My Wife's Mother Has Disowned Her & She Can't Get Over I

[mara]

I'm actually writing this on behalf of my wife who I don't think has the energy to do it for herself. She has constant nightmares and can't sleep. When she does sleep she is sobbing and wailing in her dreams. When she's awake she's so sad and depressed. I want to help her but she refuses to seek councelling so hopefully I can get some advice here from you guys who it seems have a lot of similar problems to her.

 

It's a long story though this one, it's not just about her mother, it's about her whole so called family. I'll abbreviate the story as best I can.

 

Basically, my suffered sexual abuse between the age of 7 - 9 at the hand of her then 16 - 18 year old brother. She tried to tell her mum the first time it happened. The first time, when her mum was out and left her alone with him, he locked her in his mums room and put her through a shocking ordeal. At 7, her natural reaction when he released her was to run screaming to her mum who was in the neighbours house. She told her the moment it happened but her mum didn't believe her and to prove it asked her what colour pants he was wearing then. Of course she knew. Her mum went to investigate, locked herself in the room with the brother and came out like 5 minutes later. Literally stormed past her and it was left at that. Not a word of consolence or even explaination. It was swept under the carpet and never mentioned again.

 

Naturally her brother did it again and again but my wife as a child never told her mum again.

 

The weirdest is yet to come though. He also abused my wife's other two brothers and he raped and abused her sister. None of them ever told the mum or dad about it.

 

I dont understand the mind of child victims in these situations, all I know is that my wife lived with it inside her all those years and never told her mum what her brother really was. Until August '03 that is when she had finally had enough of the terrible dreams and nightmares. When she had finally had enough of pretending that everything was alright and enough of watching her mother treat this abusive brother like her blue eyed boy. She decided to tell her mum everything that had happened growing up.

 

Her mother had always made it clear that this abuser was her favourite. She did everything for him and did nothing for the others. Sickened by it, my wife spilled it all out and told her everything that he had done to her as a child. Her brother's and sisters' stories followed soon after.

 

As you can imagine there were tears, family get togethers, shouting, the normal reactions. The abusive son was disowned by the mother. The son had 2 very young kids of his own by now and when questioned it turned out they had also been the victims of his sexual abuse. My wife decided to inform the police.

 

This is where is get really weird now. Her mum's reaction to her informing the police on her beast son was to beg her not to go to the police. Begged her not to make a statement and told her that if she did then she would be disowned! I cant believe that but it's true. What sort of reaction is that from your mother??

 

Anyway, my wife determined to do the right thing and seek justice not ony for herself but for her neice and nephew and obviously to try and protect the rest of society from this monster, told the police everything. He was arrested and charged.

 

My wife's mother has told her to consider her dead and has not spoken to her in 8 months. We hav three kids together and they never got a christmas card or a birthday card and they all wonder what has happened to their gran who used to see them regularly and now has disowned them!!

 

What kind of a psycho mother is this at all?? I personally wish she had died of a heart attack the minute she learned of her precious son, but alas she is still alive. Still holding her strong arm control over the rest of my wife's family. They are all doing as told and none of them will make a statement to the police in fear of their mum disowning them too. They have even been told not to mention my wife's name in the house or to contact her or they will be disowned too.

 

The trial date for this guy is not for a few months yet but the prosecutor reckons he'll get off scott free since these other family members wont come forward.

 

Obviously this is just a condensed version of the whole story. I'm just writing here to see if anyone can give her some words of encouragement. Something to make her see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. She feels so abandoned and let down and alone. What can I do to help her?? Please help?!

[bzborow1]

Where is the your wife's father in all this? It would seem to me he would have an oppinion as well as some influence. It's becoming apparent that she is being forced to choose between relieving her stress over what happened to her in the past vs. keeping a relationship with her mother (other siblings?).

 

My take on this would be that she may be able to patch things with her mother in time, but she will never feel free from her past until she confronts it in the manner she is. What about her siblings? They are all on the mothers side? What about her abusive brothers family? You may have to step out in front of your wife to help her deflect all the negative vibes from her family...perhaps someone outside the family (such as yourself) can try and smooth things out...but it's clear that having your wife handle her family on her own isn't working...

