Confused ... but SO in love ...

[Xandra]

First off, thanks to anyone who takes the time to reply!! Even a few words of advice are greatly appreciated.

 

I've been with my boyfriend *Ian for about 9 months. When I met him I was still dating another guy whom I was with for over 2 years, but things had gradually fallen apart. I was no longer in love with him, and was tremendously unhappy. Ian and I became very good friends right away, I loved spending time with him, and he would always tell me that he loved spending it with me too. I eventually broke things off with the guy I was with for 2 years, and starting dating Ian. Rebound? Of course. But it's lasted for 9 months and I've never felt so connected to another person before in my life.

 

Problem: Ian and I have always argued about this and that. It's sort of how we are. The arguments are usually never serious, and end up with us laughing about it and actually learning more about the other person. About a month ago they started to get a bit more intense, to the point that we actually considered going our separate ways. The thought of life without him is literally almost unbearable - whenever I picture it I am on the verge of crying.

 

About 3 weeks ago we got into an argument and he said that he didn't think we had a happy future ahead of us, and that he was starting to feel weird about everything. I moved into his place because 3 months ago the roommate I had at the time moved out one weekend when I wasn't there. I couldn't afford it so he asked me to move in with him for as long as I wanted. Well, when we argued a few weeks ago we agreed that it was too soon to take the step of living together.

 

Now, my problem is that the entire week after he said that he didn't think we had a happy future ahead of us, he's been nothing but treating me like GOLD. He has said countless times how sorry he is for doubting things, that he loves me and will do anything to make this work. He is always affectionate, understanding and loving.

 

I was very damaged and scared by what he said. I have brought it up a few times casually, looking for reassurance obviously, but he says that he doesn't want to have to keep telling me over and over again that he loves me and wants to make our relationship work. He has also said that he loves living with me and coming home to me every day, and that he can't bare the thought of not having me in his life. He's either very confused about what he wants, or he was testing me in a VERY mean way. Either way I don't know what to think anymore. I love this man deeply, almost to the point that when I am not with him I crave his affection.

 

We've talked about this a couple of times, there is great communication between us. I feel like I can talk to him about anything. When we are together it's like there's nothing and nobody else in the world. I've said and done some harsh things too, but I would love to just start fresh with him and believe that he really does want to be with me. He's assured me that I am the woman for him, but part of me just can't believe him.

 

Am I just paranoid or should I really re-evaluate everything? My heart is telling me that I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life, I just want to believe that the feeling is mutual.

 

Sorry for the long post, there's even more than this, but I figured I would include only the most important points!! Thanks SO MUCH to ANYONE who replies!!

[bravegirl04]

I feel you homegirl. Understand that guys are just like girls, they have little mood swings too. My boyfriend and i have been fighting alot lately. To be honest, when he yells at me over the phone, i be trying so hard not to laugh because even though he tells me how much he can't stand me, i know he loves me and he will never leave me. Maybe thats the situation with your guy. Sometimes when people fight they say whatever they are feeling at that time but they really dont mean it. So have a little chit chat with him to see whats goin on but im pretty sure he was just havin mood swings. Good luck and keep me updated!

 

Jessica

[Xandra]

Thanks BG ... things have gotten a bit better, but I still feel a distance between us emotionally and sexually. I'm not sure how to take that, but we have almost completely stopped arguing, so that is definitely a step forward, but it could also mean that we are both so exhausted from disputes that we don't care to do it anymore, lol!!

 

He's always telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but for some reason I can never fully believe it. Intuition or something I guess!

[pesty]

Hey Xandra,

A few things pop out at me about your situation. One major one being the rebound issue and the other one being your lack of independence.

You wrote: The thought of life without him is literally almost unbearable - whenever I picture it I am on the verge of crying.

It sounds like to me you need to spend some time alone evaluting what it is you want. You ended a relationship and began a new one without time to heal. I think this is part of the reason you feel so confused. If you can't stand being alone then you are not being fair to him by clinging to him.

A statement like the pasted one above hints at the fact this relationship may be unhealthy. You are only 23 and considering being with him the rest of your life? Thats seems really young. What about your dreams and goals? Have you talked about that with him, do you both want the same things? Are you willing to compromise?

Also the circumstances of you moving in put pressure on both of you. Have you given any thought to living seperatly but still dating? I know it may seem like going back but you are at an age when you need to be discoverying who are you.

It is a bad sign if neither of you are willing to even argue about your issues, not even trying? Thats for sure taking each other for granted and being lazy. Lastly, if your intuition is telling you there are some serious doubts then YOU NEED TO LISTEN. I think TIME APART would be good for you two and then you MAY have the fresh start you think are looking for.

Good Luck!

Stella

[Xandra]

Thanks for the reply Pesty. I think you're right about saying that I've "attached" myself, although I don't feel that it's only because I've become dependent on him. Haven't you ever just felt something and not understood WHY exactly? It's surprising to me because I am normally a very level-headed and objective person, but I can't make proper adult decisions when it comes to him. Ah well ...

 

Things have gotten better, he's even asked me several times to move with him and another roommate to another apartment when the lease is up at our current place in July. Still unsure of what I want to do ... I'm actually torn between wanting to continue living with him and moving back to my hometown (I am from another province).

[pesty]

Hey X~

Yes, I do know what you mean about feeling pulled to a person and not really understanding the WHY. I'm actually in a similar situation to that feeling presently. I can't make very proper decisions when it comes to my ex.

Glad to hear things have gotten better. Its good to hear you are thinking about whats best for you for the future.

Do you ever talk to your mom about relationship stuff or an aunt or someone like that? Since they know you they can give a different perspective on the situation, which can be very helpful sometimes.

Take Care,

Stella

[Xandra]

Nah I never talk to my mom or aunts about my personal life, I just don't go there with that ... lol. For some reason, I just believe that with women I look up to and respect (and fear sometimes), it's better to keep things on a family-based level ... haha

 

In any event, I really appreciate your input. It's nice to have an objective opinion. Sometimes when I am not with him, I feel alive ... I feel free, alone with my thoughts and I can actually have perspective on other things in my life, him included. Then when I get around him, I am like this whole other person, I can't think about anything else. I hate and love it at the same time.

[heart4chris]

Hey X-

 

I know actually what you're feeling when you say you have feelings and you don't know why. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. WE've had some problems but we've gotten through them. When you feel like you say you are.. .take some time by yourself. Me and my boyfriend used to see each other 5 days a week, it got to where we never had time to ourselves. Its gotten better now that we have a least one day a week to ourselves.

 

Its okay to feel this much love for someone at your age, cause i'm not as old as you and i know that the person i am with now is the only one i wnat to be with, just don't let him run your live... let yourselves have some time alone to get some thoughts together ....

hope this helps

 

heart4chris

[Xandra]

Hey H4C ... thanks ...

 

Actually I work full-time during the days, am out of the house for like 12 hours a day, then most of the time our hours are conflicting so I see him for maybe a few hours a day now ...

 

I just worry that I may misread things ... and him. Other than that, I do love being with him in my spare time, there isn't really anyone else I would rather hang out with to be honest. I think time will tell on this one.

 

Thanks for all the input guys, great advice.