Confused and seeking advice

[sprtgrl]

I'm new to this, so please bare with me. I'm apologizing in advance if this post gets a little long. But here is my story....I have been in a relationship with someone for nine months. He is in the military, and is stationed a little over an hour away from me. We usually only see each other on the weekends because of our work schedules during the week. Throughout our relationship, the distance has been hard, but we have dealt with it. He recently extended for one year in the military because he does not know what else to do with his life. This is somewhat of a problem for me because I'm a very ambitious person. He is 26 years old, and has no clue what he wants out of life. This has been a subject of many arguments in the past because I would like to have an idea where we stand in the future, but unfortunately, he hasn't been able to tell me. Recently, we went on a weekend trip together, and things seemed fine. He has always been a very affectionate, complimentary person, and that had not changed. About a week ago, on the 4th of February, he called me, and we discussed the plans for the weekend. The day before was our nine month anniversary, and I had told him that I would come down and see him late Friday night. He had to work late, so I was going to wait until he got off to come. Well, he told me that some friends of his wanted to play music with him (he plays the drums) so he told me that maybe it would be better if I came down Saturday. I was disappointed, but I said ok. I then said maybe I wouldn't come down if he wanted to hang out with his friends. He got a little short with me, and then said "Do what you want". I asked him what was wrong, and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think he could continue with the relationship, and that he had been feeling that way for a month. I was surprised because he never told me anything, and he didn't act any different than he usually did. He said he needed time to himself, and space, and that he thought we should end things. He said the distance was really getting to him, and not being able to see me when he wanted. I told him that could've changed, but he decided to extend in the military instead of moving closer to me. Of course, I was upset, and was trying to get answers, but I felt like I was getting nowhere. We communicated through emails the next couple of days, and he was explaining how he felt. He felt that he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, where he would be living, and whether or not he wanted to make the military his career. Through the emails he said that he wanted to talk to me, but not now. He just needed time. He then contacted me that Friday after the breakup, and we talked about things. He sounded very confused, said that he cares for me, but needs to figure things out. Then he asked if he could call me that weekend. I told him that he was the one that wanted to not speak to me, so why would he want to call? He ended up calling me on Sunday, and we talked for a really long time, about everything. He said he missed me, but he was so confused about his future as far as his career, and it was contributing to him being confused about us. I asked him if he was so confused, why do you want to talk to me, but can't be with me? He started to say " I never..." then he stopped. I did not push the issue with him. He is supposed to be visiting his family out of state this weekend, so I told him have fun, drive safe, etc. He then asked "well, can I call you?" I said, you wanted this, the ball is in your court, if you need time, then take it. Sorry for the long story, and that's only the appreviated version, but I guess my question is, if he is so confused and needs space, and I'm not calling him, why isn't he taking it? He is a very indecisive, wishy-washy person, and he cannot figure out what he wants in life. Sometimes I feel like he is not confident in making the right decisions, so he won't make them at all. I have read about the no contact rule, and I have not called or initiated any contact with him, but I'm confused as to why he is with me since he says he needed time to figure out things. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!

[betty boo]

Men are like rubber bands!!! Give him his space and when he calls be cheerful and get on with your life. He needs to miss you and give him the space to miss you. I think he will come back to you no problem. Good Luck..If he dosen't then he wasn't for you. Get on with your life . GO out with your girlfriends and have fun.

[sprtgrl]

Betty Boo, thank you for the advice! I know that I need to give him space, but sometimes it's hard to do when you are used to talking and seeing the person so much. I have gotten some good advice from my friends also. I need to look inside myself, and see what I want, and I know that I want someone who KNOWS that they to be with me, and KNOWS what they want out of life. That is not him right now. Thanks again for the reply

[emma]

The more 'space' you will give him (i.e. no contact initiated by you... and keep it short and just polite when he calls you), the faster he will come back to you, if that's what you want... but it seems that you're not even sure you want him back even though you love him, which I do understand if he is the kind of guy who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. It seems that it is something that really bothers you. You cannot tell him what he wants in life, he has to figure this out by himself, but you cannot wait forever until he finally decides to make clear choices in his life and take responsibility for them.

 

Good luck with that, and don't forget to think about yourself and what is best for you. PM me if you want to talk more about your story and life.

[sprtgrl]

Thanks emma, for the advice. You are right, I don't know if I would even want him back. I do care very deeply for him, but I think about how he is and this is how it would be all the time in the future. He just can't seem to figure out his life, and I'm very different. I know what I want, have a good career, etc. He doesn't have either. I don't know if it is a lack of confidence on his part, but he seems scared to make the wrong decisions, so he doesn't make any at all. I'm just sticking with the no contact, and maybe when he gets his life together, things would be different. Thanks again for all the support, I really need it right now!