How do you know if they are the right one for you?

[fantasia2004]

After a major break-up for three months (after 2 1/2 years) and dealing with an ex- who has quickly moved on by dating someone else right away within a week from the end of it (which is weird to me. Is this normal?), my questions is how do you know if it is meant to be? People say focus on yourself and if god wants it to happen, then he will make it happen. Is this so true? Or just a myth of false hope and trash talk? For anyone getting back to normal and considering dating, how long should you wait to heal before you decide to date and fall in love again? I'm new to this site but I love all the forums and answers that have been presented. Informative. I mean I loved this person and I made some mistakes before and after the break-up along with him, but I would like to remain friends which is not possible right now at this time I did take him for granted and I did not realize that until afterwards. How do you know if it is in the cards? I am not going to be sitting by and waiting for him but I would like to know how will I know in time? We went through so much yet it fell apart over silly and childish issues. Plus I never gave him a chance to breathe and think about what happened. The "No contact rule" sort of fell apart. I feel stupid and clingy and very insecure and I hope that I can bounce from this. It's like I lost my self-respect with the begging and pleading. Disgusting truly disgusting. Any SUGGESTIONS? Advice pleaseit will help me go on with my life. What if I bump into the ex with the new girlfriend in a public place ? I feel sometimes that I would go crazy if such an encounter occurs. I hope to avoid it. After all I had to just battle a serious illness and I am not all back together with myself to normalcy with my body, emotional, and mental state. Not in a bad way that is. So what shall I do people? Tell me. Do you have questions? I know this sounds boring. Peace out!

[bzborow1]

I'm a guy, but I went through the same things as you. The begging and pleading was not the right thing to do, and his jumping into another relationship probably has more to do with his need for validation (someone else wants him) and loneliness. That said, it seems that your ex-bf has moved on, and you should too.

 

How will you know if he's the one? Well I guess the answer to that would be if he comes back on his own terms and things click, which is really a tricky question. I mean, are you wanting him because you are alone? Are because you think he is special?

 

As for what to do I would try and move on. Learn something new. Do some things out of the norm for you (a sport maybe?). And most of all go meet new ppl. At least in my situation it helped to force myself back out into the "game". Initially it was weird because the feelings were still there, and I was a newbie to "dating" and I didn't know what to do. But eventually you get over the hump and start seeing there's a lot out there for ya.

[fantasia2004]

Thanks for the heads up.

 

It is amazing because I'm truly torn between whether I want him simply because I am lonely(I am a little anxious right now. I hope that subsides) or do I really think he was a special wonderful guy. Before all the other guys that I had previously dated didn't mean anything and I got over them.

This relationship with this ex of mine is peculiar and different. I just don't know why. Even though I try to tear myself away from him by not calling him or meeting up with him still I find an excuse to see him and he obliges. It's terrible. I feel like it's a dance between two people. I would like for him to later reconsider but also I am willing to accept how things are and put a stop to it with no contact and go on with my life. For me I think it's hard but it is possible.

I obviously can't wallow in sadness over a guy forever! What I just don't understand is why he chooses to see me even though he swears he has moved on? You have a girlfriend and you say want space and yet you still show up? I know why I choose to see him but for him I can't see why.

What gives?

[bzborow1]

Well if you two are stilling having sexual encounters then the reason would be obvious! But if not, who's asking who to go? If it's you who are asking him to go then I think he would go...why? Because the truth is guys don't think too much about those things, if there's something to do when we're alone we'll go...provided you haven't ended it by cheating, etc....

 

Now obviously he "could" still want to be with you, but unless he makes his intentions known to you then there really isn't anything you can do but move on.

[Scooter]

Hi there.

