Now I'm tempted to see him...

[ladybug726]

We had a lot of trust issues in our relationship. He was controlling and manipulative, and in the end he treated me like a plan C for when things fell through with whatever other girls he was pursuing. We had dated for almost 3 years and were engaged for 2. In the last 6 months of our relationship he moved to the states for a job (which was only going to last 6 months) and in that time he lied a lot, decided he "didn't want to be in a relationship," and I'm fairly certain he was seeing other people but stringing me along (again).

 

So I went NC after we broke up (for 3.5 months). I was so heartbroken... but I started getting over it and patching up what was left of my self esteem. Then he started contacting me on December 15th and right through Christmas. He says he's sorry, he still loves me, misses me, all that stuff. I think he's lonely and I doubt anything has changed. I basically told him to go away and leave me alone. Now I feel like... I don't know, maybe I should see him? Why would he even want to after I told him I don't miss him? Why would I even want to see him after the way he treated me?

 

Someone tell me this is a bad, bad idea.

[Lightbulb]

Start by asking yourself a couple of key questions:

 

1. Are you ready to see him? This is particularly important not only because you have the upper hand right now, but also because you've had a few months to take it all apart and put it back together again as best as it will fit into your head.

 

2. Have you come to any definite conclusions during your time away? What were they?

 

I understand that, while he has admitted nothing as to his extracurricular affairs and there is plausible deniability, what is your gut telling you? Not your broken heart, your ego, your fantansies — * your gut.

 

And, in the meantime, what have you done to work on yourself, in your time apart? You cannot control him; you can only control yourself. Have you done any self-work: physically, mentally, emotionally?

 

It's important that you've both changed for the better, else a renewed relationship won't be viable at all. I think that, if you're ready for it, a simple hour over coffee could be okay (is he back from the states yet?). But you'll need to have an honest conversation with him.

[ladybug726]

I don't know if I'm ready to see him yet or not. I still have a lot of anger and resentment. I don't think he will respect me if I take him back again. That's what I always did in the past. Old faithful who was there for him to fall back on.

 

I have done some work on myself but I doubt I've done enough. I've spent many years being dependent on relationships and I'm trying to learn how to be happy alone. I don't think I'm quite there yet. He doesn't have introspective tendencies so I doubt he's done much changing either. He spent most of the NC time (and the last year of our relationship) in rebound relationships. So, I would be essentially another rebound for him.

 

My gut tells me I'm not ready and that we would be going right back into our old dependent ways. But now I miss him so much (I didn't before he texted!). I hate that he always knows the right things to say.

 

My head is screaming "No!" but my heart seems determined to destroy me.

 

And yes, he is back from the states... has been for 2 months most likely.

[ladybug726]

It was a lot easier to stick with NC knowing that he wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be with me. ](*,)

[Lightbulb]

I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you've answered your own questions: regardless of how much growing you've done and have yet to do, you are not ready. And he, more than likely, has not changed. I know that the heart says something that is not so black-and-white on paper...but also know that the heart is really the ego, and the ego does not have a brain, so you need to use yours. And you need to keep busy for a while. Were there friends that you lost touch with? Reconnect with them. And I'm sure they'll give you even more perspective, or at the very least some distraction.

[ladybug726]

Thank you. Now I know what it feels like to be crawling out of my skin wanting to contact him. I didn't have that problem before... time to start distracting myself...

[crab62]

are you crazy!! run from this guy!! he has clearly shown you who he is... why would you even want to walk back into this type of situation.

 

honestly, you are asking for nothing but further abuse if you go back.

 

run from this guy...

[ladybug726]

are you crazy!! run from this guy!! he has clearly shown you who he is... why would you even want to walk back into this type of situation.

 

honestly, you are asking for nothing but further abuse if you go back.

 

run from this guy...

 

Yes, exactly! Thank you.

[createhappiness]

ladybug,

 

try your best to stay strong. my ex did the same thing to me, telling me how much he's suffered after the break-up and that he missed me so much, blah blah blah, but there has been ZERO effort on his part to try to fix things between us. i think he just wanted me to stroke his ego (and maybe stroke something else of his too, UGH!) and make him feel that i would always be there for him AT HIS CONVENIENCE. people like this are weak and self-centered. not worth your time and emotional energy.

 

believe half of what you see, none of what you hear when it comes to men like this. it's the holidays and there's a good chance he's feeling lonely and depressed he doesn't have someone in his life, so what does he do - he calls you up assuming you'll be there for him no matter what. now's time to turn the tides. show him AND yourself that you are a stronger person and can get through the holidays w/o him and his petty ways. best of luck!