Can three years really end up in the trash???

[zestygirl]

I'm not usually an advice seeker. I just feel...extremely lost. So here I go - to pour out myself to anyone who has the stomach to listen to this nauseating, repetitive crap... (Doesn't it always seem so much more profound when it's happening to you???)

 

Well. I aplogize in advance, as I have a feeling I'm going to be long-winded.....

 

I've been dating Ed for almost three years..he's five years younger than me, but, it's never seemed to matter much. I'm thirty and he's twenty-five.

 

I am a single mom of two kids, and I have had to fight out an existence...ever since I made the decision to have my first child on my own, thereforeeee accepting a much more difficult life than I would've had otherwise. Well, the problem is exactly this. He is getting places in life since I've met him. Saving money, leaving old demons behind....working hard and getting ahead. We don't live together, but he spends several days a week at my place. He doesn't have his own place, but still lives rent-free with Mom & Dad. Anyway, I just seem to keep floundering my way through life-getting back up and fighting my way out of each new difficulty - having a child in the hospital (which cost me a job!) Getting laid off from another. Each time, I've managed to walk that fine edge without falling off. Three Steps forward, Two Steps back as they say. I've been doing it for ten years.

 

He thinks this makes me a failure, that I could be better prepared to prevent these follies, and be further ahead by now. I'm not sure....I guess I could, but, it is really hard to support two kids with NO help from their Dad or anyone else. I have had really good jobs though...working my way up from reception to a professional level.

 

Well, now I find myself in yet another mire...having lost another job...too many absenses (I end up having to stay home with my children a lot when they're too sick to attend day care, yet too young to be home alone). I guess it's my fault in some ways, afterall, they're my kids...nonetheless, he has made me feel really terrible about the whole thing...nothing short of a complete failure. He calls it "trashy".

 

He's basically said he's had it with my crap and doesn't want the hassle of "me and my baggage" (meaning my children, and my lack of a good job right now..although I've accepted a min. wage job to get by...) he says he's sick of my instability and that the instability is MY fault.

 

I have adored this guy for three years. Who has done the sweetest things for me on so many occasions, who really has fulfilled me emotionally, as much as I've fulfilled him, I suppose. He has been so good for me -and to me - in so many ways.

 

But, he seems so annoyed and fed up now - and I'm fed up with his horribly negative attitude toward me. We've decided to take a break and not talk to eachother for a while - to think.

 

I wonder if I'm holding him back from success, perhaps I need to let him go because he can do so much better without me. I feel like I'm making him miserable with my problems, he never chose to have any kids, yet he has to deal with them all the time - a fact which he reminds me of frequently. He says he tries to push me and use "tough love" to help me succeed. He says I shouldn't whine about my lot in life...that since I've accepted three times the responsiblity by having three to look after, I need to expect to work three times as hard as everyone else.

 

He has never supported me financially, though. Of course I've never wanted him to. He doesn't have a car and I pick him up every weekend - a 1 hour drive each way (my kids hate it). He pays for everything when we go out, and gets food most weekends, and watches my kids sometimes. But, I pay for the sitter when we go out and buy all the regular groceries, and of course, gas and long distance phone bills (he doesn't pay phone bills on his end - Mom & Dad pay it). Yet, he says I cost him money. He doesn't see that just between the driving and food alone, I spend the same if not more - and can scarcely afford it, unlike him (Mr. Moneybags).

 

I'm torn between being angry and broken hearted and missing him and hating him. I don't even know if he's right or wrong anymore...it's like I've forgotten how to think for myself, how to figure out what the truth about me is. Am I the failure he says I am? Or am I a success? Truly, I haven't a clue. I used to think I knew who I was.

 

Have I destroyed his life, or has he destroyed mine?

[raggamuffin]

First of all I asume you have had "baggage" or your children since you have been with him. On that note he needs his head checked after three years your "baggage" should almost be his baggage also...But thats a whole different story. He should want ALL of you including your children and your frequent job changing habits regardless of how they occur. As for you destroying his life let him decide if thats what is happening. Dont worry about his "going somewhere" because if thats the pathway he wants hes going to take it regardless of the two of you. Just concentrate on yourself and your children. Prehaps after the break you should suggest that he finds his own way to your house and that if he is going to stay for more than a night he needs to contribute to the grocery bill because simily you cannot afford it. And prehaps suggest that instead of doing things that require a babysitter you do things that you can enjoy doing with your children as a family unit. Thats my opinion sorry if it seems harsh but I think you should look out for yourself and your kids. Try to figure out what it is you want out of life and go for it. Best of luck. R

[passionforliving]

Zestygirl,

Don't sell yourself short of who you are. You should be proud to have stood firm in your conviction to take care of yourself and kids all alone. It must have cost you so much, being so young when at that age, most women are just thinking of the next date. For that, I really salute you.

 

When a man falls in love with you, he knows what to expect of you because you come with your kids. It's the whole package and you didn't trick him into believing otherwise. I feel he is a very irresponsible man who used people to his advantage. When it became apparent that he is not anymore interested to play his role, he blames other but himself. You are not at fault for being who you are. I know its tough to be alone striving so hard with little to show these past 10 years, and I am sure many times you wish things would have been differently. But still you push on because you love your kids and you are a responsible mother and adult. The right man who sees these qualities will make you never doubting what you have done so far.

 

He is not your Prince Charming. He needs to grow up. I have a private message for you.

 

Passionforliving

[The Morrigan]

Ok honey - this guy is 25 and still lives at home, and he's calling you a failure? His "life experience" is seriously short of yours at this point. He may indeed be getting ahead - but I doubt he's sat down and thought through if he'd be anywhere close to where he's at if HE was out paying rent, utilities, groceries, etc and not only focusing on his career. He doesn't have any right to say you're a failure in comparison to him - he's never been close to where you are, so he really has no right to make judgements like that. If anything, it seems he's holding you back - making you question your own value. And that's not a healthy situation.

 

Without getting too personal - why are you not getting any child support? It's something I'd seriously consider depending on the circumstances - because anything you manage to do with even that little help for your children added in can only benefit them in the long run.

 

And kids aren't baggage - after you've got kids, it's a package deal. If he can't accept that, that's a major problem, your kids are part of you, and shouldn't be considered anything other than a unlooked for benefit by a guy who really loves you.

 

If you guys do decide to try again, tell him just saying "work harder" doesn't address the real issues you face as a single parent - if he truly wants to see you get ahead, he needs to come up with some more constructive advice than that. This should be something he puts more brainpower into than push - ask him if he has any REAL ideas of how to get around some of the things that have been problems to you getting ahead, not just assuming you're not trying hard enough.

[zestygirl]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and encouraging words.

 

They echo, really, the answers that have been inside me all along...

 

You all are correct. Ed and I have been talking, and believe me, you may not think advice does much good-but it really does. Your words really rang in my head and made me feel strong.

 

We love eachother a lot, and, we are going to stick together. We both have our faults, I guess. The bottom line though - is, we have to listen to one another. My life situation causes him stress because he loves me. He is rude and nasty because he is stressed. We need to fix this, I need to try to make my life less of a roller coaster for my sake and my kids sake, perhaps for the sake of him and me too - and he needs to appreciate me for all that I am, rather than focusing on the things I need to fix ALL the time.

 

Thank you all again so much for your advice. It really was helpful.