dilema

[buffalosoldier]

Ok,i have a dilema on my hands and i think i need someone to put me straight before i go ahead with something pretty stupid.

 

For many reasons,i have come to think that maybe the problems i have been having with my boyfriend over the past few weeks or so are because he is cheating on me.Now i dont know this for certain,i have NO solid evidence and i am willing to admit this.But,as far as i am concerned, the signs are there.He might not be cheating on me,but if he isnt, then he must have something or someone on his mind.

 

so,apart from that,heres my dilema. I recently gained access to my boyfriends password for his email account.I have NOT looked into his email.YET.And i really dont know whether to or not.If he really has nothing to hide,then what is there to worry about.i know his privacy is one thing,but hey,he could search through my email any time he wanted and wouldnt find anything to suggest i was doing anything sinister.

 

What do i do?please be honest.

[akatoro]

Hey there, Buffalo.

 

Personally I think that checking his e-mail would be the wrong thing to do, because if he was cheating, how would you explain your find? It's his personal things too, no one would like if someone went through our drawers, heirlooms and whatnot.

Basically it's the same thing. It's his and not yours.

 

I can understand your worries though..

And if it's any comfort, cheaters always get caught sooner or later.

Have you tried mentioning that you feel overlooked? That it feels like he is being distant? If not, then perhaps that'd be a good thing to do.

 

I'd like to hear more about what you've tried and not.

Either way, good luck.

[buffalosoldier]

Hey akatoro,

thanks for the advice.

You said you would like to know more about what i have tried....practically everything i can think of.I have talked to him seriously,made jokes about it,written letters(99% were never sent though)and in the past have snooped on him aswell to try and find out something.Im not gonna say that i am looking for the truth,coz the truth might well be that he is not cheating on me and that i am just being insecure.But either way,you know when something is up with the person you love,dont you? but he just wont tell me anything.any of his thoughts.i asked him if he was happy once and i just got 'yeh why wouldnt i be'.how can i get him to open up?ive tried asking,ive tried not asking (to see if he opens up on his own) and ive tried telling him he can trust me.

 

He doesnt seem all that interested in sex either lately.i dont get it.I am the most trustworthy person you could ever meet

[puny_guy]

Don't go snooping through his private business lady. That's just plain wrong. What if he came into the room while you were searching through his emails? What would you say then?

"Well I thought you might be cheating on me, so I was checking your emails to see if you have a mistress"

While I may have never had a relationship with the opposite sex myself, I do that they're based on trust, where's yours gone?

 

If it's bugging you so much just ask him what's on his mind, instead of going sherlock holmes style.

[neallo82288]

I agree with Akatoro, but with a little more. Here goes, Why have you lost trust in your man? If you feel strongly that your bond of trust has been broken, then you must question yourself as to why you feel this way and if he hasn't then find out why he has been behaving the way he has and is this sort of behavior something you can deal with. The bad thing about humans in general is that they bring past experiences into new relationships. You could be feeling this way because of your past or because he is making you feel this way, but neither of these is good for the relationship. Come straight out and ask him what the problem is and he should give you a straight answer. You have to look at his reaction to being questioned and that will give you your answers.

 

Hope this helped,

Neallo

[puny_guy]

Ok I just read your reply to akatoro. So you've talked to him and he doesn't open up and he's not interested in sex as much anymore. Hmmm sounds suspicious. I think it's time to get serious with him. Tell him it's really bothering you lately. Ask him why he isn't opening up to you anymore(I presume he used to open up to you?). If he still doesn't open up with you after you have serious talk with him, well then maybe it's time to give him his marching orders...

[buffalosoldier]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

Neallo,you are right about something you said in your post.you said that we tend to bring our past experiances into relationships.well the thing is,the last time i majorly snooped,i did find something.I wont go into detail but lets just say it was pretty bad and the relationship ended at one point coz of it.so this has sort of been the thing that has stuck with me and convinced me that when you snoop on someone,you find out the truth.i know that sounds really really bad,but i cant help the way i feel at the moment.i know it sounds really selfish.

