So Alone . . . .

[para_siempre]

This is my first post here. I have been lurking on here for a few weeks. I could really use some people to talk to who understand what I am going through. Right now I feel so alone and so helpless and so lost.

This is my story . . .

The beginning of October I found out that by some miraculous miracle I was pregnant. I had an I.U.D. and I was one of the lucky less than one percent who gets pregnant with an I.U.D.

The love of my life (Luis) and I were very excited. A whole lot shocked but still very happy and excited about having a baby together. He and I had been together for over a year and although we had had our share of tough times, things seemed to be looking up.

He lived about 80 miles from where I do and every weekend I would drive down Friday night and stay through Monday morning with him when I would get up at five thirty in the morning and drive home to be at work by eight. We talked so much on the phone every day . . . every break I had at work we were talking and then evenings we would spend a lot of time on the phone discussing our day and what events we might have missed of the other's life when we weren't on the phone. I absolutely adored him and would have done anything for this man!! He made me feel so many things that I hadn't felt in years. With his support, I was able to lose over a hundred pounds in 15 months we were together. I loved every second of every day that I got to spend with him or talk with him. We were making plans to have him move to the town where I live with me.

Unfortunately, the love of my life liked to drink a lot. On the 19th of October I was visiting him like I did every weekend. He had been drinking and when it came to bedtime, I couldn't get him to come to bed. I was tired and knew that if I stayed I would only get a couple of hours sleep because I couldn't fall asleep without him being with me. Plus, with where he was living he had roommates and we mostly stayed in his room when we were there and he had the t.v. going and the light on and no matter how much i tried, I could ot fall asleep. I told him that if he didn't come to bed, I was going to have to drive home that night because it would be better for me to drive that night with me being more awake than driving home at five thirty in the morning with only a few hours sleep. He kept saying he'd come to bed in a little bit . . . but never did. Finally, at about eleven thirty I got up and packed my stuff up to leave and told him I had to drive home because I didn't want to drive home tired in the morning. He was mad at me but I left anyway because I knew I had to work the next day and I didn't want to jeopardize my life or my baby's life by driving tired the next morning. We talked on the way home and although he was mad at me, I kept telling him that I didn't leave cause I was angry. I told him over and over again how much I loved him and to please not be mad.

I made it home safely and went to bed. He called me at one in the morning and left me a message on my cell phone. I didn't answer the call because I needed to try to sleep and I didn't want to argue with him. His message was nice. He told me he loved me. He told me he wasn't happy because he wanted me to sleep in bed with him. He told me I made him feel better cause I was home safely. He said he cared about me and the baby.

The next day I went to work and I had a doctor's appointment that morning. I tried to call Luis after the appointment and he didn't answer. I tried to call him all day that Monday with no answer. I tried to call him all day on Tuesday too. Finally, after work on Tuesday I drove to where he lived to make sure he was all right or to talk to him if he was mad at me and just not answering my calls. When I got there, I found him deceased.

He is from Honduras and his body is still in a funeral home waiting for his family to come up with the money to send him home (which I knew were his wishes if anything ever happened to him). So, there is no funeral here in the states for him.

So, here I am four months pregnant. The love of my life/the baby's dad has passed away. I feel so lonely. So lost. So depressed. I feel so bad for the baby inside me . . . it will never know it's daddy.

Why didn't I stay that night? If I had maybe I could have been able to save him. Any other weekend I wouldn't have left? Why that weekend?

I keep hearing that everything happens for a reason. I can't figure out why this had to happen. Why this turn of events?

I am afraid to get excited about the baby. I am afraid God will take that from me too. And when the baby gets here, what do I tell it as it's growing up? I feel awful for the baby having no daddy.

[raining.stars]

para siempre, I am so sorry you have to go through this tragedy, much love to you.

This is a hard path you have to live through, just take it one step at a time. We don't know why these things happen and perhaps we will never know but the love you have for each other is strong and he will always be with you in spirit even though he isn't there in person.

