Opinion: do I have a chance?

[k-rock]

Hey guys, first time poster looking for some advice...

 

long story short - my boyfriend (of one year) and I live together and have said numerous times we're serious about a long term future together. We have been having some trust and lying issues lately so things have been rocky. He lied again this morning and I got so annoyed I decided to end it. We made some 'decisions' about our lease and our living situation and he left to go to work. We agreed I would stay in our apartment right now so he didn't come home after work. I texted him around supper time something stupid and he asked if we could meet at 9:30 and go and get coffee and talk about some things. I agreed. So we ended up doing that but it was a huge mistake.

 

I wasn't ready to talk yet and so I ended up being pretty angry and bitter. It clearly made things worse. He then parted ways. I called him like 20 minutes later and asked him if he would sit with me for a bit. I told him that I had called my friend and she wasn't home and I just really didn't want to be alone while I was feeling like that. So he agreed. We cried a bit and fought some more. We were both very clear that we wanted to break up though because we didn't want to keep rehashing this and hurting eachother. Then he had to go because he had to go pick up his sister. He had mentioned earlier that he was going away (his aunt has a cottage out in the sticks he's going to stay at) for the next few days to take some time alone and think about some stuff.

 

Before he left I told him there was a good chance I was going to make some plans to move back home (I'm from another area that's 2 hours away by plane). We talked about keeping in touch and then maybe connecting in a year (he has plans to move out there for more school). We said I love you. Then he left.

 

I've spent the last 12 hours thinking about things and I'm not ready to break up. I still want to try and work on things so I don't regret it later on in life. I tried to call him like 5 hours ago and his phone was off. I called his parent's house and his mom answered and said that he was still asleep and that she would def. tell him I called. Well it's been 6 hours and he would have already left for the cottage so I can assume he's not going to call me back.

 

In your opinions, is there still hope? what if he spends the next four days in that cottage figuring out all the reasons why we shouldnt be together because he thinks I don't want to be with him. I have no way of getting a hold of him to tell him otherwise. Do you think I have a chance of moving forward after this?

[SapphireNoir10]

You have to think this through

 

Do you want him back because its the best thing for you or because you miss him, your lonely and you cant let go?

 

If your making eachother miserable maybe its time for a fresh start.

[penelope13]

i have learned that whenever i feel " i have to do this and this, otherwise there will be a catastrophy" - that this is a clear sign of anxiety and fear on my part and usually makes it totally impossible for me to think clearly and to figure out what i want rationally or emotionally.

 

it sounds like you are in this state as well, I recommend that you get in touch with some of your friends to help you through the anxiety. I am sure that afterwards it will be easier for you to make any decision. Whatever you will have decided - there will be time then to communicate it to him.

 

THere are no situations in life, relationships and emotions, where it is "now or never".

 

Just try to give yourself some time

[k-rock]

Well, I want him back because I love him. I can honestly see myself with him. I've realized that I was wrong. The things we've been fighting over for the past few months was something that I wasn't really being fair about. He still lied about it, but I put him in a situation where he has no real choice but to lie.

 

He kept looking at internet porn on my computer. I was hurt and offended by it because I felt like I wasn't enough for him. So, he said he would stop. He has magazines and stuff so we agreed he would just do that. I've realized now that I'm being unreasonable. Guys masterbate. Guys look at porn. It doesnt have anything to do with me. It's like being hungry and going to the cupboard and grabbing a piece of bread. You'd take the four course meal at the fancy restaurant anyday over it but if it's all you've got to solve the hunger problem then you do it.

[SapphireNoir10]

See now your putting your own morals, values etc aside because you want him back. Dont compromise what you want out of life and out of a man just to have him back, because when you do your still going to be upset by the same problems.

[k-rock]

See now your putting your own morals, values etc aside because you want him back. Dont compromise what you want out of life and out of a man just to have him back, because when you do your still going to be upset by the same problems.

