JamesZero Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 OK here goes.... Me and mygirl friend were going out for 2 years, its the first serious relationship I have ever had (im 20 years old) Anyway towards the end i admit i started neglecting her, and she split up with me, I now realise how much i love her, and since she split up with me, I HAVE actually change to become to the person she wants me to be... Anyway I have tried and tired to get her back, even showing her i have changed didnt help! She said she wants to just be friends. Now when she first split up with me I emailed her and phoned her all the time, begging her to give me another chance. but she told me she is now seeing some one else... But i think its just a rebound thing, and i know its nothing serious because she told me she dont want another relationship at the moment... What i want to know is... Do i just give up and try to move on, or do you think that the "No Contact" rule would work now? I asked her to phone me once she finished work 2day... she didnt phone and i decided not to phone or text her, then about half 11 at nite she phoned me... I know she does still want to be friends, but i want her back more than anything in the whole world... Please advise! Thanks James Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Hi James, Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about the situation you're in - it's a horrible feeling I know. Now to clarify a few things. It is impossible for your ex to want you as a friend right now....no matter what she says. We all go through a period of mourning after a relationship - whether *we* are the one who ended it, or the one on the receiving end. The reason she says she wants to be friends is because she wants to remain in contact with you....not as a friend, but as some means of security. That doesn't mean she is intentionally using you, it is a natural human reaction. After any significant relationship ends (and yours was 2 years long), there is a gap in each life that is difficult to fill...although at times, we try - which can explain your ex's new BF. You may find that your ex contacts you quite regularly at the moment....but *if* she becomes more comfortable in her current relationship, that contact will dwindle and you will be left scratching your head. You concluded your post by stating that you want her back more than anything in the world and you are no doubt wondering how to go about it. The irony is that the answer is actually in your own post. To give yourself the best chance of getting her back: Give up, move on and maintain 'no contact'. All of these actions are actually related. Firstly - No contact is *essential*! Giving up and moving on? They are obviously the best and most healthy option for you in regards to healing...but remarkably, they are also the 2 things that will make you most attractive to your ex. If you don't feel like giving up just yet, and don't feel like moving on....you at least have to give your ex the impression that that is what you are doing. Remarkably (again)...no contact is the 'tool' that you use to demonstrate this to her...and if she contacts you - continue to give her the impression that you are moving on. It sounds easy, but it has to be done just right. Saying things to get a reaction (ie "I've got 6 girls after me....I dunno what to do") is just too obvious and she'll see straight through it. Being subtle....being vague about what you did with your weekend etc. is the best way to handle it. Good luck James - keep us posted, and stay strong Link to comment
JamesZero Posted February 10, 2004 Author Share Posted February 10, 2004 Thanks for the reply, I know I have got to do the "no contact" thing, but its so hard! About the friends thing, i do see your point, but there is something that needs to be added... For about a year before we started seeing each other, we were best mates, we got on really well as friends... and thats what she has said she wants now, us to be like that again... I would rather be her friend than not see her at all... but its very hard! Link to comment
Hunney Pooh Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Dear James, At this moment since the both of you have the intention to keep in touch with each other as friends, why not? If I suggest that you give up, it will definitely be hard for you right? I believe if you love someone, it's worth waiting for him or her. If you happen to meet someone that you love while you are waiting, just go ahead and give it a try. Even though I've mentioned beforehand that it's worth waiting but you have to know that you'll only end up in disappointment if you don't receive any respond from her in the long-term or worst still, she goes out with another guy. Since she is not ready for another relationship at the moment, you can take time to think thoroughly whether you really love her that much and at the same time think whether you can actually change as you used to neglect her. To be fair to her, give her some time to consider about getting back to you. Generally, most girls want attention from their partners. Some will eventually leave the partner if they think they are not important to him. This can often provide opportunity for the third party to interrupt. I hope the above can provide you with some idea. It's actually up to you to decide. All the best to you!!! Link to comment
JamesZero Posted February 10, 2004 Author Share Posted February 10, 2004 again thanks for the advice, i did neglect her towards the end, and I now know that i want all the same things as her from the relationship! but she wont believe me about it! You said think about weather you love her that much... strange as this may sound, after braking up with me, i love her more now than ever! It hurts so much! Link to comment
spiderman_56 Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 well ... i am (was ?!?) in the same situation ... i personnally can't stand the let's be friends , I feel like it's a consolation prize for the loosers and i rather get out than not gettin the love that i deserve... 8) ur best bet is no contact and movin on that's the only thing that can help u feel better about urself and givin u a good chance of gettin back ur ex ... it may or may not work but in the end if u follow no contact and movin on early it would feel a thousand times less painful ... Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 James, I agree with spiderman with regards to the 'consolation prize' situation. Maintaining no contact restores self-pride and gives you the feeling of having more control over the situation. Don't be anyone's doormat....and now is the time that you have to do what's best for YOU, not for her. When you start putting yourself first and not pandering to her wants, her behaviour toward you will change...watch and see. And as I said before, no contact helps you to move on *as well* as making you more attractive to your ex. Thanks for clarifying the point in relation to you being friends before going out. That definitely leaves you in a reasonable position to resume a friendship somewhere down the line. The main obstacle to this at the moment however, is that there are some strong feelings involved (from both sides) and it's not clear to define exactly what constitutes 'friendship' and what constitutes 'ex behaviour' (for want of a better term). By all means, be her friend if that's what you genuinely want to do and if you truly think you can handle it....but keep in mind the potential heart-break you leave yourself vulnerable to if she starts seeing someone....and it's not you. Link to comment
majord23 Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 You said think about weather you love her that much... strange as this may sound, after braking up with me, i love her more now than ever! Just a quick note in relation to this statement. I have felt intense feelings for someone after they broke up with me. All the problems we had, all the arguments and screaming matches seemed to disappear to nothing when I lost her....she all of a sudden became "The One" in my mind....even though deep-down I knew that she wasn't. It was a case of me wanting (more than ever...until it hurt) something I couldn't have. I would have (and did) deny it to anyone who challenged me on it though. Now I'm not saying that this is the case in your situation at all...please don't think that. But I'd advise you to have a good hard think about *exactly* why you want her back...is it because she is with someone else? Is it because you're scared of being single? What would be different if you *were* to get back together? Only you can answer those questions...it was just that sentence you posted that made me think "Hmmmm...." Link to comment
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