 

I know the what if's are horrible, but we are not to know when someone is going to die. You were looking out for your baby and yourself on the drive home like you said. And the last message you heard from him was how much you loved eachother. I am praying for you and your baby.

 

keep posting here when you want to let out some emotions, we like to listen and you can PM me anytime too, I don't have the answers, but I can understand what it is like to lose your soulmate to death.

 

love to you. CC

[Dagless]

I keep hearing that everything happens for a reason. I can't figure out why this had to happen. Why this turn of events?

 

Sometimes things don't happen for a reason, they just happen. If we could have found a way of avoiding these things then we would, don't blame yourself for not staying that night because you couldn't have possibly known what was going to happen.

 

My thoughts are with you ((hugs))

[para_siempre]

Thank you both for your responses. It is nice knowing there is support out there from people who REALLY understand what you are going through.

 

I find it so hard to just get up and face each day. I have trouble sleeping at night. I cry so much and just wish I could turn back time and change the events which occurred. I miss him so much and it is just so unfair to finally find the love of your life to have them taken away by death.

 

There was a period of time where I was wishing that I had never met him that way I would never have to go through this feeling of losing him. I don't feel that way every day now. Most of the time I am so thankful for every second of every day that I got to spend with him and that I got to be in his life. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I used to hate that cliche . . . but honestly even through all the pain I am thankful that I got to love him for the time I did.

 

I think the what ifs and the "if I had only done this" is what kills me the most. There's just so many questions left unanswered and I don't understand and probably never will. I so wish I hadn't left that night. I so wish I had just stayed. I so wish I had answered the phone when he called that night after I got home. I had talked to him while I was driving home and I kept telling him I wasn't mad and that wasn't why I left. I kept telling him I loved him and that I just needed to get home to get to sleep. I just wish I had stayed . . . . if I had only stayed.

 

I just found out yesterday that his family has not come up with the $5000 it costs to send him home yet. The funeral home is not sure how much more time they are going to give them. It will be two months on the 20th of this month. If they don't come up with the money, then the funeral home has to look into other options. They said that option would be to dedicate his body to medical science and then he would be cremated and who knows what after that. I asked if I could claim his body if they don't come up with the money and then I could pay to have him cremated and be able to keep him with me. They told me the family (who lives in Honduras and there is a big language barrier since I don't speak Spanish) would have to sign him over to me because I wasn't married to him and not considered family. I have talked to the family through an interpretor a few times in the past month and a half and they absolutely do not want him cremated and I know he didn't want that either (I think it has to do with their Catholic faith). But I would think they would rather have him cremated and kept with someone who loved him than to be donated to medical science and then cremated and then who knows what. I just don't know if I can make it clear to them their options even through a translator because the different dialects in Spanish are so different. And then how am I going to feel if the funeral home does what they consider their "other options?" Where will I tell my child that it's daddy is burried?

 

I think the biggest thing I don't understand is that Luis loved life so much. He enjoyed life so much and was so happy and so thankful to be alive and truly lived his life to the fullest extent. Me, on the other hand, have battled depression my whole life and there were so many times in my life that I had wished I were dead and just didn't have the courage to take the steps to complete that wish. Why would God chose to take the person who loved life instead of the person who struggles everyday with life? I have a lot of reasons to go on living . . . I have my family and my friends. I have a beautiful 10-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. There is no way I would take my own life as I would not want to put my family through that kind of loss . . . It's just that some days it's so hard.

 

I think all I have done since I found Luis deceased is eat. I have gained a lot of weight already and I am less than half way through my pregnancy. My doctor can't put me on any other medications to help with my depression and my anxiety because it's not healthy for the baby (which I wouldn't want to risk the baby's health for anything). I already wish I could go off the antidepressants I am on cause I know it would be healthier for the baby but I also know that I would not be able to cope at all without the medication I am already taking.

