Mourning the Potential

[MemoriesDust]

Today's a bad day.

 

It's not like we haven't broken up before - we have, many times. But I can tell in my heart this is the end.

 

It's very sad that two people who love each other just cannot find a way to make the relationship work.

 

But then, the relationship was a train wreck from day one... A rebound that grew. Before this relationship I had no idea of what power games entailed, now it seems I know too well. I've played along and I've learned bad habits which must now be erased.

 

I'm in no way innocent, I tried very hard, the constant rejection, lack of affection, fights, games, manipulation, it all took it's toll until I became withdrawn... Then they realised they wanted me, but I'd already checked out. When I checked back in, they'd checked out. I guess it's a case of extremely bad timing. And games, oh the games. I hate it.

 

I guess, in essense I'm mourning the potential. The "what-ifs". This is not healthy, but I think it's a process, i have to work through it. I have to cry, vent, write, think, move forward. I know eventually I will understand all this better. It could have been great, it could have been amazing, but it wasn't, it never will be, it is gone. The fantasy is amplifying the hurt.

 

Now, slowly but surely I have to deconstruct this fantasy, one day, one hour at a time.

 

It is time for a change. But it will take time, and this I must not forget.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

M&D

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just hang in there...it takes time but you will put this into perspective. When someone plays so many games causing the other person to have to go down to that level as well, it is an unhealthy situation. Relationships should build each other up not tear each other down and be a power struggle. There are enough power struggles in day-to-day interactions with people that having a partner should be a refuge from all that strife.

[bambina maxima]

Getting over the potential of "what could have been" is one of the toughest things about breakups.

 

But look at it this way ... you both tried until you just couldn't try anymore. It's not as if you didn't put enough effort into it.

 

I've found it helpful to try to imagine the potential "what-ifs" in a different light. I.E., if we had made it together, we could be dealing with the issues of distrust, non-communication, and frustration on a day-to-day basis for the rest of our lives. (Maybe not, but I think it would have been a possibility for us to devolve into that point.)

 

In your case, if you had kept on trying, who knows if it had the possibility of finally going right? That's the tough part about the future. You really can't say what would or would not have happened. But you can take a logical guess based on what has transpired so far -- if you experienced a good deal of hurt, misunderstanding, and not-so-fun times during your relationship, then chances are you aren't going to suddenly figure it out.

[icarus27]

Memories,

 

I'm going to try to post again sometime today. I am going through an awful phase of mourning the potential with someone too.

 

It keeps sounding trivial if I say it to other people, because we hardly had gotten to know each other. But I tried to have belief in the potential we had - I have dated so much and so fruitlessly these last two years, keeping going - and now this girl and I didn't work out. It is tearing my heart out at the moment, and despair is taking over.

[anken]

Im at the anger stage, you seem to have accepted it, i'm trying not to care, to have no contact as I am creating fanatsies about what she is doing, why she is doing it and now believing that she is already in a new relationship after only five days. It was a rebound relationship with all the highs and lows, the ying and the yang, the games and the tears. I want to turn into the bad guy who loves and leaves, moves on as I don't think that at my age there are too many genuine people left. You write very well for your age, it shows you are a well educated and thoughtfull person. Don't look for love it will find you.

[icarus27]

Like in your case Memories, it was not like there were not some warning signs that trying for a relationship with her was not a good idea. The simplest way to put it is that she described herself as being commitment-phobic in the past and that some time before she got to know me, she had already started the journey to get over it.

 

I am writing this to vent as much as anything else, because today I need to. I have had an awful night's sleep, waking up so many times and every time thinking of harming myself, if only to take the pain away permanently. My feelings are caught up not just with the girl, but the very process that I have had to go through these past few years where potentials keep breaking down, I fall, get up try again, fall down and on and on and on .... I simply cannot take this pain anymore.

 

I wish I could be of the frame of mind where I tell myself to learn, not make the similar mistake again .... but my life - work life, home life, family relationships - are so far from what I would've wanted them to be that I .... can't take this anymore.

[anken]

this is your life and you and I need to get tougher and stop taking s.... from these women. I cant tell when they are genuine and I suspect they dont know themselves but you and I have to accept that we are the ones with a problem and emotionall change ourselves so that we are not so vunerable. Im feeling as you are, Ive had enough and Im scared cause I want out, but the best revenge is to live well and too let them see that

[icarus27]

Anken,

 

I have been so, so strong over the last two years. I've kept an open mind about women out there, kept putting myself out there with the possibility that things will not work out and I *have* emotionally changed.

 

But nothing is getting me to where I want to go. This is an old line, but this girl and I really had SO much in common, SO much that we could build on ... and still she is walking away.

 

I am literally spent of all my strength and I am breaking down. I want to end it here, I know that my saying this is little more than a cry for help, and those who are stronger than me might say that I'm being self-indulgent. But this prospect was different, I *let this girl in*. Not completely and utterly, but enough for it to hurt so much now.

[anken]

yeah me too and I feel right now like you. the best part of my day is when I go to sleep..

The greatest part about life is to love and be loved and in its absense we feel nothing else is important. I wish I could tell those who are in a realtionship and are about to or are cheating that they should consider themselves lucky to be bored with the one they are with because so many of us would die to be like them and have that security.

be strong, love will find you

[icarus27]

The greatest part about life is to love and be loved and in its absense we feel nothing else is important.

 

Anken, after I spent all those years studying and moving for my job, I came to a point when I came to realise what you wrote there. Only it has taken centre stage in my life, and accepting that it is never going to happen feels like the biggest failure, one that makes me ashamed to show my face in the crowd.

 

There are some complicating factors in my case, I am from an ethnic minority and this makes things different for me. I am not trying to use race as an excuse ... but I have fought long and hard to keep my head above whatever obstacles came my way. I can't do this anymore.

[anken]

some times we have to lose to win. I went for a long motor bike ride yesterday into the country, to towns where people still live the simple life. I was touched with their friendship and I could see that they were ten years in the past. I went hoping that the good lord would take me on the ride, it was not my time it seemed. I want a career but have a family, you have a career but want a family. Where do you live and why do you say your a minority, what race is it

[icarus27]

Mate, I live in the northern part of Scotland. I am of Asian (and by that I mean East Indian) descent.

 

If white people find mainstream dating hard, it does not compare with the obstacles that come up for someone who is trying to date accross the divide. There are a few people of my own background in this part of the world, but then again, I am also different from many of them. The way they think (e.g. too religious) is different from me.

 

I am stuck between terrible odds and no amount of thinking is finding me a way out. This is why I want to end it. I cannot find it in myself to eat today. I may see a friend today, and may be able to eat then.

[anken]

okay I don't know what the local customs are like there but why do you stay there if they are so intolerant. Do you put yourself out there in a social way, sports, clubs.

I took a chance last year with this lady, I just asked her to have a coffee and I have spent the last six months in a mixed state of mostly happiness. What chances and risks have you taken. I'm going to get out there again now as soon as possible, to live well is going to be my revenge. I have worked in many jobs because I have to be flexible with my children, but the hardest one was as a real estate agent. I had to get out there and contact people. Before you throw your life away and might I say you seem to be a great bloke, put yourself out there, do something unexpected...

[anken]

I'm tired my friend and going to bed, which is the happiest part of my day, going to sleep, I pray the lord will take me. Rather sad but true. I will say a prayer for you, [lease dont think me religious in any way but I like this one.

May the road always rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warmly on your face.

May the rain fall gently on your fields.

and until we meet again

May the lord hold you safely in the palm of his hand.

 

Live long my friend and I hope we can share thought s again soon