Week 4 of no contact

[rich_1517]

ok for those of you who have been following please bear with the first part, or skip to the second

 

Background: 3 year relationship. my business failed. she has some issues with intimacy, which i am wlling to accept now. i became depressed and pushy about it and the failure of my business. we always had a good time together, have a level of love and trust, fun, friendship that is hard to find. I knew i was deeply in love, she never felt so loved (her words). bt in the fall she invited for the second time to move in. I declined and was souring on the relationship, i didnt know i was afraid to commit.

 

she broke it off after one of my "discussions" I had just returned from putting my father into an institution (hes been my best friend) for dementia and was very sad. I had asked for attention, she was half baked about it. I got angry, no yelling just i cant do this i need you right now (im not normally real needy, i tend to push away when hurt).

 

So after the break up i realized i had been uncommital and ungrateful. Went to her said i would be willing to move in, had been ungrateful and not being real about finances. she said she needed two months to make up her mind (this is now the half way mark)

 

So i do no contact, and it works, she calls, and she calls and then walks all over the boundaries, touching me, etc. no xxx. but then says she is still deciding (wheter to be friends or more), dont get your hopes up, we have to be friends right now. So i set a boundary of one week to keep getting my life in order and to give her the space she needs.

 

This really hard, this two month thing. Its not real, its saying I am here when and if you want me. How is she and i for that matter going to process anything effectively if its this grey? it seems to remove the loss for her and make it absolutely bananas for me.

 

so i am going to treat it as over for this week and greive. i dont want to i want it to be different i want her back and to have the opportunity. If/When she contacts me next week i am not sure how to proceed. On one hand i can be charming but removed, but lets be honest i will still be hurting. So do i let her run her two month thing and be "unavailable" or do i let her set the pace for her comfort zone knowing there is a very good chance she will say its over for good.

 

I want to send her the message "hey lets treat this as over so EVERYONE can feel the hurt" but she is not the emotional type and may never address her feelings. so while i am beginning to heal i am still emotionally bargaining. ideas?

[drea_devine]

I think that you should let her finish out the 2 months. She's just protecting her feelings. Continue with the no contact rule and I'm sure that she'll be back in your arms.

 

Good luck.....I really hope it works out for you.

[Soul_Seeker]

This two month break is very unfair on you. It's a break with no certain ending and quite possibly no certain duration.

 

I think you should tell her that it's best to treat the break as definite. However she reacts must not perturb you - you need to this for your own sake. If she does seem uncaring and aloof, then she's clearly not ready to have a relationship with you again. If she tries to convince you that this is not a permanent break and she just needs time apart, then let her know that's exactly what you're giving her. But at the same time, you need to protect your feelings by making the break permanent.

 

If she loves you, she'll come back. And in healing and trying to move on, you'll be in a better position to decide for yourself whether or not you want the relationship.

 

It hurts far more to sit and wait than to just experience the pain and move on.

 

Best wishes,

Soul Seeker