elizmdavis Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Has anyone successfully recovered from this? I am sure it is possible to do so. My New Year's resolution is to be good to my SELF. By December 2009 I would like to know more about, be more confident, and love WHO I AM. I think I may have a problem with codependency. So much that it is effecting my general health and relationships with others, especially my significant other. To fullfil my NYR I must grow out of this vicious cycle! I have been studying codependency and I truly identified with a lot of it. My childhood was dysfunctional: divorced parents, family feuds, alcohlic family members, angry and controlling father...Although I was taken care of, I wasn't always treated very well growing up. I feel now that I never got a fair chance to know my SELF because I was always trying to please those or find happiness for those who seemed so unhappy. I know I did this as a child...I know I do this now too, at my own expense. There is a game which codependents constantly play, it is that of a rescuer, persecuter and victim. I know I do this. I am really good at sensing danger or hurt in someone so I try to RESCUE them...or just simply help them even if they don't really need it. I've done this so much that if a person rejects my help or shows lack of appreciation, I PERSECUTE them for "not loving me". Then I become a VICTIM of "their ways". But, this is just not working for me anymore...it has gotten me nowhere. I've known for awhile that I do not know my "SELF" very well at all. This happened when I realized that NO ONE is making me happy, simply because it is not their job. Here is what I have done to be better to my self: I spent a wonderful xmas with my close family - I just wanted to rekindle where I came from. I plan to keep them close regardless of any dysfunction (I have no control over their issues). I visited my father and I resolved a lot of my passed hurts with him (such a miracle). I have been working out by myself and just recently got back into violin lessons (played since age 8..its such a passion of mine). Am I on the right track? What else can I do? Is it possible to still have a relationship while I recover from this? I dont feel I need to tell him that I am working on myself. He is happy supportive of whatever I do. I guess wherever this journey takes me is the best possible scenario for who I am. Any responses will be greatly appreciated Link to comment
simply complicated Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 It sounds like your on the right track, working out is definitely a great thing, I myself started to do the same and feel great about it. As for the topic of co-dependency, I always say this, you can't help others, if you can't help yourself, so basically, it's you first, let others deal with their issues cause you have issues of your own to take care of. It's still very sweet of you to put others before you, but you don't wanna get to the point where your missing out on your own life because of other peoples problems. At least you've realized it now, some people don't till it's too late to make certain changes. Oh, and the violin lessons are a great idea, getting back into a childhood passion is a great way to bring positivity to your lifestyle. You should write down other goals you wish to accomplish and work towards achieving them, hopefully it works out for you. Link to comment
waltwhit Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hey, First of all, it seems like yes, you are absolutely on the right track. You have started working out a lot and playing the violin, both of which will give you extreme satisfaction and admiration for yourself as you see yourself getting better both outwardly (working out) and inwardly (the violin). Also, working out releases endorphins, probably the same as when you go out of your way to give of yourself to others, only in this scenario you are releasing endorphins because you are doing something positive for yourself. I guess you could picture yourself as the final project for saving. And once you have completed it, you will no longer need to have any other projects! The best part? Look! you have done all these things while still in the relationship, so it certainly seems like you can improve yourself and decrease your need for codependency while still in a relationship. Of course, the big test will be when you eventually find yourself on your own (which I think, at some point will be beneficial for you). So I say keep going, do something every day to better yourself and decrease your tendency towards codependency. If you do even one thing each day, you will have something to be proud of and something to move you forward each day. And don't get too down on yourself if you miss a day. Also, start really listening to your thoughts. We all have an "inner critic" who has somehow been trained since birth to say stuff like "you can't do that" or, "you are a messy person" or "you are codependent!" If you can listen carefully to what that little voice inside your head is saying, recognize that most of the comments are negative, and then replace them with positive statements (IE not why am I so codependent but how can I become more independent), you will really be on your way to loving yourself. And when you truly love yourself then you are free to truly and freely love others (without getting upset if they don't love you back ) Good luck, and again, I think you are doing everything you need to do in order to live the life you have always wanted! Link to comment