 

When will things start getting easier? I think I must have been in shock the first few weeks and now everyday it just seems to get harder and harder.

[raining.stars]

Para siempre, all these questions are tough questions to answer, and to be honest with you will be struggling with them for quite sometime, it will take you a long time to find meaning. We each find our own meaning, I personally have become more spiritual in an attempt to make sense of everything. I read book after book about the after life, about grieving, about the soul and the journey we have here on earth. Now I believe that we all are here for a reason, we have a gift to give to the world, your boyfriend's gift was loving you and loving life.

And now your path is a tough one, you have to love in spite of the most horrible loss of your life and you have to raise a child. It is a tough call, but you can make it, but just one moment at a time, you will have more strength than you ever thought possible even though you feel like you have collapsed. Just living is being strong when such a tragedy has happened.

 

You are going to have lots of bad days Im not going to lie, you will feel like you are making progress through grief and then you will feel like you are right back where you started and want to give up and right at these moments something will tell you to keep going and that is the love you have for him.

 

There is no time line for grief, no set path, so be easy on yourself and be patient, all the love you had for your boyfrind is still there, but the love you can't show him anymore because he is gone, give it to yourself and your baby because that is what he would want and that is what you deserve.

You are still in the very early stage of grieving , it has only been two months so make sure you look after yourself and let all those emotions out, when they want to come out, they have no where else to go. Grieving is very toiling on the body, you will feel so exhausted, mind, body and spirit.

Do you have family close by? it would be good if someone can help you since you are pregnant and grieving, it is a very hard and long journey even when you are not pregnant so I hoping you have a support group that can help you.

 

I know those what if's are horrible, but you did the best you could at the time, we can't read the future, even though we wish we could. None of us are to know what the future holds, we do the best we can with what we have and the knowledge we have at the time, and we are human, we are not perfect, what more can we do? Acceptance takes a long long time, and those what if's are part of the grieving process too, so just take it little by little.

 

Sometimes i think those who love life the most and live life to the fullest die the youngest, maybe their souls know they are only here for a short time? There is a reason you two met. His wonderful attitude and love for life he shared with you, and it is now forever in your heart, you had to experience depression, so you could truly know how wonderful joy was. I know too because I used to have depression and my love changed me so much by loving me and he loved life and he taught me to see the world through his eyes, and loving him has made all the pain I have ever felt worthwhile. ANd that love is powerful and it never leaves.

 

I am sorry to hear about the funeral. Could you have a little tribute to him in your own way without the body? I know it is hard because we are so attached to the body, but his soul is free now and he doesn't need the body anymore, it is like an old suit. This poem has helped me:

 

Don't stand by my grave and weep,

For I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond's glint in the snow,

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

In the soft blush of the morning light

I am the swift bird in flight.

Don't stand by my grave and cry,

I am not there,

I did not die.

 

 

Remember his spirit is always by your side and in your heart, nothing can take that away, not even death.

Just like your name says para siempre, for always.

[KG]

Para Siempre,

I feel for you loss. And your pain and anguish. I too lost the love of my life, and have had the same questions you do. But you will heal from this. Your baby is your Luis' legacy, his final gift to you. You can spend your days together, telling it about how great a man it's father was, and telling the stories that are your memories.

Big ))HUGS(( to you....post here often, OK?

[mellybelly]

Para Siempra,

I am so sorry for your loss! I wish I could give you the biggest hug.

 

KG is right in that your baby is Luis's legacy. That is a wonderful thing. I so wanted to have kids one day with the love of my life, whom I also lost recently.

 

It's such a hard journey losing a love, I feel for you greatly. Please take care of yourself as much as possible, for you and the baby. We are here for you. Keep posting.