Am I though? I'm not so sure. Like how can I be okay with playboy but not internet porn. I just feel like I was perhaps being unreasonable. He still has sex with me at every opportunity he has. He just masterbates too and I'm fine with that. I masterbate and I understand that it's a means to an end... it doesnt have anything to do with him.

 

I honestly think I was more upset with the lying. That is definitly something I need to figure out before I could be with him but I feel like I put him in a situation where he was forced to lie....

[heloladies21]

Even if you got back together again, the same issues would still bother you and eventually you would break up again. So there would really be no point to it.

 

It's your life so make it a good one. Go out and find someone who's able to fully give you what you need. Sticking with this guy is preventing you from reaching that goal.

[heloladies21]

I feel like I put him in a situation where he was forced to lie....

And nobody is ever forced to lie, it's a choice he made.

[k-rock]

And nobody is ever forced to lie, it's a choice he made.

Should I break up with someone because they've lied to me... People make mistakes. Wouldn't it be worth-while to try and see if we can work through the lying (because that's what really bothered me) instead of just assuming he can't give me what I need...? I dont want to regret this later on in life. I would rather get hurt again then go through life wondering

[D_Lish]

 

In your opinions, is there still hope? what if he spends the next four days in that cottage figuring out all the reasons why we shouldnt be together because he thinks I don't want to be with him. I have no way of getting a hold of him to tell him otherwise. Do you think I have a chance of moving forward after this?

 

If it was your idea to break up, which it sounds like it was, then you are going to have to go to him and try to put things right, which you have made the move....ie: your phone call to him.

 

He hasn't however, called back...

He could be upset and angry.....may not have cooled off yet.

 

I was in kinda same situation 3 weeks back. Me and the bf had a huge bust up, all my fault of course and it led to us splitting. He told me never to contact him again. Because it was my fault, I tried to make contact again, but I left it for a few days before I did.....wanted to give us both time to cool down and cool off. Of course and when I tried to contact him 5 days later, he totally ignored me....I thought that was it, finished and done.

 

But I decided to reach out one final time and a week after my initial contact. I felt this was something I just had to do because like you, I didn't want to end up living with regret, for at least not trying to put things right again....I had to give it, one final shot. So I tried calling him on the phone and he hung up on me. LOL....He just wasn't giving me chance to explain anything to him at all.....

 

Then I sent him an email.....it was the ONLY way, I was gonna have chance to explain things and to let him know how I felt....

 

3 hours after I sent that email.....he got back in touch. We are back together

 

So no, I wouldn't give up hope just yet. What I would do, is give him a few days alone and then reach out to him. Maybe don't leave it as long as I did....lol, but do it all the same and let him know how you feel, etc, etc.....

 

I know that when me and the SO were apart, I kept thinking to myself 'If he truly loves me and wants to be with me, he will be back' if he doesn't, then he wont come back......and same applies in your situation. If he loves you and you mean anything to him, he will be back to give it another shot....

[heloladies21]

Should I break up with someone because they've lied to me... People make mistakes. Wouldn't it be worth-while to try and see if we can work through the lying (because that's what really bothered me) instead of just assuming he can't give me what I need...? I dont want to regret this later on in life. I would rather get hurt again then go through life wondering

Well I've been studying relationships and especially the way guys think for the last 3 years and have gotten pretty darn good at understanding them (IMO) and I can just tell you from my experience that this guy doesn't have in him what it takes. He's unable to stick up for himself and lies to you and these are things that can't be changed in men. My point of view, it's OK to forgive someone for lying, but it would be ignorant of me to expect different actions in the future.

 

But you are obviously free to believe as you choose and if this is the decision that you've reached, all you can do is wait to get a hold of him and do what you gotta do. So now that this has been settled, we can all wish you the best of luck in geting what you want and the future in general.

[D_Lish]

You know your guy better than anyone here.....If you think he's worth fighting for....then I say fight for him....

[k-rock]

he called. we're taking the next few days to figure some stuff out on a personal level since we both have issues that are obviously affecting us but he called.