[Balthamos]

While I know that your wife is very upset, it may not be the worst thing in the world. I can't believe that she didn't do anything when your wife told her the first time. Now she's trying to protect that S.O.B.! Has she no thought at all about her grandchildren, or is he still her little golden boy even though she disowned him. I don't know what your relationship is with your wife's siblings, but I think you need to talk to them and do everything in your power to get them to make them testify against this guy. Explain to them that by keeping the silence their mother has imposed on them, they are subjecting this guys little kids to the same hell they grew up with. Do they know how much your wife is hurting because of this? I wouldn't tell her mother, she doesn't seem like she would care much, but by keeping their silence, they aren't letting themselves heal, they're causing your wife unbelievable amounts of pain and just standing by doing nothing while the cylce is repeated on another generation, despite the fact that they have the power to stop it. I suppose it would be understandable if it was only their own abuse, but these his kids as well. If you can get them to band with you to help these kids, then they'd have broken the barrier of silence and your wife will get her part of her family back to talk to and rely on, if not all of them.

[mara]

Firstly, I appreciate you guys taking time to respond and I take on board all that you're saying. It's Mara here now, my husband showed me this thread and I am going to try and take over from him to save confusion. It's difficult to paint the whole picture to you with so few words but just to point out at least that the rest of my family, although victims themselves, all side with my mother on this.

 

Take my brother for example. He's a soldier in the British Army and I expected him to be strong and stand up for justice and for what is right. You'd think!!! He doesn't even want to listen!! All he says is, "I don't want to know" and, "he's still your brother". He had the cheek to call me out of the blue after months of giving me the cold shoulder to ask me to try and patch things up with mum. I tried to explain to him that if he had read the letter that she sent me then he'd realise that was an impossibility. She called me and my family Judas' and betrayers and slagged my 4, 6 and 7 year old children off to me. She critisised me in their upbringing and accused me of puting my children through far worse than I went through with the abuse from my brother!!!!

 

Just to point out here, my children are very happy kids, not a care in the world and they have never been subjected to anyhting remotely resembling such torture as I had to endure. I really don't have a clue what my mother was on about but she hurt me really badly with the things she said. I can never forgive her for that.

 

What I can't get though is my brother's attitude to it all. He kept saying, "but he's still your brother" and, "he's innocent til proved guilty" and "he has every rite to be walking the streets". Now this is my own flesh and blood who I looked up to and respected. This is my brother, who was also abused by him as a child and turns round and says, "but it's not that big a deal". He is actually prepared to stand by while his bother sexually abuses his neice and nephew right there under his nose and he says, "what will it achieve except to hurt mum".

 

Here's what I say to him, "it'll get that piece of *t off the street and away from other children before he does it again". "AH but you don't know that", he says. "Ah but I do know that". I reply..... and on and on in a circle it went...... I haven't spoken to him again since. The final note was that I am being selfish.

 

I cant understand this at all at all. Is this a normal reaction????? I always though that people HATED paedophiles and would do anything to rid the place of them. My brother who was abused by this guy actually turns round and tells me that he isn't a paedophile!! That I'm being selfish from puting all this burden on my mum.... What about them? Are they not being selfish in turning their backs and letting this SOB walk the streets doing God knows what to God knows who??

 

I'm ranting again, I could rant for hours, it doesn't make sense..... That's just a little bit of it all too. I have a sister that was raped and abused by him, my neice and nephew (the SOB's kids), another brother that was abused by him and of course a stepdad that chooses to take a back seat.

 

Here's another one that keeps rolling around in my head. My sister refuses to go to the police because her husband doesn't know about any of it. It's been kept a sordid secret from him. She has never confided in him about any of her ordeals even after 3 years together. She thinks that if he found out now after so long then he'd go off it and walk out. Especially seeing as their little kid has been left alone for hours at a time with this SOB. So that's her excuse for not going to the law and giving the statement that the prosecutor reckons is enough to put him away.

 

Here's another one that keeps rolling around in my poor messed up little head. When my sister was raped by him, she actually went and told my step dad and my mum about it and they did nothing, not a god damned thing about it!! It was kept a secret!! What's wrong with my family??????

 

Then there's my other brother who's told me not to ever call him until I've made things up with mum and slammed down the phone. That was in August, not heard from him since. Another victim here that thinks it's best forgotten.

 

Have none of them any thoughts for his future victims???? There have been reports since that he has been abusing other kids. Even my army brother knows about that.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME CUZ I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!?!?!??!? IT'S DRIVING ME TOTALLY BANANAS!!!!

 

What should I do?????

 

 

Do I go to the papers????

