Shes with someone else, and keeps initiating contact

[Archivist]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm in a bit of a dilema at the moment and i'd appreciate anyones advice. My ex and i have been sperate for 4 months now, and she started to date a mutual friend of ours 2 motnhs ago before she had the chance to get over our realtionship properly. That really hurt me, but i've come to accept that fact that what is done is done and i tried to be brave and mature about it and i no longer hold a grudge towards both of them. As a result of that my friend tries very hard to relieve himself of his guilt and really makes the effort to be my best friend. Naturally i'm reluctant to respond, but i do, i put the brave face on but i do feel uncomfortable with his advances. Which brings me to my ex, since then shes really tried to involve me in her life as well.

 

I followed the no contact rule, and only broke it once because i heard she was un happy with her new relationship. I realise that was a mistake now but i still care about her. Since then she sent me a text messages on new years which i ignored, she also sent me a text on my birthday on the 5th which i replied because i did not want her to think i was bitter over anything. She calls me occasionally and i answer, last week she asked me to go to check out her new uni because she needs to go there for an induction talk, i told her i'd think about it and she said that she doesn't want to go on her own and wanted me to come with her because its near where i live. As you probably guessed i went along with her. She also text me lastnight asking me what i was doing but i ignored that text.

 

My dilema is this, clearly i am not 100% over the realtionship i am still uncomfortable with my friend dating my ex. Even though it was hard i have accepted that they are together and i do not feel any resentment towards the two of them. No contact is very difficult becase we all share the same friends, everyone knows about our situation. I once suggested no contact to her and she did not want that because she says its not like we can actually do it because we'll still see each other when we are with our friends.

 

So what does everyone think i should do? When i see them we just make small talk thats ok, its when i'm alone or when my ex is alone she talks to me more as if she wants everything to be normal between us. I understand this takes time but i seriously believe no contact is impossible.

 

They dont even act like a couple because there are always mutual friends with eyes on them. If i ever saw anything i dont know how i would react either. I believe its a rebound relationship as does my friends but its not really my concern anymore.

 

I want her to know that i am still here for her if she needs me thats why i respond to her when she calls but i do feel it does set my back healing sometimes. Another reason is because we both admit that we are were really happy with each other, only problems was that she wish she had met me later in life when we have more experience in life and the distance between us, she lives just over an hours drive from me. I'd like to try again one day once i've healed properly and shes going to move near me next year when she starts uni.

 

Sorry i've writtern quite alot again but as you can see there are a few things on my mind. Thanks for everyones time.

[QTpie87]

hey, im going to send you a pm in about 10 min. saying what i think. hope it helps. love ya.

Qtpie87

 

[Gilgamesh]

Hiya

 

You seem to between a rock and a hard spot here.

 

I, at least had the benefit of being able to remove myself from contact, and I am glad I could do that, it really helps get over it all.

 

I also agree that she jumped too soon into that relationship with your mutual "friend" she latched on to the most convinient guy at hand. not the first time that has happened.

 

anyway, thats all beside the point, whats really important is you here. these constant contacts and her relationship with you friend being in your face all the time, well that hurts. you are a very brave man and i have to salute you and your strength.

 

I know you want to be "available" for her just in case, but you have to accept the fact that you have not forgiven them yet, you have not let go of her yet, and everytime you see them together and act like nothing happened, it re-opens those wounds again.

 

You have to heal from this, and the least amount of contact you make with either one of them the better. only time will get you past this, eventually someday, you will be ready to hang around them, you just wont care anymore. but your not at that point now.

 

This is your well being we are talking about, your life and happiness, do what you need to do to break it off with them, move, change jobs, etc. let go of her, even if she were to want to have you back, your not ready, until you have completely healed from all this first! . and the way to do that is letting go of her and those "hopes" for that one magical call, when you get to the point where you dont care if she calls or not or whether you ever see her again, then thats when your ready if she does want you back.

[Archivist]

Thank you Gilgamesh!

 

I totally agree with you, i remember you once offered me advice on my ex before, this was before she started to date my "friend". Your advice was similar to what you just said. I no longer wait or hope for that magical call which you talk about as i know for sure even if she was to come back now, theres no way any sort of realtionsip would work with her at the moment.

 

So you suggest that i avoid them as much as possible, i agree with you there and i often try not to be anywhere they are. A lot of people suggest that too and i agree, the problem is we are such a close group of friends, for my birthday last week i did a joint dinner with another friend since it was her birthday not long before mine and ofcourse my ex and her bf were there too. Thats how close we all are, were going to go to the same get togethers! I know of 4 other occasions where i will probably run into one of them just in January! Now you understand how it is for me, i'm fortunate that they dont act like a couple in front of everyone, i hear from my friends their realtionship isn't even that good, they are always reluctant to show any sort of affection towards each other. I guess thats one main reason i dont end up like an emotional reck when i see them both.

 

I guess the only thing i want to know is how do i deal with the calls or text messages or msn messages when my ex contacts me? I dont think i could just give her the cold shoulder, although i have on the few occasions i did not reply her texts. I never intiate contact with her its always her who contacts me. I already tried once to explain, i dont want to sound like a greaving broken record to her again, saying i've not yet properly healed blab blah. She says if i we tried no contact that would just be cold, we'd have to ignore each other when we see each other and she said its not like we could just oneday start ignoring each other and some day just start talking to each other again. Its such a complicated situation i'm in

[Gilgamesh]

Hi

 

well when she writes, answer her as if she was a business companion, keep it short and straight, dont bring anything relationship related at all.,

 

dont do the avoiding thing though.

 

I have often wondered how i would react if i was to run accross my ex someday, i know how i want to react, ill say, hello how you doing, wonderful, wish her well, and goodbye, but since thats never happened, i am not 100% sure.

 

but, dont matter, as ill be 2000 miles away soon.

 

your in for a rough ride, but you will get through it. time time time.

 

good luck