 

Read your post and can totally sympathize with you. I was dumped about 6 months ago and it hit me pretty hard. Like you, my ex (female) found a partner almost straight away and after a 5-year relationship that hurt quite a bit. I've started to get my life back together, slowly and I too have asked myself many times "was she the one" and "how would I know". To cut a long story short we had our ups and downs but somehow I just wasn't quite sure about her, which is why I didn't commit and in the end she got fed up with me and left. Can't blame her really. Initially I was upset because of what she had done and all the same thoughts went through my head, "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" and "if she took me back I could learn from my mistakes and things could be great". I was desperate to get her back to fill that void in my life not because I missed HER. But I realized there are two people in a relationship and I wasn't the only one to blame. So why did I let the relationship go on for so long if it didn't feel right? Well two reasons I suppose. The first was that I thought she would change but people don't and the second I liked having a partner and all the things that go with it. Not really the basis for a lifetime of happiness and I realize that now. So how do you know when you have met the one. Well, I know it's a cliche but you will know. You will know because you will stop looking. They will bring out the best in you. You will be 150% sure of this person. My ex was the opposite. Don't get me wrong we got on great and had a good time together but I think there was just something missing to make everything complete. I don't think I was satisfied and I wasn't getting things out of the relationship that I really wanted. I often think am I being too fussy and that I'll never meet someone who matches up to what I want but on the other hand, why settle for second best and be with someone you are not 100% sure of. You may miss out on the chance of meeting someone truly special. Yes it's nice to be with someone but I've made the mistake of being with them for the wrong reasons and paid the ultimate price. When you are ready for a new relationship you will know what you want and you will know when you have found it.

[Hopingpraying]

Scooter,

 

Well then what your telling me is I found the one and I let her get away. Thats somewhat depressing. I stopped looking but she didn't. So I guess she was the one for me but I wasn't the one for her.

 

I think you are forgetting that both people have to believe each other to be the one.. Other than that, I totally agree with what you are saying.

 

I hope I get out of my funk soon. This divorce stuff is very painful.

[Scooter]

I'm sorry if what I have said has upset you but as you quite rightly stated you both have to feel it. My ex said to me once infront of all her family that I was the one for her and then I get dumped a year later. So what happened that made her change her mind? Why the change of heart? I don't know. I can only presume she got fed up of waiting but if I was the one she would have waited forever. I find it really hard sometimes to accept that she said this once and meant it and then I get dumped. I'll never get to find out why. I think we could have been happy together although I had some doubts. But it's her loss. I have a good job and earn a good salary and could have given her everything she ever wanted, and the guy she is with now is a total loser, but maybe that's what she wanted. It's hard to accept that someone doesn't want you anymore and even more so if you want them more than anything but how can that ever work? There is someone out there for all of us. Good luck in your search and you WILL find them.

[fantasia2004]

I see your point Scooter, but tell me something when she admitted that you were the one did you feel the same way too at the time you dated her? Why would she want a loser like that? The one she settled for eventually I mean. So when you stop looking like my ex did maybe he found his soulmate? Is that what you mean? You don't have to come looking for them. What kills me is that I am not angry that he is dating this woman, it is just that I am mad at the fact that she may be the one girl that can help bring the best out of him when I could not. I tried but we argued over petty things without resolving them and then money became an issue to where he uses me afterwards to obtain it. It hurts as I think about it. But why punish myself? What's done is done right? God I need to let this go!

[Scooter]

No, I suppose deep down I didn't feel that way. I got the impression sometimes that all she wanted was to settle down and get her own place with someone - anyone. Maybe this new guy had promised her the fairy tale. I was angry at first but now I think she is stupid. As I told her after we split the grass isn't always greener, etc, etc. This new guy might be what she wants from a relationship though. Unfortunately I can't change that, although I wish it was me that she wanted to be with so I could bring out the best in her as you say. We argued over stupid things as well but the little silly arguments are what can sometimes make a big difference. Do you really want to spend the rest of the life with someone who uses you? Didn't think so. What's done is done and you can't change the past. But we can change our future.

[fantasia2004]

That is so true and yet for me it has been the hardest to move on and get on with my life. I really did not understand how people do it. For me I have obviously allowed this breakup which was over four months ago to overwhelm me and take over my mind. In the process I became very obsessive and appeared too clingy to my ex. Addictive yes! But I am seeking help. But of course I have to do the work in order to recover.