the early morning dead heart

[exploding head]

8 months later. What have you learned. What did you get from it this time? Just another reminder of all your faults? Another reminder of what you chose to not accept? More questions and questions. No answers. No one being straight with me. I should be used to all of this by now. There was a reason I wasn’t looking for you. All the innocence of being 16 til you came along.

 

“Are you dating anyone?”

“No”

“WHY not?”

“because my heart died when you left. I have no desire to be close to anyone now. Yeah, that look on your face pretty much sums it up. Thanks a lot, P.”

[hockeyboy]

im confused by your post. you talked to your ex and had that convo?

[exploding head]

more or less. Just sort of venting. Reflecting on how one ends up destroying another's heart. She said that to me a month after we broke up.

 

We are in LC now. She's been saying things like I like you and your family, I've been thinking about your mom a lot.. etc.. I don't know where it will lead. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

 

I guess the original post was me sort of reflecting on how lonely I've been..

[BrokenheartUK]

“Are you dating anyone?”

“No”

“WHY not?”

“because my heart died when you left. I have no desire to be close to anyone now.

 

This is exactly how I feel at the moment. And I was the dumper.

 

I know it wasn't directed at us, but I've learned never to take anyone for granted and to stay and work at a relationship, instead of throwing it away once things start getting boring or safe. I've also learned that nobody is perfect and that's okay, and you'll never know what you had until it's gone.

 

It's the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. Breaking up with her was the biggest mistake I ever made.

[exploding head]

This is the letter I'll never send

 

I miss the times that we had together. I miss our stream of consciousness talks and the bond we once had. I do believe that I was a * * * * * * * many times in our relationship when I had no reason to be. I was afraid of my feelings for you, so I had a wandering eye. That was clearly a mistake, as I now realize that it made you question my commitment to our relationship and to you as well. In retrospect, I still think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known. I took you for granted and I wish I had made you feel more treasured. The times that we spent together were priceless, and I realize that my negativity and hard-nosed opinions on mundane subjects drove you away. I remember complaining pointlessly about Coldplay. You were right about The Scientist. What I regret the most is not watching Sex and the City with you. I should have.I've been trying to keep a more positive outlook these days. I almost had to in response to all that happened. I'm happy with a lot of the changes.

 

You came and looked me up after 12 years, and it was like two long-lost soulmates coming back together. That was magical, and I've never experienced love like that. No matter what happens, there will always be a special place in my heart for you.Do you remember when we used to adore each other? I'd like to be back there. I think i've made enough changes and realized enough about things to know what I want. And I want you.

 

Love does not leave you as quickly as you wish. Love doesn't change even when you are slapped and stomped in the most humiliating way. It isn't something of an intellectual knowledge or skill you acquire nor is it something you can simply remove from your heart even when your heart is torn into pieces and exposed in the air with such shame and humiliation. Love may not wait for you for it scarred you but it coexists with you even when your eyes are tightly shut in deep sleep.

It really, never, leaves you....it sits quietly in the back of your heart waiting.....until you're reminded again...and again.

 

As I try to put away the painful memories of you, I'm pained by the unfortunate reality that my love for you wasn't manufactured to spare me from my misery.

It was quite real...from the very beginning of our time.

[BrokenheartUK]

That was a beautiful post. This:

 

I miss the times that we had together. I miss our stream of consciousness talks and the bond we once had. I do believe that I was a * * * * * * * many times in our relationship when I had no reason to be. I was afraid of my feelings for you, so I had a wandering eye. That was clearly a mistake, as I now realize that it made you question my commitment to our relationship and to you as well. In retrospect, I still think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known. I took you for granted and I wish I had made you feel more treasured.

 

...is exactly how I feel about my ex. Well written.

[hockeyboy]

An ex is like a drug...you can't get over the addiction if you take it just a little bit.

 

think you need need to cut contact.

 

besides conversations like that only make her feel bad/pity for you....not the attraction that you'd need for her to want you back

[exploding head]

An ex is like a drug...you can't get over the addiction if you take it just a little bit.

 

think you need need to cut contact.

 

besides conversations like that only make her feel bad/pity for you....not the attraction that you'd need for her to want you back

 

I havent shown her anything that would make her pity me as of now. In fact I sent her a pic of the deck i just built and me 40lbs. lighter. I'm just venting the sad here.

[hockeyboy]

“because my heart died when you left. I have no desire to be close to anyone now. Yeah, that look on your face pretty much sums it up. Thanks a lot, P.”

 

If you said this to her, that would qualify.

[exploding head]

I said that to her 7 months ago. She's been snooping around, saying stuff, so who knows. Just expressing the other side to the equation here, i.e. How hurt i was. Now, I'm polite and never mention anything of the relationship when we speak.