GF still loves her ex... what to do? (long)

[eelrahc]

Hoping to get some advice here... I've been in a relationship for 7 months with a girl who, at least as she tells me, has never been in love with anyone since her first boyfriend. She has had other (6 month to a year) relationships since him, but would always manage to hook up with him once a year or so even while she was seeing other guys (she hasn't lived near him in 5 years or so). She's also 24, 20 years younger than me, so that may play into this, but it hasn't been an issue between us... Anyway... about the time we started hanging out, she finally broke up with him "for good". Now, I had had a fairly difficult break up about 6 months before myself, and she had a hard time dealing with my lingering feelings for my ex, and honestly, it *did* take me a while to let go of that relationship (me and my ex work together... fun huh?) but I've put it behind me. Finally And it seemed like my GF was letting go of her ex, and, to her surprise, falling in love with me. I've certainly fallen in love with her. But she's always seemed kind of scared to completely give her heart to me.

 

And I kind of can understand that, she's just starting her life's journey, and the thought of long term commitment probably makes her uncomfortable, not wanting to feel "tied down" and stuff. That I can deal with, I understand we're in different places in life, and she may want to pick up and move to uh... Tierra del Fuego or something. It would make me really sad, but I'd understand. I just want her to be able to love me.

 

Over the past few weeks though, she seems to have started missing her ex a lot more. We had a little uh... hiccup, (which we worked through) in our relationship, and I guess it made her start wondering if she had been unfair to her ex, and maybe if she had done something different it would have worked out... etc etc... And because I kinda went through the same stuff with my ex, I've been pretty understanding. But now, It's kinda starting to bug me. She sent him a "mushy" (her words) email a week or so ago, which was returned as undeliverable, which she realizes was probably a good thing, but the fact she can't contact him seems to have made her think about him more and be more determined to contact him.

 

So my question (finally!) is... Should I continue to be understanding? Or press the "him or me" issue? According to her, I'm the best BF she's ever had. I respect her, treat her like a queen, communicate well, make her feel good, things she's never really (again, her thoughts) gotten from anyone before. I just feel like maybe I'm being *too* understanding, that maybe she's starting to take me for granted. I don't know... Well anyone with any thoughts please chime in... sorry for the lengthy post!

[boxcar1134]

hey there eelrahc,

i have been in a similar situation. my boyfriend had the same problem your girl is having. he was in love with two women. her name was angel. angel and my bf had been dating off and on for 2 years. he really loved her but she wouldn't commit.

well i happened to meet him during one of their "breakups". he and i started spending alot of our time together and eventually started dating even though she was always on his mind...or so it seemed. it got to the point that he was almost obssessed with trying to get her back even though he loved me just as much. it put alot of strain on our relationship and i started to question whether i should leave him or not.

eventually it got to the point where i couldn't take it anymore. i told him to decide...her or me. i explained all my feelings and let him know how much he was hurting me. i gave him the option of breaking it off with me and just being my friend. when i explained how i felt to him and gave him a choice.....he chose me.

i hated that i had to make him choose between us. it's a tough decision to make but it worked out for the best. you have to decide if your girlfriend is mature enough to make that decision.....do you think she could handle the pressure of having to choose? if you think she could...then i would definitely recommend telling her how you feel and letting her know that it would make you feel better if she finally decided who she wanted to be with more.

 

hope that helps.....

[raggamuffin]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation, exes can be so confusing cant they. Before you play the "him or me" card be prepared that she will choose him. If someone made me choose between them or someone else I would choose the other person simply because they hadnt asked me. On the other hand what she is doing is not fair on you. If you are the best boyfriend why does she need to contact him so much. I know how she is feeling though I am very good friends with my ex and I suspect when I find a new person to spend my life with they may find that difficult but I certainly dont hold any feelings for him. Why dont you ask her why it is so important that she needs to contact her ex? Because it may just be because she values her friendship with him and doesnt want to lose it. I know that I would be unhappy if i lost contact with my ex but not cause im in love with him. So basically my advice is find out if she is in love with him or just wants to stay friends with him. If she is in love with him there is probably no use in fighting for her affections. I hope that it turns out for you. Remember there are plenty more great girls out there that would love to be with you im sure. All the best. R.

[Michael2]

You have to stop these games NOW.

 

It is unfair to your relationship, and most importantly to YOU.

 

You are dating her, she shouldn't be sending mushy emails to anyone other then you.

 

She is confused and you are making the decision easy for her. She is thinking in the back of her mind, " well my boyfriend is dealing with this non sense, why stop now" I suggest you launch out of this relationship. I have read horror stories in regards to someone breaking up with another in order to have another chance with their ex. Your heart will be ripped to shreds if the preceding passage occurs.

 

You are being too understand, its 7 months too long. You have lots of thinking to do my friend. Think with your head and not with your heart. If you dont, you will be burned.

 

What to know why I say this. My ex broke up with me a few months ago. She is dating someone else for a few months. She called me and told me she misses and me and that she hopes that we can back together. Feel bad for the poor guy she is currently dating. DONT BE THAT GUY MY FRIEND.

 

PS: Unfortunately I believe she may still be in love with this dude. Tell me how long they dated and why they broke up and I will tell you, with good certainty, whether or not she is still not OVER him.