Internet Pictures...

[BarbieDoll]

I've been living with my boyfriend for over a year now. Everything's been going wonderful. We are very close friends and talk about our problems very rationally. We've, in fact, have never had a fight in our relationship so far. The main reason being, is that my boyfriend is so easy going and absolutely refuses to argue about anything. He'd rather agree with me, than have a confrontation or talk about it until we reach an agreement. He is always showering me with affection and helps around the house all the time. He refuses to let me do the dishes and even has supper ready for me when I get home most times. We make love almost every day that he is home and he tells me he loves me over 5 times a day.

 

So, this is where I feel like the jerk. Lately, I've been feeling extremely insecure. See, my boyfriend is a musician and he travels quite extensively; so needless to say, we have sort of a long distance relationship at times. I work full-time and when he is home, it's usually during the week, when I'm at work. Recently, we've talked about his extra-curricular activities while I'm at work and he admitted to visiting several erotic sites, saying he regularly checks for 'updates'. He says that it's purely recreational. Sometimes he'll masturbate, but most times it's like watching sports to him. I understand it's harmless fun and he's doing it out of boredom, but still can't help feel self-conscious about it.

 

The thing is, I've visited these erotic sites, and it's nothing more than beautiful women in lingerie...extremely tasteful and not at all degrading. We've talked about it a total of 3 times and he has now decided that I am too bothered by it, and that he will stop going on them, because it's no big deal to him. I feel horrible by this. I don't want to be the girlfriend that prevents him from doing things. I want to be able to enjoy it with him. I've always been open to erotica myself, but feel more comfortable sharing that with him, to enhance our relationship. Sometimes I feel that if he's engaging in this behaviour behind my back, that it's somehow causing some downfall in our sex life. The main reason being, is that I am an extremely sexual person, almost to the point that I feel embarrassed that I want it so much.

 

He's made little jokes to me, saying, 'oh, my little nympho'...but it's not the case, I just love making love to my boyfriend. Plain and simple. At times, I feel like he's less than eager to make love to me and I wonder if his erotic visual stimulation is to blame. I've even been turned down a few times, because he was tired. I, on the other hand, have never turned him down.

 

I can't understand why I feel so insecure...I'm very attractive. I'm 5'9" and I weigh 132 pounds and have a very pretty face. I work out all the time, so I take care of myself really well and I get hit on a lot by other men. I'm extremely intelligent and funny and am a very likeable person. I know all these things. I just can't get past this.

 

I also grew up in a very hostile environment. My parents were abusive to each other and constantly fought, eventually divorcing after almost 20 years of marriage. During the divorce proceedings, I learned about the many years of infidelity that took place in their marriage. It's been over 5 years since they separated and they are still at each other's throats and still trying to drag me into the situation. My only solution is to avoid speaking to them as much as possible.

 

My last relationship was with an alcoholic. I was with him for 6 years. That too, was extremely abusive and he didn't take it well when I left. My self-esteem was so low at many points in the relationship, that no one knew I had the strength to leave it. I did, and I got help. I talked to therapists and worked through it and I've only just come to terms with the abuse a few months ago.

 

So, needless to say...I am feeling extremely lucky to have this man in my life. I just want to be the best girlfriend or wife possible (we are planning on marrying in the summer). I want to know what I need to do to get through this and realize that he's not going to hurt me like everyone else in my life has. Because, I think that's what I fear most...being hurt and being betrayed.

 

I need some advice on how to deal.

[AzurePhoenix]

Well articulated post.

 

We all love differently. By this I mean that there are several "Flavors" of how we all love, and we mix and match these flavors differently in defining what is important to each of us.

 

Storge-love which has grown out of friendship.

Pragma-love founded on predetermined roles and needs.

Agape-love focused totally on the others needs.

Mania-obsessive, possessive, jealous love.

Ludus-game playing love, focused on excitement and roles.

Eros-love based upon physical ideals and romance.

 

Each of us has different "configurations" of how we love.. from what you have shared here, it appears that Eros is very important in how you need to be loved and how you recirpocate that love.

 

When your boyfriend is away and he indulges in these internet sites I can understand how this would very much bother you. It plays against the very basis of how you "love". These "other women" are filling the role with your Bf that is most important to you and your concept of what love is.

 

So thus far, I think how you feel is validated. A relationship is coming together of two people to meet each others needs. A large part of those needs revolve around making comprimises so that each partner will feel secure in the relationship. This activity is undermining your security in the relationship.

 

Your history suggests that you will naturally be attracted to men that cannot provide to you a healthy relationship. With this in mind what you describe about your boy friend is wonderful, yet I would ask you this: What are your boy friends needs? Can he articulate to you what he wants? Has he consistantly communicated to you something that he wants to do and then dropped it or folded when it conflicts with what you want?

 

~AzurePhoenix

 

 

 

Best,

 

~AzurePhoenix

[BarbieDoll]

Thank you AzurePhoenix...

