit him, scratch his face etc. he hits back but i dont blame him really. i just hurt so much, cos it was my friends, cos i know all the details of each one (i feel compelled to demand exactly what went on even though i know the truth will hurt) the thing is, with two of them he didn't even 'finish off', i was the first girl to make him orgasm, and the first girl he ever loved etc, but despirte all this i feel like i cant even go on seeing him. i feel like killing myself cos it hurts and i cant get the images of him and another girl out of my head.

 

sorry its so long, but i really need some guidance here.

 

thanks

[lil_unique_me]

ok so first of all these girls were never your mates if they could do this to you.

2nd of all cutting youself doesnt solve anything- i know it doesnt cos i do it myself.

3rd of all i know that you love him and that he said that he loved you but that doesnt make what he did to you right does it? but violence never solved anything and what you need is closure. you need to delete his email address and his phone numbers and then you need to tell him that you need a break from hime while you sort out your life.

4th of all if he was a good and honest man he would not hit you back no matter how many times you hit him or scratch him or woteva u do. Can i suggest getting out of this as fast as you can???

Jealousy is such a powerful emotion that nobody can control it and if you do become jealous take a deep breath and walk away and then you save yourself a hell of a lot of hassle.

Losing your virginity to some loser whilst it was ok at the time you really should have watied until you were in a good and honest relationship- thats 1 of my biggest regrets.

Hope that i helped. Need anymore then just post up.

Catie

[tikigirl]

hi, thanks for the reply. I know he does love me though, this is what makes it even harder for me. the guy i always wanted now loves me, and all of a sudden im jeapordising this? i know he hits me back but i do provoke him a lot i understand why he does it. the thing i cant get over is that he says he always liked me, so why did he do all that stuff? he didnt know i even existed when he had sex with the first girl. The thing is, he admits he only did it to be popular, to say he did it and not have everyone think he was a loser. but i still hate thinking about it. i know cutting myself doesnt solve the situation but its just when i m so depressed it just seems to be the answer, even though i know its not. im so confused and i just want the pictures of him and other girls OUT. it doesn't help that all the girls are always around, at school, aaaarghh

 

any more help anyone can giveme?

 

(thanks lil unique me)

[sylah]

Hello, tiki.

 

First, please stop cutting yourself. You will regret it later in life, when you are left with all these scars on your beautiful skin. Keep your skin beautiful and don't destroy its beauty for this piece of trash of a guy. You can only regret it, as you grow older and you look back upon this time in your life with a pair of eyes that have been made wiser by living life. Your beautiful skin will tell other men, who are more worthy, that you are worthy and that you are strong and that you will not allow another to psychologically control you like this and destroy you.

 

Second, you say you love this guy, but you have to ask yourself how you define "love" and what the difference is between "love" and "infatuation". I've been hurt by many guys and through that hurt, I've learned what love is -- and it's made me realize how senseless all my tears were when I was younger and how foolish I was to cry all those tears for men who were not worthy of my tears.

 

This guy is disrespecting you and all your friends. He is objectifying you and the other girls because he treats all women as sex objects. He cannot say that he loves you because he does not know what love is. When you learn what love is, it is the moment you cease to be able to use people because you know how it feels not to feel empty in that intimate moment. Sex does not equate with love. Lust does not equate with love.

 

Love is:

- when a person can bring out the best in you and the best of what you are;

- when a person encourages you to be the best that you can be;

- who will tactfully show you your faults that make you a weak person and help you in making yourself a stronger person;

- the ability to learn from one another and to make each other stronger and better, even if it means one day that you will not be without each other;

- the power to alter the course of the other person's life for the better;

- a two-way street.

 

To see if you love this person, think of this person as a mirror. Do you like the person that is reflected in the mirror? How does he reflect you? From what you've said, he has done nothing to help you stop your self-destructive behavior. If anything, he has only brought out the worst in you (i.e. the feeling of jealousy). Love is not jealous like that. Love does not encourage that jealousy.

 

You are still young, tiki. I know it's hard to see right now but there are much better men out there. When you leave school and enter the real world, you WILL meet men that will take your breath away and who will show you things that will forever change your perspective on life for the better. The pattern of self-destructive behavior this guy is showing is deeply troubling and he will only drag you down in his loser life with him. When he gets out of school, he will be no more than a mere loser.

 

I know, tiki. I've been there and I look back upon all those stupid boys that brought out the worst in me and I can't for the life of me figure out what I saw in them when I was 17 or 18. Guys like him are a dime a dozen....they're users and abusers. Today, I would not even look in his direction. Don't destroy your chances with REAL men by scarring your skin. Don't destroy your chances with REAL men by staying with this loser and missing out on opportunities to better your life through education and self-improvement. A REAL man wants one woman who is strong, independent, and can think for herself. Think for yourself, make your life better and show the REAL men what you have to offer them.

 

Trust me, I made this same decision many years ago and it's made me a better woman today (and there are no shortage of men out there).

[chavette]

i think if he has changed then it is worth it. but i dont know how to help your jealousy.