A worthless ex-boyfriend

[Ursa]

Hey everybody,

 

I'm reposting my thread here 'cause I'm having one of "those" days...

I'm just sad, been having nightmares about the ex lately, where I find out even more stuff that he did to deceive me... Some days I feel like I''m so ready to move on and I detach the image of him ever living in this apt with me, but today, for some reason he's very much 'here'. Part of me wished that when I came out of the bathroom I'd find him sitting on the couch or cooking like it used to be...it's so weird, I thought I was passed that, maybe it's the nightmares that's bringing these feelings back, I don't know. I'm still so hurt that he could be so deceitful and feel absolutely no guilt. Feels like I meant so little to him after 6 years, and that he moved on in no time! And now the images of him being here with another person are coming back to my head and it really hurts. God! This is hard, he lied, deceived and humilitiated me, all like it was no big deal, like he was doing nothing wrong and I was the one being paranoid. I'm not in touch with him at all and sometimes it feels so weird, but I know it's better this way. I'm confused and lost.

 

This is my thread:

 

Why are breakups so hard? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt like this?

 

I recently ended a 6 year relationship with the person who I once had no doubt was the love of my life. Actually, the break up happened about 3 months but it only hit me a month ago when I moved back to the place we used to share, after he’d moved out. I’m 25, he’s 27, so it pretty much feels like I became an adult with him.

 

It’s so crazy, I have so many thoughts in my mind at once that sometimes it feels like I’m going to explode, I’m sure a lot of you know how that feels like. And even though I was the dumper, he was the one who was pretty fast to move on. It was one of those situations where you find out so much stuff about them, that there’s just no way to stay together afterwards. It’s not like I had a choice, he even said he wouldn’t respect me if I stayed with him after all that I found out. Who is he to talk about respect?

Here’s what happened, read it if you feel like it, I just need to let it out…

 

We’d been together since a very young age and we’ve come a long way together. We’re from different nationalities and we moved to the US together 4 years ago. We both made sacrifices to be together, but it was worth it when you’re that much in love right? Our relationship hadn’t been great for some time, I broke up with him for the first time in 05 when I found out that he was exchanging flirtatious emails and pictures with some girl in the internet. He swears he never met her in person. I was so hurt but he pleaded and begged and I decided to take him back after 5 months, I still loved him so much… But ever since that episode I could never fully trust him again. I often wondered if I was being paranoid but it seemed like after a while, he’d forgotten all the promises he’d made me about “spending the rest of his life trying to make it up to me”, about how he would never lie or hurt me again etc… After all that, he had shown many times signs that he had the hots for my best friend. I of course didn’t know if it was paranoia, if I was reading too much into things or if he indeed fancied her. Just the way he looked at her and treated her was enough to let me know that he wasn’t the one and that of he had a chance, he would * * * * the relationship over again. All that really hurt me for a long time, but I loved him, I turned a blind eye to all the things that hurt me, finding excuses to convince myself that were still right for each other.

 

It lasted 6 years, so obviously we had many great moment together. Anyway, I will try to be concise here, I’ve been asking him to move out since last year, just for “a break”, we both agreed that we needed it. But he never moved. This year, in June, I moved out myself (for the 2nd time, as when we first broke up I was the one who moved). Still, in the meantime, while we were supposed to be on a break, I found out that he had been looking for sex in the internet (not so shocking I know). But the stuff he was up to went way beyond porn. After 6 years with someone who I loved so much, I found that he had posted a picture of his * * * * on adultfriendfinder and was having disgusting conversations with a bunch of random girls there. It hurt so much. I later found he had an email account just to contact those girls, planning to get together for coffee and etc. It really broke me, all of this while he was saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. One day, he came over to the place I was staying to bring me my mail (we were on a break but still “kind of” together) and he leaned forward to kiss me and I had the vivid impression that his lips smelled like he had just gone down on somebody! I couldn’t conceive this idea in my head at the time, so I convinced myself that my nose had fooled me. But then his hair was wet like he had just gotten out of the shower, and this was in the middle of the way (on a weekend). God, it’s really hard to believe! He was already having sex before I broke up with him (he will never admit it though). After all that in the internet (there’s more but I won’t disclose here) I broke up with him in early July. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I just knew I could never trust him again.

 

Well, when I moved back to the apt last month I found a condom on the bedside table and a girl’s top inside my wardobre! Grosse! Then I asked him and he admitted, in the most nonchalant way, that he had indeed had someone over and had sex with her in our bed. Again 6 years! This was the love of my love for Christ’s sake! He knew I would move back in and that I would have to sleep in that bed again. He acted like it was no big deal, since we were broken up and all. I can’t believe how fast he moved on and I can’t believe he could do this to me after everything.

 

I think what hurts the most is how fast he has moved on. Part of me wants to believe that he is hurting just as much as I am, but I know him better than that. I know how selfish he can be and truth is, deep inside I know he is very likely over us and enjoying a brand new relationship. It crushes me. Six years is a long time! I’ve been in love with this * * * * er since I was 13! And I know I am better person, in terms of character and integrity, but it still hurts so much! Even today, I can’t picture being with another person in “our” apt, it would be too weird, even though he didn’t think twice to do it himself. I know I don’t love him anymore, but for some reason I’m still heartbroken.

 

Sometimes I feel good, like I’m moving on and letting go and accepting that he will never be in my life again, but then out of the blue, something makes me start thinking about him, a song, a place, a certain food or any of those things and I just go back to a hellhole, and I don’t know how to get out of. I want to, but sometimes it feels like it consumes and I have no energy or motivation to do anything.

 

I’m writing here today because he had sent me the last phone bill from when our phones were under the same account and I couldn’t help noticing that he had send more than 400 texts in a month. Of course all kinds of thoughts started swarming in my head, is he dating, is he in love? Maybe it’s best I don’t know. How could he move on so fast, it’s crazy. I feel like the ground has been taken from my feet. Ok, this turned out to be too long. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Can anybody explain to me how you can this to someone? How can a person be so deceitful and feel no guilt? How could he do all that and at the same time say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? After all these years, how did I not realize what a bastard he was?

[Sly_Boots]

If it helps, I know how you're feeling. After 3 years, with no real pretense, I found out my ex-fiance was cheating on me. I'm actually having one of "those" days too. Saw some pictures of him and his new girlfriend (who he moved in with less then a month after the breakup) on a friend's site.

 

I get it though, sometimes I'm ready to move on, start anew, fall in love, other times I want nothing to do with the opposite sex, I feel like I'm still completely hung up on him. So although I don't have an answer for you, of how someone can hurt someone they "love" and move on so quickly and Completely..I hope it helps to know you're not alone. Keep hanging in there though, Go out and meet new people, hang out with old friends, and make new memories. That's the one thing helping me through it. Good luck to you!

[Ursa]

Cheers

Good luck to you too