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Feeling depressed and just need to vent...


ShelB64
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I haven't posted for a while. I guess you could say that has been because things have been relatively stable. In fact, they have been fairly blissful actually. My LD bf made good on his promise to come back and things couldn't have been better.

 

We had the most amazing three weeks together. After a year, it was as if we were getting to know each other for the first time. It was our first time together, without my kids, living as a couple 24/7, the highs and lows, and it was mostly highs. It was amazing, and at the end of the three weeks we decided that we were both completely in love, were committed to this relationship, and wanted to make a goal to be together permanently, and soon.

 

He bought a return ticket to SF for the end of November, and even though it has remained unclear as to whether he would try to come on a work visa, a business visa or a visa waiver, the fact is that if he could not stay this next time permanently, he said he still wanted to move here and live with me within the year. He is still afraid of marriage, but in fact he said he was thinking about it more, with me.

 

He left and went back home at the end of August and we went back to our normal, and tumultuous, long distance relationship. Within days, the same old insecurities started coming back for me, and the same communication problems rose their ugly heads. I wouldn't hear from him for days. His "I love you"s sounded less than genuine and forced. It just didn't feel real, once again. Just like the 10 months we had spent apart before. Yet, he kept saying that he's coming in November, and that he is committed to this, and that he is doing this for me, and for us, and that he wants us to be together, and he is willing to give up everything in Germany because he loves me.

 

But he hasn't worked on getting that visa. And then, to make matters worse, when the economic crisis hit, he lost his income source. He has not been eating right, and I know it has been hard on him.

 

Then, today, when I talked to him, he told me that he is going to be spending the weekend with a friend. I asked him, almost half-heartedly, if it was a "female friend", and he answered yes. He said he was going to be able to eat three square meals and spend some time with this friend whom he hasn't seen in a while. A younger female friend. And, of course, I am a few years older than he is.

 

So, at first I was okay with this, as in fact we do have an open relationship while we are in our long distance phase. This goes both ways. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," so to speak. And he was going to get some good meals. Fine. But then, he told me later that in fact he was going to be with her until next Wednesday. And not to try to contact him until then.

 

Suddenly, everything went out the window and I became as jealous as I have ever been. I wanted to know everything about her, but didn't ask. I wondered what she looked like. I wondered what his plans were with her. And then I asked him, "Is she a former girlfriend?" And his answer kind of threw me: "I don't know why girls always ask that. What you should ask is, could she be a future girlfriend! The answer is, you know I'm coming in November and that you're my girlfriend, so you figure it out."

 

I got upset, of course, and just wanted him to give me a clear answer, and then the rest of the conversation was pressured. He ended with a weak, "Love you," but of course I didn't feel it had any heart.

 

We have almost broken up many, many times before, but since he has come back and we have made this commitment to be together, this is the first time I have felt those almost wanting to break up feelings creep up again.

 

I love this man. He is the love of my life. I have never felt this way before about anyone. And when we are together, it is magic, and I definitely, unequivocally know that he is totally in love with me, too. When we are apart, it gets crazy. I try to read my own advice, and it helps some, but it's hard to put a bandaid on an open wound.

 

I do love him and want to be with him. I do not want to break up. And I know he wants to be with me. It's just so hard when he is out of sight. I hate the distance.

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End it. If he wants you make him come and get it and don't give it up (sex/your commitment/love for him) until he's moved into your local vicinity for good. Otherwise your just a long distance FWB. Its tougher doing it in your position but regardless your only chance is to hang in the pocket in a non-jealous confident position and not give in to all your feelings unitl he's jumped thru hte proper hoops.

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End it. If he wants you make him come and get it and don't give it up (sex/your commitment/love for him) until he's moved into your local vicinity for good. Otherwise your just a long distance FWB. Its tougher doing it in your position but regardless your only chance is to hang in the pocket in a non-jealous confident position and not give in to all your feelings unitl he's jumped thru hte proper hoops.

 

I am not going to end it, but you're right. I have put away all pictures/reminders of him, etc., and am going to cease contact entirely until he decides exactly what it is that he wants once and for all and actually makes that commitment. Otherwise, it's just talk. And my heart is just hanging here.

 

I'm glad to get a guy's opinion. It adds a different perspective.

 

He tells me that I'm "the one" for him, but then he's still so scared to commit to me. He has a girlfriend, but needs to spend a week with some female friend from his past. I am giving him love and freedom, but that's still not enough for him. I don't get it.

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Why does he not want you to call him until he leaves this woman's house? =/ If she's just a friend what does it matter if you call him during that time unless he doesn't want her to know he's got you?

 

It isn't just that he doesn't want me to call him - he isn't even taking his cell phone with him! He will virtually be out of contact. He won't be checking his emails, so I'll just have no way to reach him. And, no, I know he won't be contacting me.

 

I know it's strange, but in our relationship, I'm the one who always calls him; it's the arrangement we have. He sometimes emails me, but he has communication issues and this is the best way around them, including no home phone and limited cell phone usage. His cell phone doesn't work outside of his main city area, so there's no sense in taking it with him anyway.

 

It just seems he has such disregard for me when I'm not physically around.

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