staircase Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Think about yourself as a circle in the middle of other circles. You've been working on the centre, you. You've been working on the closest to the centre, your family. Spend some time working on new interests, as well as old. Develop new friendships, discover what happiness is to you and over time, find out who you are. Let all that be the priority in your life until your circles are vibrant and there are many (sorry if I'm being too abstract, I'm a visual person). Link to comment
elizmdavis Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 It sounds like your on the right track, working out is definitely a great thing, I myself started to do the same and feel great about it. you don't wanna get to the point where your missing out on your own life because of other peoples problems. Thank you very much. I got to this point recently and I realized just how unhappy I have been. I am afraid that if I stay on this track I will only miss out on even more of this life, and hurt myself further. Link to comment
elizmdavis Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you for this insight! I really appreciate how you defined my working out as "outward self" and my violin as "inner self"...Wow! This alone helped support me in my quest. I am working on ME, but I am sort of going at it blindly! I feel GREAT when I work out and playing the violin just melts my heart! I know these things are good for me...but it's even better that I now realize how much they will benefit me! At the beginning of my relationship, I remember that I was my own person and very comfortable in my own skin. Things seemed so much easier then. I guess for me there was a fine line between independency and codependency with my relationships. I know the fine line will get wider and wider until there is a huge separtation...and independency will reign. I am lucky that my SO is very patient and supportive right now, especially if I've been acting in my "codependent ways" for this long. Link to comment
elizmdavis Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 You know what? A real test will be when I get back into my classroom on Monday. I am a first grade teacher. This is my second year doing this. My first year was soooo rough (as it is for many teachers). Thinking about how I have a problem with taking on others problems, or trying to "fix" people...you can only imagine how I felt trying to do it for 24 little people!!! It was AGONY!!!!! Being around the kids and helping them grow is a very rewarding, but trying job I am a little better at it this year (thanks to a lovely program called "love and logic")...but I bet it will get even better once I've learned more about taking care of myself. I wonder though........... I was on this career path during my "co-dependent" days - times when I was all about fixing people and rescuing them. I wonder if I confused teaching with this! If so it would definitley explain why I am not as happy with this job as I once thought I would be (and no it is not the money). There is a heck of a lot more to it than being a positive influence on kids. But it's not easy to be a positive influence when I am not feeling as positive with myself. I wonder what kind of changes, if any, will come about in my career when I am through all of this? I may find something else that really "calls" to me or this job may finally "call" to me. Any thoughts? Link to comment
simply complicated Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I wonder though........... I was on this career path during my "co-dependent" days - times when I was all about fixing people and rescuing them. I wonder if I confused teaching with this! If so it would definitley explain why I am not as happy with this job as I once thought I would be (and no it is not the money). There is a heck of a lot more to it than being a positive influence on kids. But it's not easy to be a positive influence when I am not feeling as positive with myself. I wonder what kind of changes, if any, will come about in my career when I am through all of this? I may find something else that really "calls" to me or this job may finally "call" to me. Any thoughts? This is very possible, but I wouldn't look into it too much, you don't want thoughts like that to detour you from your goals, but even so, if it turns out that this career isn't what you truly wanted to do, then it's ok, it's just another experience, cause at the end of the day, thats all you really have. Just think on a positive note, if you do find out that this isn't what you really wanna do, if you find something else more appealing to you, then it's a whole new beginning for you, which is something everyone needs I think, it's a change, and change is good. Thats assuming you figure out that teaching isn't what you want anymore. And if not, if your goals make you appreciate your job even more, then it's just as well better for you. Link to comment
waltwhit Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I think that in being more comfortable and having this wonderful self-esteem will enable you to help all 24 of those little people effortlessly. When they see that you are proud of who you are and positive about who you are, it will reflect on them like the sun reflects on us. The sun is not trying to bathe us in light, but it just does cause it just is. thereforee, I think you will be simultaneously helping all of your students in the way that suits them most, without putting any effort into actually helping each individual one. I believe this will give you such an immense satisfaction that it will be incredible. You will be able to help all these kids see that they each have something special inside of them because they see that you have found that special something inside of yourself. you will achieve your goal of helping them without losing any of yourself in the process. It will be a true win-win. I know you can do it, and so do you! How exciting! Link to comment
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