 

Punyguy,thanks for your response.i would just like to add though,that i wouldnt have to be in his room to check his email,i could do it anywhere that there is a computer and that is what is so frustrating because at the moment there is not alot holding me back from looking except me typing here.

 

anyone else is welcome to respond,i really need some support.

[neallo82288]

What you have here is a past history of finding something bad on his email. He knows that you have snooped in the past and he will hide that information from you. There is probably nothing in his email, but you have not fully forgiving him for the problems of the past. Trust is a hard thing to regain and once you have lost it it could be gone for ever. If you do not and cannot trust him then the relationship is doomed and you must move on with your life. The keys to a good relationship are trust, communication, and respect. Sounds to me that you have lost trust in him, there is no communication coming from him, and this is all leading to a loss of respect. You are either losing you respect for him or already have. His not opening up to you has definently showed that he is losing his respect for you and your feelings.

 

hope this helped a little more,

Neallo

[avman]

Hello buffalosoldier,

 

Well if you are feeling this compelling need to snoop, your relationship is in serious trouble. I agree with akatoro in that you really need to figure out WHY you've lost trust in him. Thats the core issue.

 

But lets explore the three possibilities that can occur if you snoop:

 

You find nothing

Ok, so now is everything better and you feel fine? My guess is no. That you still will not trust him and thereforeeee keep looking for other evidence that he is cheating. And you will probably feel guilty for snooping because there wasn't anything there. He will likely be indignant and angry because you snooped and he was innocent.

 

You find clear evidence he is cheating

This is the least likely outcome, but still possible. Ok, you've found this so what are you going to do? Will you dump him? Will you confront him with the evidence? Like I mentioned, this is the least likely situation but it is pretty clear cut. So I would imagine that in this case you will end the relationship.

 

You find something questionable, but not clear

This is the most likely situation. You are looking for evidence of a certain kind. You will likely search until you find it. So there may be things in there that can be interpreted many different ways, but because of the mood you are in you will interpret it in the WORST possible way. Lets say a female friend writes him and ends with "Thanks for Saturday night One look at that and you may conclude he is definitely cheating on you. But maybe what really happened is he pushed her car out of the snow or loaned her some money because she was in a bind.

 

And when you find this information, NOW what do you do? Its questionable, so you'll have to go to him to clear it up. Will you believe his explanation? And what is he going to do? He'll probably be really mad that you snooped. And if he's innocent, he may end the relationship because you don't trust him and you've accused him for no reason.

 

Can I suggest that instead of snooping you talk to him about why you are feeling insecure about things. Talk about the signs that you have seen and say how those make you feel. Its fine to talk about being insecure, because thats a common feeling which you can work with in a relationship. But if you are bound and determined to catch him in the act of cheating, your relationship is doomed to fail whether he is really cheating or not.

 

avman

[The Morrigan]

Honey, I agree with avman and the rest here. I've been on the receiving end of the snooping on suspicion when I never had and was doing absolutely nothing, with many of the same problems you're describing. All it did was infuriate me, and lead me to being unable to trust him. When other parts of a relationship get tense, or even outside stuff starts really getting to someone, the sex life tends to go south. I know you said you've tried talking to him already - can you even try writing it down in a calm and non accusing way, just saying "hey, I don't know if something's wrong, but when you're not talking to me I feel shut out, and I get insecure about our relationship?" If he feels like he's on the defensive from the word go, he's not going to talk, because he's going to feel guilty for upsetting you. If it's put more like if there's a problem you'd like to know so you can be there, and if it's to do with your relationship you'd like to know so you can work on things, he might be a little more inclined to open up to you.

[Bri71569]

Take it from me, PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!!! Like others have said before me, if you look you will find SOMETHING questionable, whether it is justifiable or not. There is no feeling like looking for something and finding you worst fears. Your heart is in your throat and you feel sick. Then there is the question of how you want to proceed.

 

Trust me, if there is something there let it come to the surface as it will "naturally", there is no sense or reason to drag yourself through the mud if your partner is doing dirt. Keep your integrity. B.