One step forward, then back again...

[Onemoreday]

Wow, there were so many threads that seemed so relevant to everything that I wanted to say that I figured it would probably just be easier to start my own little saga.

 

Its been about 3 months since the break-up and everytime I seem to get better, some new little detail falls out that sets me right back again. I was with my bf for 6 years and although we had our share of rough patches I never really thought that there would be anything other than a happy ending. The last couple years have been long distance off and on, which was largely the source of all the rough patches. It seemed like every fight we were having was because we weren't together enough. One of us would become desperate for reassurance from the other and then that would make the other pull back a little more and then the whole thing would be reversed. Sick little pattern.

 

Anyways, I had just started to reevaluate my life and my priorities. Putting him at the top of the list was one of the first things I did. We both have fairly ambitious career plans, but I'm farther along right now than him. I had decided to take a break before entering into a PhD in my field and spend time with him. Fatally, it was almost exactly the same time that he fell off calling me and his emails became pretty general. I reacted in a fairly predictable way, getting hurt and angry. Since we were going to be apart for at least another 2 months, I brought up the dreaded "break-until-we-see-each-other-again" suggestion. A few weeks and three emails later, he agreed "with the decisions I had had ultimately come to" and that it was better for us to not be together at all.

 

This once again caused me to flip out and since then I seem to be waffling between trying to convince him that its a mistake for us to be apart and trying to convince myself that its not.

 

But like I said, everytime I get ahead...

 

I've only seen him twice since the whole fall-out. He won't look at me and converses only vaguely. There were all kinds of other tidbits involving women he's met on the internet (before and after the break up) and what seems to be a complete personality change (not just from my perspective, his entire family thinks that something is really wrong).

 

The latest set-back was finding out that three weeks before the break up he was planning how he wanted to propose and had even started to make arrangements with me about the place and time (without telling me what he was up to). I came a little bit unglued at that information. Now I just don't know what to do.

 

I probably have almost every "break-up advice" article committed to memory, but putting things into action is harder. The no-contact thing lasted for about 2 weeks and then I caved with all kinds of excuses. I think that I'm just desperate for one face-to-face conversation to clear up any misunderstandings and possibly track down that elusive peace of mind crap. Maybe after that I can try the no contact thing again. Feels vaguely akin to cutting off one of my arms...

 

Sigh. Well, there's my novella. I think that it probably sounds more than vaguely familiar to a lot of people here. You're right. But again, we all somehow think that we're the ONLY ones.

 

Any thoughts? Advice is good too. I kind of know what I have to do, I'm just trying to work up the courage to do it. And if you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

[emmyspartan20]

If I could sum up my relationship with my x in one word it would be DISTANCE. We are away more than we are together. I know how you feel. Six years is a long time to commit to one person and I know you spent many a lonely nights waiting for him to call you, or waiting for him to get back from the bar when u were just sitting in your room. Or you thought about him every second you were out with your friends. These are the things I imagine you did, because I did them. There isn't a magical word or phrase that can make us feel better because first and foremost we loved our men. Despite the fights and the lonliness and the distance we loved them and imagined we'd end up with them in a large chapel donning a beautiful white dress. While I can only imagine how six years down the drain feels, I do know that healing takes time. The problem I have is that Brian and I still talk all the time. At least you have the benifit that he feels akward around you. This will make it easier to get over him in your case. My suggestion to you is to go out with your girlfriends and try desperately to foget about him. Just don't grab ahold of some random guy because you want a replacement. Then you'll just feel guilty. Allow yourself plenty of time to heal. Invest in vibrators and girlfriend talks with your best friends. Avoid romantic movies and books, music and TV. Read murder stories and go to action movies. That's what I'm doing and it makes me feel better to forget about everthing for a while. I don't know if I helped any, but I hope that everything works out for you.