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Same stuff, different day...


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I was trying to handle all of this on my own, but I'm not sure I can do it anymore. Especially with Christmas being so close. Thinking about all those couples whole will be having fun together, snuggling around a fire, all that stereotypical bullsh*t that I love... It's hard knowing that I'll be alone this year.


My boyfriend and I have been rocky since...well, the beginning, three years ago. But I really did love him, despite the fights. And I still do. About a week and a half ago, we had a huge fight and I was convinced that was the end. In fact, I still think that this is the end. I tried to tell myself that this was ok. After the controlling actions, the guilt trips, the harsh words, the irritating things he did, I should be more than ready to be free. But it's so hard to let go of him. I honestly wish I could just forget about those entire three years, but it's not that easy.


Whenever I feel like I'm almost over him, I think about all those sweet moments together and it absolutely breaks my heart. And then I can't push back the tears and the strong feelings I have for him.


To make matters worse, I've been trying to repair our friendship by making small talk over AIM and sending him funny links on Myspace. But when his responses were completely cold and indifferent, that led to an ongoing Myspace messaging argument. All we're doing is blaming one another for not calling, for not caring, for not trying hard enough, and I'm really tired of it. I've told him the same thing so many times and it never seems to sink in. Whereas he can call my a b*tch and that sinks in right away. That seems to be his favorite word for me lately, and I really feel like I shouldn't take it. To know that someone who used to love me can use such a mean, demeaning term is really hard for me to believe.


I guess I'm looking more for validation than advice. I think I know what needs to be done, but I want to know that, even though it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, that it'll be better for me in the long run. We haven't officially broken up, but I've started to think that way. Because if I don't, and I wait until it's official, it really will kill me. If I prepare for it, it won't be as much of a shock. I've done a lot of my crying already, so I'm hoping that's all I'll need to do.

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Sadly, sometimes you don't really experience the validation til you're out of the relationship and experience something better.


I think that is one reason so many people drag on in dissatisfying relationships, until one meets someone else then bang, they're gone. Perhaps they see something in the other new person that is totally lacking in their current partner, and realize, man, look what i've been missing!


So you have to have faith that you need to give up 20% of what you want to get maybe 80% of what you want with someone else. It is hard to be 100% happy because life is hard, but if you realize that the good times are only 20% and the bad times 80% with the current boyfriend, overall it's a pain and a drain rather than providing the good things a relationship needs to provide.


So recognize that you deserve more than crumbs, and to do that, you need to step away from the table and go look for a banquet somewhere else~!

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Ya know, it's kinda funny you say that. Before I met my current S.O., I was dating this horrible guy and I just could not get out of the relationship. If this relationship is 20% good and 80% good, then that relationship was 0.5% good and 99.5% bad. In the entire year we were together, he only once expressed that he cared for me. And that was only near the end of relationship when he finally realized that I wasn't going to take it anymore.


Anyway, the only way I felt I was strong enough to get out of it was to start a relationship with someone new. Someone who I thought was perfect. Of course, I was wrong. But the timing was right. I was able to detach myself from the ex because I was starting something new with the new guy. I hate myself for doing that though. I think they both feel like I used them in order to make things better for myself. That's the only time I've really done something that was best for me. I'm torn as to whether I should do that again. Not like a new, better guy will come along any time soon...but even if he did, I need to know that I'm strong enough to get out of this relationship on my own. I just don't know if I really am.


Most of the time, it really is draining to be with him. If we aren't arguing, we're sitting around doing nothing, and that can be just as stressful as arguing. It's been a long time since we've actually gone on a date... But even if we did do things together, I doubt it'd be any different between us. There may be less stress, but we'd still disagree about everything, he still wouldn't listen to my opinion, and I'd still be stuck. Most of this is just me trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, even though I'm not sure I am.

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Haha, I wish we'd find a different way to deal with our problems, other than fighting, but that's a two way street. I can only control my lane. I generally try to remain rational in an argument without accusing him of anything, because I know that as soon as I do, it'll just turn into a match to see who can yell louder. But there's only so much I can do. As soon as he starts name-calling or accusing me of things, I can't just sit and take it. I've tried talking to him about better ways to handle it, but like I said, he doesn't listen to me. He would never try doing things differently than how he's always done them. I don't know if it's pride or if he just can't tolerate taking any of my suggestions or if he just plain doesn't listen, but I'm tired of being the only one working in this relationship. And I mean that in every sense of the word.


Thank you. I really hope things start going uphill soon. It's awful to be 22 and be so depressed about life, especially at Christmas.


Maybe you two shouldn't have fought. Learn other ways to handle disagreements or this will just happen to you again. I'm sorry you are sad. I've had a few Christmases like this in the past and I know how you feel. for you at Christmas. It will get better, I promise.
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