 

HELP!?!?!?

 

Mara

[Balthamos]

Mara,

 

If I understand what your husband said about not being able to convict him without your other siblings' testimony, then I think that you have to do whatever is in your power to help those kids. I think that your mother seems like the main source of their loyalty, I can't imagine they'd defend him after what he did to them unless she was pressuring them into it. Why do they all bow to her every whim, even when it's so obviously wrong?!

 

If you don't think you'll be able to convince your family to help save these and God only knows how many others, then I'm not really sure what the best course of action would be. That seems to be more of a legal question of what would be most effective. Have you talked with the prosecutor about ways to help get more evidence? Can you maybe tape phone calls with your siblings and get them to say that he abused them too? (Not sure if that could be used in court, but it seems worth a try?).

 

I know that may not be much help, but hopefully you'll get this guy.

 

God Bless

 

Balthatmos

[mara]

That's just the thing Balthamos, there are do many, 'but why's' in this equation that it starts to mess with your head. Sometimes when I'm a bit low I get to thinking, "is it me that's wrong here?". Why indeed are my whole family turning a blind eye to this and in fact disowning me as if it's my fault?

 

I've done nothing other that expose him for what he is and demand some justice and protection for the kids. I'm totally gobsmacked at the reaction from my family when every stranger that I ask sees things the way you and I do.

 

As I say, the police are powerless without testimony and they are not getting any testimony. I can't tape record conversations as they are inadmissable in a court of law.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening and letting me get some of this out in the open. Speaking of which, I will be going to the papers to name and shame the whole lot of them for what they are. I need to wait until after his trial though.

 

Mara.

[Balthamos]

Mara,

 

I'm really sorry to hear that this has turned out like it has. At some point, there's just nothing more you can do. It's really hard, I know, but even if everyone's against you, always keep strong and know that you did what was right, and you did the best you could. If you've done everyting you could, then at some point you have to try and find a way to move on, if you just keeping spinning your wheels without accomplishing anything, you'll just completely burn yourself out.

 

I know that's not very comforting, and I hate the idea of leaving that guy with children, as much as anyone, but we're only human.

 

I know the knoweldge that you did the right thing is small consolation to the pain you feel now, but someday, somehow, I believe that there will be a reward for all your strength and perserverance in such an unfair painful situation.

 

I will keep you in my prayers and please post if there's anyting else you need.

 

God Bless

 

Balthamos

[Ingrid]

1. A VERY SIMILAR STORY : ALL ENDED WELL

 

A friend of mine and her 4 siblings underwent the same ordeal as you. When her father was prosecuted for raping the kids for many years, my friend denied the whole thing. Only her older sister said the truth, all the other siblings were too scared to dennounce their father. The father was never convicted.

 

However, her mom moved away to another State with her older sister. All the "liars" stayed with their father. The abuse stopped though. My friend grew up, moved out of the house, but she was never successful. She and her siblings took drugs, etc. She never finished high school and she was working as a gas station attendant.

 

Her sister, meanwhile, move on with her life, went to college, got married. She blossomed.

 

A few months ago, my friend who had been looking for her mom and sister for years reconnected with them and now she is moving out of the State to be close to her sister and mother.

 

My friend always felt guilty about lying in favour of her father. She felt really bad with respect to her sister who had called the police. The guy was not convicted mainly because of her testimony, the other kids were very young. She cried many times telling me this story. It was always on her conscience.

 

I believe you did the right thing and your siblings will someday recognize and appreciate what you did. You have probably put a halt to the abuse and they will be very grateful with you.

 

I am sorry to say this, but your mom and stepdad are almost as guilty as your brother. They don't deserve ANY love or respect. In fact, it is very possible that they have been involved in sexual abuse themselves, as victims or as abusers, since they were not particularly shocked by your ordeal. Don't worry about them. Consider your mom as dead. Find a mother figure who is more appropriate, i.e. your mother in law.

 

What you need to do now is focus and appreciate what you have now : your children and husband, and count your blessings.

 

If you still feel you need to do everything necessary to obtain a conviction and the hearing has not finished yet, then go to the newspapers. You can do so anonymously, by sending them information about the facts and hearing dates. At least, the whole world will now. Your sister's husband deserves to be informed who he is dealing with, particularly if your brother is not convicted. His wife deserves to know too, and needs to protect her children. I would strongly advice you to do it.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

If you stil