 

Allow me to further articulate my feelings about these erotic sites. I absolutely do not have a problem with him looking at other women when he is on the road. It's tough to be without sex for long periods of time and I understand it as a helpful aid. It is in these times, that I'm grateful for erotica. I've even taken the liberty of taking erotic pictures of myself for his own pleasure. It is the times that he's home, while I'm at work that troubles me. I was really upset last weekend, because I went to the gym for 2 hours and discovered that he was on those sites during that time...it's not big deal in general, but I had just given him oral sex right before I left.

 

We are always doing new things to keep our sex life going. I'm a very open person. We've partaken in all kinds of positions, videotaped our lovemaking and watched erotic films together.

 

The thing that makes me feel uneasy is that he's always seemed to have less of a sex drive than I. He claims to have no sexual fetishes and seems perfectly happy with plain old vanilla sex. I, on the other hand am always trying to encourage him to open up.

 

Also, he constantly goes on to me about how cute I am, but says that he has a hard time seeing me as sexy. I've talked to my therapist about this and she seems to think that he has this ideal of what his wife is going to be. She feels that he puts me on this pedestal and has a hard time separating the two. I want to feel sexy to him. But he says, sexy in his eyes, is trashy. So, I guess that's why I feel threatened by the women on those erotic sites. I could never compete with them, because I will never be sexy in his eyes.

 

I do feel like we can come to a compromise...I guess I'm just searching for some answers myself.

 

To answer your questions...how is my boyfriend wonderful? He's wonderful in so many ways. He's there to listen to me when I'm sad, and he would do anything to make me happy. I feel like he can articulate what he wants, but I think he's scared, because this is his first significant relationship. He is 27 and he's had 3 other girlfriends in total...all of which ended after 6 months. Above all of this, he's had a past filled with many one-night stands and short relationships...enough to fill a book. He tells me that this is the first time he has ever been with someone where he feels like home and that he feels complete and will do anything to make me feel the same. My therapist believes that he just didn't waste much time in the past (pursuing a relationship), because he didn't find the right person.

 

He has communicated at times about things that he would want to do, and I've been nothing but willing to try them.

 

So, that's all for now.

[AzurePhoenix]

Let me paraphrase so I understand how you feel.

 

You feel threatened by these women on these sites, not because he is looking at them, but that your boyfriend has stated that you are not sexy in his eyes, but these "Trashy" women are. This translates to feelings of insecurity in your relationship because you feel that you cannot meet his needs.

 

Is this right?

[alwaysafraid]

When I was younger and dating I found out that my ex looked at porn. I was so hurt because to me it meant that I didn't really do much for him and these were the kind of people that he was looking for. Over the years and various experience I learned that I was wrong. I spent a lot of being jealous over something that I could not control. He was not looking at them because he wanted me to be them. He was very happy with the way that I looked, but also from coming from bad relationships I don't see that I look good, the little self-esteem I have doesn't come from the way that I look. He did not want me to be those women or need me to look like them. My last boyfriend then dumped me for a hooters girl further confirming that I am not good enough(translation attractive enough for anyone to love me). For some reason all we can focus on are looks. It took me along time to get over how I need to be like her to find someone. The thing is I don't want to be like her, she works at hooters(no offense), but at 25 through hard work I am a Research Coordinator for hepatology and I have a pretty decent body, ironically pretty big hooters myself. I have accomplished so much in my life to get where I am and to compare myself to a woman and always come up lacking, is wrong. And you shouldn't feel that you aren't good enough because you don't look like those women, looks are what people see not who we are and you yourself have said that you are attractive, on top of that its everything else that your boyfriend loves about you. I have my own issues for spending a lot of time on the internet, a good deal of it is spent in sex chat rooms, looking at porn, or exchanging pictures of me and others. I could go into the psychology of due to past relationships I am afraid to meet real people now, but I have rambled on more than enough. I started a few months ago and now when I do its mainly to kill time or out of boredom. Believe me your boyfriend wouldn't choose the women on their over you. . Viewing the pictures on the internet is an idle time filler, if he started to make plans to meet people, which he doesn't sound like he's doing then its different. And more importantly you have no reason to jealous of them or worry about not being like them, though they are attractive (believe me there are plenty of unattractive naked people on the internet) you are who we loves, being with you mind body and soul is what ultimately turns him on. I am sorry that this is so long and I hope it makes sense, but I am speaking as someone who porn has made feel bad about themselves(i.e. not good enough) and also as someone who spends a good deal of her time looking at porn now, our perspectives change I guess. I think that the fact he is willing to not look at it because it makes you uncomfortable is a sign of how he feels for you. Though its extremely hard to believe not everyone will hurt you by waiting for him to hurt you, when clearly that is the last thing he wants to do, will cause exactly that to happen. You can only say to someone you can't possibly love me or find me attractive so much before they look at you and say you're right. Be happy(again extremely difficult)with who you are physically as well as everything about you. When you can start believing all the good things that everyone around you feels about you then it shows and changes how you see everything. Best of luck with everything.

