Trust and Relationship beginnings

[Brady4]

Hey All,

 

I was just wondering if any of you have trust issues based on how your relationship began. Here's my story, briefly:

 

Senior year of college, my girlfriend had a long term boyfriend. They were going to be separated, as he was going to grad school far away. Her and I started getting pretty close, and ended up staying over a few times... never hooking up or cheating, but still, not quite right.

 

We didn't get together until they split, just about a year ago.

 

Now she's working away from me Monday through Thursday, and has a few friends where she works. She expressed that she shares a common sense of humor with one of the guys and gets along with him pretty well. He's come on to her a couple times, but she tells me she shot him down.

 

I wouldn't be very suspicious, if it weren't for the fact that we started nearly the same way. However, it would be ridiculous of me to think she's going to leave me for any guy she gets along with.

 

Have any of your relationships started in a less the reputable way? And, if so, how are you dealing with it?

[xCOREx]

none of mine have but idk. I have a roomate who started out kinda weak. this grl started hanging with him while she was with someone else . the someone else is how my roomie met her. eventually she dumped this other guy for my roomie and the same thing happened to my roomate got dumped for a guy she started hanging out with while they were a couple. the only advice i have is to not start of that way or it might end that way. I'd say talk to her about how you feel about it.

[xCOREx]

maybe she also doesnt truly invest in herself either.

[Brady4]

ForsakenLove, you may be right. She doesn't show very much emotion; however, she's told me that she loves me, which I'm sure she hasn't said very often in her lifetime.

 

She also doesn't have a problem telling me that she goes to dinner and the gym with this guy frequently, which I'd think she'd hide if something was going on.

 

She never gets messages from him Thursday night through Sunday, I know because I'm with her constantly during that time period. If something was going on, I'd assume they'd stay in touch then too.

 

It does seem similar to how we began, but that could just be me looking for evidence that the same thing is going on with them.

[Brady4]

Thought I was over this, but maybe not. It's 11:30 and she's still out with her coworkers. I really want to talk to her, but at the same time, I don't, because I know I'll end up sounding needy and accusing her of being into her coworker.

 

Feeling like the relationship is kind of doomed.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I would tell her how you're feeling. If you're thinking the relationship is doomed anyway, what's there to loose? If she's going out with her co-workers a lot, bringing it up is justified, whether something's going on or not. Just calmly tell her how you feel about it - but don't scream, cling or make it a big deal. Then see what she does. If she respects you and your relationship, she will listen to your concerns and she may stop, or at least reduce the time she goes out. If she balks or gets defensive, hum...

[orangesoda]

People don't change. Sorry, but to be blunt, you're wearing rose-colored glasses. What she did to her ex, she can very very easily do to you. Forget about what you think you know, and be concerned about what you actually do know - which is that she doesn't respect the boundaries of a relationship. I'd be willing to bet that your GF is very attractive and gets plenty of attention. She likes it, it's free, she doesn't have to work for it, or invest any emotions. The guys in her life make it easy for her - she has tons of options. If she broke up with her ex, you were there. If you break up with her, this new co-worker is there. None of you are really a challenge to her, you guys don't make her work for it, and since she doesn't, she doesn't value what she has.

 

If some guy came up to me every morning and gave me a nickel for free, I wouldn't break a sweat if I misplaced it. But if earning that nickel every morning meant that I had to be up before dawn to deliver 500 newspapers, you can bet your life that a misplaced nickel would really bother me.

 

The last point I'm going to make is...well, you probably don't want to hear it, but this is reality: She's not invested as much as you are in this. You can stay or you can go - up to you. But it's pretty obvious she's groomed a replacement for you already.

[Brady4]

orangesoda,

 

You make very good points. I don't think she'll change right away. She'll probably always hang out with other guys, and since she's a funny girl, she'll probably joke around with them. This doesn't bother me, as I understood this about her as well when I got with her... comes with the territory.

 

I disagree that she doesn't value the relationship though. We talk for nearly an hour every night, and she's dropped the "L" word more than once. I don't think she's out looking for a replacement. She told me there is no physical attraction to this other guy, he's not that good looking. I consider myself something girls might enjoy looking at, so that comforts me a bit.

 

I understand she may find someone she likes better, and why shouldn't she be with him? It's an unsettling and crappy outlook, but that's the way the world works.

 

But she's not "easy", and she's been faithful in her relationships. I guess what I'm wondering is, is there some point in a girl's life where she accepts what she has and settles down a little? She could use a tad of that, I suppose.

[orangesoda]

Not to belabor the point, but what she did to her ex with you isn't something I would consider being 'faithful.'

 

What I meant by 'easy' was that her behavior makes it easy for her to have guys 'in the wing'. Some girls who are in committed relationships will avoid extensive one-on-one time with other guys - because they don't want to convey the wrong message. I'm not sure your GF is one of those kinds of girls. (eg: this co-worker comes on to her, and despite the fact that she 'shoots' him down (verbally), her actions sort of say otherwise (dinner, gym, frequently). In my view, that's basically having her cake, and eating it too. Like I said, you guys (you, him) make it easy for her - monday through thursday, he's there for her. Fri through Sunday, you're there for her. In case things don't work out between you and her, he's ready and willing to step in.

 

If you want my opinion on women, I wouldn't really take any of them seriously until they're in the 25-30 year old range. Any age before then, if they're decently attractive, they'll have guys all over them, so many options, why settle for just one (unless they hit the jackpot, and find Mr. Tall/Dark/Handsome/Rich, etc.) As they approach mid-life crisis, they start to notice that there are younger, more attractive girls for guys to pick from - kind of a reversal of fortune. It's at that point that they start to worry about growing older, losing their looks, not having a guy to care for them, getting too old to have children, having to compete against younger girls, etc. That's when they stress about finding Mr. Right (and if they're in a committed relationship, they start pressuring about marriage, etc.)

 

Again, all that is a broad generalization, but in my experience (and those of my guy friends), it's a pretty good one.

 

Regardless, my advice is to judge people on what they do, not what they say. If your GF is spending a whole lot of time with a guy that's got the hots for her, but she's telling you there isn't any attraction...I'm not sure that's 2+2=4 in my book.

 

Good luck, anyways.

[knightingale]

My ex broke up with the girl before me for me. He claimed that it wasn't something that happened to him, but I came to discover by him and his friends it was just something that he did all too often. Naturally, I became weary of any girl who would talk to him at this point, thinking she would be who he would leave me for. It was ridiculous and unhealthy, and luckily that relationship ended. It has since happened to two other girls in the last six months.

 

I wouldn't let my guard down with this one. If it's happened before, it can happen again.

[Brady4]

Thanks for the input, knightingale...

 

I don't think my girlfriend is one to jump around very quickly, as your ex seems to. She's been in two long-term relationships before this. She dumped the first because he started being a real jerk (she took the hint that he wasn't into it anymore). She tells me she dumped the last guy (explained in post 1) because he was just way more into than she was... I get the feeling that her previous boyfriend was kind of boring, so the relationship lost its luster.

 

I like to think we have a pretty solid relationship. We keep things fresh by constantly doing new things and surprising each other with tickets and event ideas. As far as commitment in the relationship, I think we're both on the same footing... we both make sacrifices for each other, but we still hold our ground for certain things, which adds a bit of zest to the relationship in itself.

 

However healthy it may appear from the outside, I still have this lingering feeling that she could leave me for somebody else. No relationship is 100% safe, but I feel I don't trust her as much as I should, or would like to.