My Husband and his child from a previous relationship

[onetine922]

My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years now. We just had a baby in November. We both have children from previous relationships. I had my child adopted because I had no other options, and my husband's who is now 8 y/o is living in another country with her mother. I still keep in contact with the birth parents. He on the other hand still keeps in contact with the mother every so often via e-mail and sometimes phone, but stopped a few years ago because she had married a older Caucasian man to get her and her daughter's papers and she let him know that she didn't need help from him financially or emotionally. The older man threatened my husband never to call again, so my husband din't want to deal with any drama that could incur from his threat esp. involving me. The older man just recently died, so my husband was now worred about his daughter having a good life and make her way to the States. He recently started talking to his daughter about a few days ago and didn't tell me until after the conversation. I asked him why he didn't want me to hear his conversation and he said that he didn't want me to ask him questions(i.e. what did she say or what did you say) while he had her on the phone because I don't understand his dialect. I felt violated as a wife because I was taught that you're supposed to tell your wife everything because you are now one. I told him that I somewhat can understand the words he is saying and I would ask questions after the conversation and he just kind of dismissed what I said. After thirty minutes, I was planning to watch a DVD in our room together, but he said he was going to get something really quick so he stepped out of the room. It had been 5 minutes and he wasn't back from getting whatever he wanted to get, so I check in all the rooms and he is no where to be found. I finally go into the garage and he's in there talking on his cell. I ask him who is talking to and he says his daughter. I get upset because minutes earlier I told him how I felt and that it would be nice for me be there while he is talking to her. I asked him how come he didn't call her in the room and he says that it's because the movie would be too loud and he wouldn't be able to hear clearly. That wasn't a good excuse to me. I could have turned off the movie because it was only a movie and calling other countries with different times zonestakes more precedence. Like I said I got upset and slam the door because I felt so hurt. One: is he hiding something from me and Two: does he not respect me as a wife that my feelings don't matter to him. Don't get me wrong. I'm not jealous. It's just the whole principle of understanding and communication between a husband and wife. Sometimes I feel that my husband doesn't care about my feelings. is it because he's guy and sometimes guys are insensitive to a woman's feelings? please help me..

[Beec]

The first thing to try to figure out is why he really wanted to talk to her without you hearing. I have never thought all things must be exposed in a relationship, so we differ in that regard. But can't he have reasons and feelings for wanting to talk to his daughter alone? Wouldn't his reasons and feelign for wanting to do so be at least as valid as your feelings? Can't you respect that he might have those feelings and reasons? Why are you so worried about wanting to make sure he doesn't talk to her alone? I'm not trying to attack you, just make you see anohter view point. I will bet however that when you did bring it up it was brought up as criticism, which made his defensive and want to keep it away from yuo even more. If you express to him that you trust him and that it is okay for him to talk to his daughter, without you having to ease drop, then he is more likely to open up and tell you what is being said and going on. Changing your approach may help you get what you want, more than being critical.

[raggamuffin]

Maybe this is just something your husband needs to do all by himself until he is comfortable talking to his daugher. You have had him for the last couple of years let him spend some "alone" time with his daughter becasue I am sure they have quite a bit to catch up on. He probably feels very very nervous about this new relationship and wants to deal with it in his own way right now. Just give him some time and when he feels comfortable he will probably open up to you. Try to be calmer and less demanding of him and you are more likely to hear what you want to hear. Just let him take his time. Prehaps his daughter doesnt want you to be there when they talk. There are many reasons why he may be going out to the garage to make calls, be more understanding of his feelings and this very difficult and complicated situtaion.