How much commitment do i owe?

[FunGuy]

I'm 34 and am in a relationship with a woman with 2 kids. We have lived together for 4 years and it's to the point where i'm unhappy.

 

Her kids are spoiled, rude and she's anti-social.

 

It's hard to keep a happy sense to my life, when they're arguing and yelling at each other from morning to night. I try to intervene but either i jump in when i shouldn't or she has constant excuses as to why they are the way they are.

 

You have to understand these kids have everything. He has every game system and electronic gadget a kid could want. She has every doll and toy imaginable for a kid her age.

 

She has no friends and wants none. She never calls anyone back who calls her. She wants me next to her every second. If i'm in another room of the house, she's wondering what's wrong. If we go out to a party she won't communicate with anyone and socializes very little, only if someone comes up to her. Twice i've danced with her sister at a party and she went nuts saying that i shouldn't dance with anyone else, but meanwhile at a club, she will only dance if there's a big crowd.

 

I can go on and on, but just want some advice, or someone to just read this and understand.

 

Thanks

[MollyElise]

Well having lived with her and her children for 4 years you do have some responsiblity. Unfortunately if you leave, one way or the other you will end up being a bad guy. But also the mother really shouldn't have allowed a cohabitation situation with her children around, because you're like well I never promised you anything, Im sick of y'all so Im leaving. Think about the commitment you have made by being there, you may not have made a legal commitment, but you did make an emotional one. You have been acting like this is your family, family doesnt walk out.

 

Sounds like you've made up your mind to leave. If you want me to tell you that it's okay, well sorry, it's not.

[QTpie87]

that doesn't sound too healthy maybe you should talk with her. does she mean a lot to you, i don't know i just think that maybe if you were to comunicat with her like out to dinner or something when you aren't mad that it might help. if you are with her she should know how you feel.

[Tourista]

Dear Fun Guy,

The 2 words that got me were "I owe". Ah, you don't owe anything except to treat this woman and her children with compassion as you move out.

 

I'd suggest couples therapy, but from the tone of your note, I wouldn't bet money on an intact outcome.

 

Get a day by yourself. Get a week or 2 weeks by yourself. Have your boss send you out of town to learn some software program that no one else wants to learn but that your company needs. Something like that. While you are away, think. Think: what will make Fun Guy happy? What is Fun Guy passionate about? Why isn't Fun Guy doing things that he is passionate about?

 

You're only 34. Don't waste your youth. Figure out what you want in life and go get it. Don't hide behind the excuse that you would have...but you felt obligated to marry this woman and her two spoiled kids. Step parenting is not for the faint of heart. And it doesn't seem like you are very into it. I think you're too immature for your arrangement. And I mean that in the kindest of ways. You still need to figure out who you are and what makes you happy.

 

So move out as compassionately as you can. And do not move in with another woman until you know that's what you want. In fact do not get exclusively involved with a woman unless you know you are ready for a real live mature intimate relationship.

 

Best of luck to you!

[bridey]

Your partner sounds like a co-dependant. Very unhealthy. You won't ever make her happy because she does not know how to make herself happy. She is looking to others to make her feel good, but she needs to learn to care about herself. She needs help. You can push her in the right direction, but you don't owe her anything. You owe it to yourself to find some peace and quiet.

[bikewench]

Funguy... I understand. Blended families are HARD!

 

Not only that... but you have no offspring to balance out the equation.... LOL

 

Wouldn't it be nice to have a relationship manual... where you look up "troubleshooting a problem"... and it gives you the right directions to follow?

 

In any family... blended or not... the scenario you describe is totally common. That's kinda where our culture has put us. Not that that makes it any easier.

 

The electronic age also has made it to easy to isolate.... so less social interaction. And... the less one does, the less one wants to do. It's easy to get in a rut which it sounds like your girlfriend is in.

 

You don't mention if any aspects of your life with her are pleasurable...

 

The thing about leaving a relationship.... (and 4 years seems to be a magic number relationship wise...) is we have to take ourselves with us to the next one. So, without some heavy duty self honesty, and honesty and communication with the mate... we don't learn our self defeating characteristics and could just end up in the same situation with a different mate.

 

If it was me... I'd sit down and figure out ONE pet peeve scenario that isn't too volitile.... and why it effects ME! Then I'd call a family gathering, and I'd explain how unhappy I was with that situation (without blaming).... then ask if a solution can be sought. I would have to be willing to make changes as well.

 

I'd start small... pick the easiest thing to resolve... and don't allow the discussion to evolve around any other issue other than the primary one. "We'll discuss that another time... okay? Let's stick to this issue" works well.... and "Blaming will get us no where... can we please brainstorm a solution..?" keeps the finger pointing down as well.

 

Let everyone have their say... and keep a steel plate over your buttons. Stick to the issue and don't stop until you have a willingness from everyone on a solution.... even if it takes a few days of GROUP dialog.

 

Then... follow through with gentle reminders until the new response is firmly ingrained in everyone... and they all get to see that the home is a much better place when all work together....

 

... then go to the next issue.

 

If I got no interaction from a majority of the members on even the small issue... then I'd know I was wasting my time.

 

Relationships evolve... and with the "anything goes" mindset of today... there are no hard and fast solutions. But... people have been negotiating since the dawn of man... ; )

 

Negotiate yourself some happiness.