Want her back but there's a new guy

[Bri71569]

Hi all, this is my first post so bear with me.

 

We dated for 2 years, it was great most of the time. Argued at times. Worked on the same job. I left in June so that we could move forward and get married (better job, more money etc). Went to Florida in June, she never travelled and wanted to go so I took her. Left her on job with a rival that she was only friendly with. In August we started to have major tension. By September we talked less and less and argued more. We both tried to bridge the gap but things were slipping. She said I didn't understand her, didn't listen, etc. I tried hard to be understanding. By november I used her computer and realizied the guy at work had been calling her and she had been sending him romantic e-mails. Discovered she was visiting him (yes I did some investigating) When confronted she said it was to help him out. Our relationship continued to decline, I asked her to marry me on 12/21 but she refused saying why did I ask her if we were having difficulty. I said because i wanted her to know that I was serious as I always have been. I had originally planned to do it in September but couldn't afford it at that time. It was not a preventative measure.

 

She said nothing was going on between her and the guy, she had just confided in him and he was very willing to listen and lend a supportive ear to "our problems" that she shared with him. And she says it was because of me and my jealously that "drove" them closer. Mind you this man had been after her before we even got together.

 

She is interested in being "good friends" and she says she still loves me but doesn't want our relationship anymore because she wants to "be byherself". She calls frequently, sometimes twice in a day but will get upset if i don't have much to say to her at any given time. Her kids love me and are with me frequently ( no I am not using them as leverage, I maintained the same relationship with them as before)

 

I have asked her blantly if she is seeing him and she says no, she is not seeing anyone, she does not want to be in another relationship, needs space etc. Unfortunately the kids inform me that she goes to his house and he calls. I told them not to relay such information anymore because its not appropriate.

 

Here is the kicker, she asked me the day we broke up if it would be OK if she continue to let people on the job think that we are together. I agreed to that (clingy desperation). A few days later when i did say that I might mention to one person I know at work that I may tell him, she because furious and said we agreed not to. She yelled that she would tell everyone "tomorrow" and "bring full closure to everything".

 

We still go out and she still says she loves me and that won't change. She says she can't say whether we will or will not ever get back together, but of all the men she has had relationships with, I am the only one who deserves another chance.

 

She obviously fell for this guy while we had difficulty and I feel betrayed but I love her dearly and would take her back if she could commit 100%. (she has never been like this since I knew her) Its like she has been a totally different person since October/November. Yet when we are together alone it is just like pre September, very good, soothing, and sweet. We are not intimate but will hold hands and hug at times, usually she initiates. She constantly tells me I look nice and someone may come and snatch me up. She did question what if she comes back and I don't love her anymore. She has the ring, I never asked for it back. She does not wear it but supposedly showed it to one of our mutual friends on the job (I don't know if I necessarily believe this because he is on the job with her as well and what would that accomplish?)

 

This is all very confusing. I want her but I don't want to be the second choice in case it fails with this other guy. I need my self respect, in my own eyes, her eyes, and the children's eyes. What do you think I should do? Please, any advice would be appreciated.

 

B.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Wow tough situation man... I know how you feel in a way..with another guy and all. My ex broke up with me in mid August and the last 2 weeks we were going out she met this guy on the net.So after we broke up she started dating him almost immediately and as far as I know they are still together from 5 months ago.

You must do the no contact rule !! Believe me you gotta do it and I know it's hard..It took me about a month to stop contacting her but felt better afterwards..She calls me maybe once a month but I rarely answer as I still deep down love her and do not want to get hurt again.

If you do talk to her then keep it short..under 10 mins and be the one to hang up.Make her miss you and realize what she has done..

Good luck

[The Morrigan]

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Might give you some ideas, and some food for thought before you start.

 

Asking you to pretend to still be in a relationship with her, still going out - this isn't fair to you, and it defeats her "wanting space to think" as well. She's only going to confirm her decision more than likely by finding things wrong, since she's not getting that distance to miss you and the good things you had together.

 

If she really wants a break - give her what she's asking for, and start looking after yourself first. That's what she's doing right now - and you also deserve that same effort put into you.

[Bri71569]

Thank you all for the speedy relpies. I found the 20 rules post hilarious only because I have already broken about 15 of them. I had to laugh at myself and say "Oh thats why pleading has not worked, its all so clear" The ones I did adhear to through commom sense actually work and make small but solid differences.

 

Since there is this other guy in the picture I don't feel I can effectively employ the NO contact rule. Diminished contact definitely, no contact would probably be suicide.

 

What her kids (17 & 19) have told me was that they never talk on the phone more than 5 minutes, but I say thats because they work together. Also he never comes over, she always goes to visit him. He only came over one time to drop off a present for christmas. They say in four months since he has been in the picture they have not seen the relationship "grow". They know how mom acts when she has a new man in her life. She never told the oldest that we (me and her) were not seeing each other anymore. She has never asked them what they think of him or discussed his "presense", something she does as a rule with her children. She did it concerning me and others before me.

 

I feel she is unsure where it is really going, or she feels guilty for the way things went down because everyone knows I was good to them. She has even started to "bad mouth" me in front of them, to which they secretly laugh because they know me so well. They know mom is making things up to try to make me look lessened.

 

I can't understand why she just won't admit she has this person and really move on. It would be much easier for me, in fact I want to hear her say it. (better a honest enemy than a false friend). What can I say or do, complain? Run a guilt trip? We're past that already. She is NOT HARDLY saving my feelings this way.

 

On the other notes I have rejoined my gym (Yay!) and have been doing a LOT of self help reading, and joined this site of course, so I will be not only OK in the long run, I will be better.

 

Thanks, B.

[The Morrigan]

A word of caution on limited contact - be sure any contact is between you and her - since I sincerely doubt you want to be her new best buddy helping her cope with any problems that come up with her current "interest." Don't fall into the trap of being the friend that helps her get over you, she can look elsewhere for that kind of support!

[Bri71569]

Hi all,

I have been keeping limited phone contact. She called me monday morning before work, and Tuesday morning she called me again but asked if I had any gas money to get her to work (she would get paid Wednesday). In my head I was like why didn't you just ask "him" the evening before when you were both at work. I gave her $10 and she was so pleased. She RARELY asks for money so I knew she really needed it.

 

Anyway she made a off handish comment that "You can have anything you want" in return. I laughed it off in a friendly way and did not indulge any provocative conversation. Later she called me and asked if she could hang out for a little, she said she had a token of her appreciation, a scarf and hat, which she knows I need. Anyway, we hung out in the snow storm Tuesday night!!! just talking. She said she thought about me a lot at work that day. i said what about, she said "About how sweet you are." Nice. When we decide to part company she kisses me on my lips, total shock! She then calls me the next day FROM WORK to see "how I am doing". Then she calls me at 8pm last night (same day) and we have a great conversation for 45 minutes. I wonder what she is up to but I do like the fact that she has been muchg nicer and pleasant. What do you all think, i don't want to "snub" her with the no contact rule because she has been so pleasant. Thanks B.