[Boromir]

I am sorry, but I have to step in here and defend porn a little bit. There really isn't wrong with looking at naked people having sex. It satisifies curiosity and because we are very sexual creatures, satisifies our imagination and so forth. It can be a healthy thing. Doing too much of anything is a bad thing, so I can see where a guy might be looking at porn too much and neglect his girl can be bad.

 

I meet women that like watching porn and I have meet women who really don't. I have to be honest I am not turned on by a girl who has her own collection, but I am definitely turned off by one that can't sit and watch one for fun. NORMALLY it is a great way of learning new tricks or positions. Wondering what a guy might like over coffee can be nice, but I garrentee seeing it would assure you.

 

Of course, there are limits as I said, do too much of anything and it can be a bad thing, even jerking off to internet porn. Every once and a while it provides and escape, and just cause you just gave him head doesn't necessarily mean he was completely satisfied. Guess what? People who have sex regularly masterbate more than those who aren't. Why? Cause they are used to getting it. People who aren't get used to not having it and don't do it as much. I know it seems weird, like it should be the other way around.

 

EVERY STRAIGHT GUY LIKES LOOKING AT NAKED WOMEN. Don't fall for this, "You are everything I could want" crap. Guys are designed to spread their seed much like Lions and other animals try to do, where women want to find the man with the best qualities. Normally this is how it works at least, God knows there are exceptions. At any rate, I am not saying it is okay for men to cheat, and I am sure many don't want to, but I have a hard time believing that a guy can be married for 40 years and never have the desire to have sex with another women REGARDLESS what is wife is doing for him. Acting out on those urges, is another thing. Love and sexual desire are two completely different things.

[BarbieDoll]

Let me paraphrase so I understand how you feel.

 

You feel threatened by these women on these sites, not because he is looking at them, but that your boyfriend has stated that you are not sexy in his eyes, but these "Trashy" women are. This translates to feelings of insecurity in your relationship because you feel that you cannot meet his needs.

 

Is this right?

 

In some ways, yes. Although, I did ask him once if he EVER thought I was sexy. He said, 'you're different at different times...you're cute when you're laying around the house, hot when you're getting ready to go out, and sexy when I'm looking at you, while we're making love'.

 

Perhaps, I'm scared, because of his shady past, that he's going to get bored and move on. He has in no way indicated that he was bored...just the opposite. He says that he's happy with what we have and would never trade it for anything. This is the first time he's ever been in a relationship where he wasn't thinking in the back of his head that something better will come along, because he has the best person. Perhaps with our talk of marriage is making me a little weird or maybe I feel that things are too good and scared that someday it'll all end.

[alwaysafraid]

In reply to Boromir you said

but I have a hard time believing that a guy can be married for 40 years and never have the desire to have sex with another women REGARDLESS what is wife is doing for him.

 

I don't believe that man are all that different in sexual urges and to assume that in that same period of time a woman has never thought or had the desire to have sex with another man is naive. We can find other people attractive and look at them, but that doesn't mean that the person we are with is less attractive to us or less deserving of our love and devotion. Understanding and accepting the fact that their are other attractive people out there of both sexes is something we all need to do. I know that the guy I am with will find other women attractive as I will find other men attractive. I don't feel that there is an attack on porn here, if so then my previous post though clear as mud does not portray what I had hoped. The issue that I saw is that BarbieDoll feels less attractive when faced with her boyfriend looking at other naked women. And men and women don't normally look at porn because their partner is unattractive to them. If that is why you are looking at porn then do your partner a favor and let them find someone else who is willing to accept them flaws and all.

[BarbieDoll]

I am sorry, but I have to step in here and defend porn a little bit. There really isn't wrong with looking at naked people having sex.

 

I enjoy porn just as much as the next person and feel that it could be a great enhancement in our relationship.

 

Might I add, last night, he said, 'I think that you would have less of a problem with me looking at actual porn, than oggling naked pictures of women.' I'm seriously not a jealous person, I do trust my man with all of my heart. I do understand that he's going to look at other women and I'm fine with that. I just guess I'm feeling like these women, who are just airbrushed images, are taking my place or cutting into my sex life. That's all.

[AzurePhoenix]

 

 

I think that you have hit the nail on the head so to speak. You are a very open minded person and very adventerous, not to mention quite articulate and in touch with what you want and what your partner wants.

 

What I am hearing from you is that you are insecure in your relationship, fearful that it will end. This is quite understandable. It sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship with some small issues regarding stereotypes and bad past experiences. These can be worked through and it sounds like the two of you are working through them.

 

Can I ask you: Do you *want* to be married to him? Are there underlying concerns other than what you have mentioned that are bothering you?

 

I am sure that you know that we are greatly shaped by the actions of our Parents. You have indicated that your parents had a dysfunctional relationship. I can easily draw from this that entering into a marrige will bring up subconscious feelings of dread and insecurities.. and that these may be just under the surface of your awareness. Could this play a part in how you feel?

 

Warmest regards,

 

~AzurePhoenix