Is this normal or should something be different?

[Mischievous1]

Ok. So I need somewhere to get this all out, so where better than an online community of strangers? [Great logic, isn't it?] Well, for the past 6 or so weeks I've been single. Before that I was with my high school sweetheart. Ever since we broke up, I've felt drastically different from who I used to be. I feel as if I'm acting to be myself instead of just being me. I find myself trying to be an image of who I was, that carefree, easygoing, laid-back, sarcastic, romanticist. It may just be the whole identity crisis (I believe) most students have coming out of HS and beginning college. But compounding that issue is that break-up of a 4.5 year relationship.

 

That relationship is hard to reflect on. For the first half of the relationship she treated my like crap. I shouldn't have taken it but I was that nice guy that did everything for everyone and let himself get walked over (for the most part). We broke up several times during that span, only staying apart for about a month or so at most after each breakup. Sometime in late sophomore or junior year we broke up and she ended up dating another guy. They broke up after a few weeks, because me and her still wanted to be together, and we were back together for nearly a year (I believe) after that. I don't remember why we broke up the time after that but then we lasted for a year and a half and broke up 'for good' a few weeks ago. The final break-up was brought on from an incident at her college (2 hours north). She says, she went to a 'friend's' dorm do his english homework which he had needed help with. He kissed her, she says, and she pushed him off and left. She decided to wait 2 days before revealing this to me. We talked about the entire relationship and what we each wanted. We were both reluctant to actually go through with it, but eventually she said "It's over."

 

There were so many issues and so many things that came up that I don't remember them all, nor do I wish to. Basically from the horrible way she acted for half the relationship ruined all my trust that I had in her. Then when we began to reestablish my trust in her, she broke a swear she had made. From then on (a month or so before the 4th anniversary from the very first time) there was no way that I could safely trust her with anything. I wouldn't rely on her to guard my secrets, nor hold my heart, nor really know my family. It was some time after that that I began to realize that there could not be a stable future with her. But we stayed together for months until a few weeks ago.

 

To add to that SHE came up with the great idea one day that I might've been better off staying with my first g/f from 7th grade. [i ended that relationship with no real reason as to why.] A few days after that I got in touch with her. We became pretty good friends to my surprise. But in the back of my mind I had that idea that she may be better for me than my g/f was. It did not help that my ex was suggesting that she had been thinking of us and that she would be with me if she and I were single. We found out that most of our relationship issues mirrored themselves with the other. Two or so weeks ago she stopped talking to me, and a few days ago she erased me from myspace (which could've just been her b/f). So, I've been wondering where that went and whether or not I should call her.

 

To add to THAT, I may be liking my best friend. She's always been there to listen to what I had to say, as I am to her. But for the past few months I've been starting to imagine a relationship with her. She's such a great person with a great personality and definitely good-looking.

 

To add just a little more, I met this girl (a week or two before the break up) who undoubtedly has to be the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. I talked to her for a while and exchanged messages via e-mail for a few days before I decided it would be best to let that go. She has a b/f who she's in love with and I don't want to mess with someone else's relationship. [i feel this way about my ex as well. {Interfering in a relationship}]

 

I don't have great deal of support from friends, because I have very few. I devoted most of my time to working on the relationship than maintaining friendships. One of my best (male) friend is attending college 2 hours north. And the clique I used to be in has pretty much disbanded and everyone has gone their separate ways.

 

Like I said at the beginning, all this has basically overloaded my mind and I've shut down. I've gained about 5-10 lbs since the breakup [to be fair, it's also the holidays]. I've lost interest in most things that once used to bring me great joy. Any surge of energy I experience is basically me feeding off some other energy. [My football team is in the playoffs and I can barely enjoy it.] I feel like a person who is just taking up space right now. My self-esteem is very low. That charismatic spark I had is nonexistent. Every day seems like a punishment instead of a privilege.

 

Any advice, similar experiences, anything for that matter, would be great to hear.

[cruzer]

Im not sure exactly what ur seeking advice for. From the way i read it, she isnt good enough for u, but im guessing u dont want to give up on her for some odd reason?

 

i think this sums it up best as far as your most recent ex.

 

"I wouldn't rely on her to guard my secrets, nor hold my heart, nor really know my family. It was some time after that that I began to realize that there could not be a stable future with her."

 

As far as the other girls, i would suggest taking them on 1 at a time, getting to know them, trying a relationship out with them, etc.

 

if im completely off, try and explain again what ur wanting

[Yackstovic]

Holy crap, That was alot for you to type and I'd credit you for that - That proves you're serious about things. However as cruzer said you didn't really tell us the main problem, it's difficult for us to understand.

 

The power of the mind is amazing. You must think of the positive points, some people have been in relationships for decades and are having greater trouble.

 

Do what you feel comfortable with. Just don't be too negative. Go with the flow.

 

Just my 2 cents

[franfran]

Use your time away from this person to rebuild relationships you lost touch with before, and to make new. You said yourself she treated you badly and you didn't trust her, so remember that when you are down. Of course it's normal to be sad over someone who was in your life for so long, but not only will you both change very much over the course of the next few years, but you will also meet an array of new people. Use this as a learning experience! Meanwhile, do things to keep your body and mind going... obviously you already play football so why not do more active things as well, maybe you'll lose the 5-10 pounds you didn't want to gain. Once you are able to take control of the situation you will feel better, I promise.

[Mischievous1]

Yea, sorry about that. I didn't fully point out that what I want help/advice with is this weird feeling I have of myself. The loss of identity thing. [Franfran touched on a little.] The past few days have been the worst. I stay up until around 2 or so because I feel restless and anxious. She took the break up hard initially and I didn't. Now, it seems as if she's doing better while I'm getting worse. As far as still wanting her, I don't think I do. Because of what cruzer and franfran pointed out. I hope that this feeling is only a temporary stage and not something serious (which I doubt it is). It's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[cruzer]

Well even though she treated u bad, she was still in your life for so long its natural to feel the way u feel, and to think the way ur thinking.

 

Just keep in mind how she treated you every time u think about her and continue going about ur life, ur schooling, career, etc.

 

Good luck we are here for ya