Dating Confusion

[ken_is_changing]

Im a shy guy, I'm trying to change. I don't understand dating, what is it ? I have always "targeted" someone I wanted to be with and worked at it, then it was over and I already planned out the rest of our lives together Of course this has been fatal for my self esteem because it was always settled in my heart that she was the one. I can see that going with different people, getting to know them is a better idea. I feel when I'm seeing someone I shouldn't see anyone else , it makes me feel deceptive. If sex comes up fast does that seem like a bad idea? I mean I'm gonna be looking for a companion, mate , lover etc, I'm not looking to just get laid.

 

I can become needy and jealous, I want to be in constant contact with her, how do I understand these are bad and stop these actions? I know my confidence level and self esteem is low, I'm working on that. I'm working out and watching my diet, I just lost someone who said there was no "spark", I feel if I was in better shape it wouldve made a difference. Either way, I m getting in shape for myself and to help my self esteem and confidence.

 

Another thing when I try to go out, like to a bar or some social gathering, I get paralyzed with fear when I walk into a room full of people, thats another hurdle for me if I'm gonna meet someone.

[PulsarSpin]

Ken,

Try this if just for fun....

Throw your hands in the air....act like you just don't care!

I was shy in my youth and it kept me in a corner.

When I arrived at places with no expectations....things started happening.

Quit fantasizing about a future that is not written yet.

Don't work at it!

Once you go in with the attitude that you are FINE no matter what happens,

people will pick up on that as confidence.

I don't think anyone wants a doormat for a boyfriend.

It will not be easy, but give it a try just for the heck of it.

What do you have to lose?

Look at yourself as others see you.

Good luck and be careful out there.

 

nothing is for certain...you gotta try

[k.will.photo]

It sounds like you're going at this the entirely wrong way. I did that a lot, but the one time I started dating a guy and I told myself: I'm not going to think about the future, I'm not going to get myself in deeper than I can swim, I'm going to let this relationship just be for FUN.

 

That relationship has been my longest and best, and its still going. Yea, we're a lot more serious now but still I made myself take it slow. I made myself swallow the L-word a hundred times and more. I made myself think about the day-to-day instead of thinking of the future.

 

And because we work so great together, when I told him I wanted to wait on the sex, he made sure we waited, even when I thought I was ready but I really wasn't. We waited a year and a half before that day, and it made it all that much more romantic and amazing.

 

Remember, also, that a relationship is a 2-way street. You have to read the other person and communicate with them. You can't jump in head first when they are obviously not ready for that at all.

 

My overall advice to you is this: make yourself take the next one slow. And I mean PAINFULLY slow. Like "Oh-my-God-it's-taking-a-life-time-to-get-close-to-this-girl" slow. Take it so slow that you wait at LEAST 2 months after you start thinking the L-word to actually say it to her, and make SURE you mean it. (Also don't expect her to return the favor right away.) Make yourself "snap out of it" anytime you start thinking of the future and bring yourself back to today. Think about today...and maybe tomorrow. If you've been really good at taking it slow you can think about tomorrow ;-)

Haha, jk but seriously. That's the only way I think I would go.

 

I finally stopped trying to control my own future and my perfect future fell face-first right into my lap.

[ken_is_changing]

The girl I was with recentley had some emotional issues due to past abuse and she was saying she loved me within 4 weeks, I tried to be cool but I fell hard for her. It is painful for me to think about her now, it is definitly over and I think she has a history of doing this, getting real close, real fast then pulling away, fear of comitment I think. The real hard thing was the constant attention she gave me then one day it just stopped. I relied on her to boost my self esteem. I accept the fact that she dosent want to be with me as my GF. The real issue for me is changing myself, learning to have a normal healthy relationship

[k.will.photo]

Just don't feel obligated to return the L-word if she says it first. Tell her you'll tell her you love her when you mean it, and not before, that you want to respect her and you don't want to lie to her. =)

[ken_is_changing]

Good advice, although I don't plan on getting involved with anyone yet. I don't wanna screw up the next one !!!!!

[ghost69]

what do you mean targeted someone and 'worked at it'? it's not a job. you go for it quickly. do not take your time.

[ken_is_changing]

I mean I didn't get to know a girl to see if we were compatible, I just get where I wanna be with someone and I try to force it to work. I'm trying to get over someone now, we werent going steady we were just fooling around and I fell in love. I try not to think about her , I got very attached but she said there was no spark for her, so there nothing I can do but get over it, it really sucks too !

[ghost69]

how old are you ken?

[ken_is_changing]

I'm 40. And I guess I just wanna be comfy with someone, but I probably overlook negative traits of a woman just because I wanna be with her. I been going to a gym and working out and I'm searching for the happiness I'm missing, I just don't like myself and I

'm working to change that, it's probably why I've had bad relationships. The problem is me and I'm changing that.

[ghost69]

that's great you recognize you are flawed. we all are. but we can change. good luck!!