 

so much love to you,

melly

[para_siempre]

I really do appreciate everyone's replies. They have really been helping me make it through some really rough days. I think the people on this board are extremely strong people who have shown me that people can survive these horrible awful times . . . not that it's easy . . . but that it is survivable.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. As if the holidays this time of year weren't hard enough to get through. I miss the "I love you's" and the hugs and the kisses and the closeness. It's just not something you can get from just anyone. I think about Luis so much. I miss him so much. I love him so much.

 

I don't know if all these horrible emotions I have been feeling are just grief or grief magnified by the hormones of being pregnant. Either way it's awful. These are feelings no person should have to go through.

 

I had my monthly pregnancy appointment today. I gained 20 pounds in the last month. I tried so hard to lose the weight and wanted to look so good for Luis and make him proud of me and now my inspiration is gone. I am so depressed that I gained the weight but I can't seem to stop putting the food in my mouth. I am an emotional eater. Always have been . . . I am working with my counselor on that. If anyone knows of any good books to help control stress/grief eating, please let me know.

 

I have talked to my counselor about different types of medications that available to just make it so a person doesn't "feel" anymore (which I can't take anyway cause I am pregnant). He keeps telling me that in order to "heal", a person has to go through all these feelings. I don't wanna feel. I am tired of feeling sad. I am tired of feeling lonely. I am tired of feeling deserted. I am tired of missing the I love you's. I am tired of missing his arms around me. I am tired of missing his smile. I am tired of knowing I will never be able to hear his voice again. I am tired of knowing I will never know what could have been. I am tired of this emptyness. I am tired of feeling angry. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of crying. I am tired of seeing a counselor. I am tired of pretending to be strong. I am tired of questioning everything. I am tired of having trouble sleeping. I am tired of not wanting to wake up in the morning. I am tired of the holidays. I am tired of my job. I am tired of everything.

[para_siempre]

I am having a little better day today.

 

Saturday will be two months since Luis passed away. I am going to try and keep myself busy so that I don't fall apart.

[raining.stars]

Thinking of you Para, Happy Birthday! I know it wasnt a very happy Birthday but hoping you had even just a little joy in the day.

 

Para, I am tired of all those things too Much love to you and I promise it will get better in time, right now there are so many extremes in emotion, because they are all new you have never felt them before, in time the emotions dont feel so overwhelming because you know what to expect. The anger, emptiness and crying will become less. One day you will have a good day and you will be shocked that you felt happy again and eventually there will be less bad days. Then you will have shocking days and you will feel like you took 5 steps back again, That is all in the process. Right now every time you think of him you cry, but eventually(I promise you!) there will be more times when you think about him and smile and you feel that same joy in your heart and soul when he was here, rather than thinking of him and crying. But the only way is if you work through those feelings of grief. Thats why the councellors call it "grief work" because it is damn hard and it is a full-time job! Have you tried starting a grief journal? It is more harm keeping it in than letting it out. Scream, cry, hit a pillow, let it out, I know the sorrow seems bottomless, it still seems bottomless to me sometimes, but it isn't. On that note, also don;t rush the emotions either, take them as they come, they are so draining that you need a break from them too, a break is hard I know because the loss is always there, and you feel like you are thinking about your love and the loss every second of the day. But try and take time to relax and look after your self.

 

YOur councellor is right it is the only way to heal one day. Healing isn't a destination it is a very slow long process of understanding and acceptance, they may take years or a life time. Acceptance of your loss, acceptance of what will never be, acceptance of always missing your love, acceptance of the unknown and unanswered questions, acceptance you will never be as you were and neither will life, acceptance that one day active grieving will end and you will reenter life again, acceptance that you will always feel sadness (but also joy too), acceptance that letting go doesnt mean letting go of the love you have for each other. Every feeling you release, it is a little pain flying away too. The feelings are draining and horrible but it is the only way.

Love to you para siempre!

[raining.stars]

I am having a little better day today.

 

Saturday will be two months since Luis passed away. I am going to try and keep myself busy so that I don't fall apart.

 

 

Love to you Para, thinking of you