Really sad today.

[jpearl]

Well I'm pretty new to the site, I've been reading posts for the last week or so but haven't really felt to inspired to right until today.

Here is my story:

About a year and a half ago my marriage started falling apart. My ex-husband and I had totally grown apart, and we decided to separate. I immediately fell for a guy that I worked with, he seemed the total opposite of my husband, outgoing, funny, not depressed, actually paid his bills on time, cleanly, not addicted to internet porn, and I was super attracted to him. I started seeing him literally weeks after my seperation (I know probably not long enough after a break up of a marriage. My coworker/new guy had moved down to were I lived about 6 months before my separation, for a girl, and as soon as he got here, he found out that she was cheating on him with her ex. This wasn't the first relationship he had been cheated on in. So needless to say he had some serious walls up](*,) and on top of that we had to keep our relationship secret most of the time because we worked together. Our families and friends new, but we had to stay inside and didn't go out for dates often so we couldn't get caught. His walls and the secretiveness took its toll, plus I wasn't yet divorced and he was always worried I would still go back to my ex. He pushed me away several times, but always pulled me back in within a day or two.

My divorce went through a couple months ago and we both started new jobs. Things finally seemed to be turning around, our relationship was better than ever. The only sour note in our lives was that he doesn't like his new job and that neither of us has a lot of friends here so we've relied heavily on each other for companionship. Out of the blue two sundays ago, he tells me he just isn't in love with me, after a year and a half he should feel it, in other words pushing me away again just as I felt we were finally getting super close. He then goes home to Pittsburgh for Labor Day weekend, and when he comes back he tells me he's thinking of moving home but is still really indecisive, he misses his friends and family but isn't ready to give up on his house and life here. I was devastated needless to say at the thought of losing my boyfriend and best friend. We decided to just both take time to work on ourselves and find out what makes us happy individually, since we knew we relied to much on each other. Plus neither one of us wanted me to be a factor in his decision to move or not, I didn't want him to resent me if he stayed and he was unhappy and he had already made a decision once on where to live based on a girl and it didn't pan out.

We've maintained limited contact, he took me out for my birthday last week, and I told him no matter what happens I hope we can stay friends, right now I just need some space so that I won't be too attached if he moves home and because I want to work on myself and not feel so co-dependant. Any contact I've let be initiated by him.

 

So he comes over for a visit last night and he's all in a panic about am I seeing someone else and will I tell him if I'm seeing someone else. I say no I have no interest right now, I just want to work on myself, and he says he feels the same, but he has lots of girls that are interested but he's just pushing them away. I hardly slept last night, I'm having a hard time making sense of this whole thing, I'm not sure if I can really trust that he is pushing all these girls away, and I don't know why he is sending me so many mixed messages, like why does he care if I see someone else if he isn't in love with me. Does he just want to keep me on a string and control me? I'm just so confused and sad. I am in therapy for the last two weeks, because I'm having so much trouble focusing and sleeping. She said I should take a complete break from him for 6 months, but it is SO hard I just can't seem to make myself do it. I've done everything the websites recommend, go out and socialize, read, journal, new activities, exercise, and I just can't seem to stop thinking about him ALL the freaking time.

 

I tell myself if he loved me he would pull me close, he would never want to let me go even for a little bit, but god it is so hard to let go. I know I deserve better, but it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Anyways, I know this is really long so thanks for reading and letting me share my story.

[mellybelly]

Sending lots of love to you!!

 

I too think you need to distance yourself from him, to gain some clarity...but like you said, I know it's hard!

 

If he is the one for you, it will work out when you are both ready for it! But as you have stated, he is sending so many mixed signals, and that is just not fair to you at all. Take it one day at time and try to stick to your guns about keeping the space between you two, you need it, to figure things out.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Keep posting on here. There are lots of people with wonderful advice or similar experiences to gain from.