How to back out of corner without being hurt

[Morbid Shadow]

Sorry. I realize I am being selfish, its been hard today. He called me, and things arent looking as hopeful for me as I thought...I need this advice...

 

I realize this might sound strange...but due to a recent change of events, it looks as if the man I spoke of in earlier posts might be around sooner than I expected. A LOT SOONER.

 

Short version, I cant use the normal venues of protection at the moment, hence the strange requests for unconventional advice...

 

Okay, reason for post is to ask what NOT to say if or when he has finally caught up to me (have to plan for everything) and has me cornered.

 

Lets say he catches me somewhere, alone, and I cant get away. If he says to me "If you dont want anything to do with me, then tell me to my face right now that you dont love me and you want me to go away and I will"

 

Should I risk it and tell him to his face that I dont love him and want him to go away?

 

I know the answer should be an obvious one, he is presenting me with an opportunity to get him out of my life, right?

 

No.

 

In the past, I have told him to his face I didnt want nothing to do with him (at his request) and it made him crazy angry, seeing red angry and not only did it not make him let me go, it made him violent too.

 

This time, however, much time has passed in between him not seeing me. A lot has happened since then. He has adopted the attitude that he really doesnt want much to do with me anymore, and he is really tired of pouring his heart out to me only for me to stomp all over it.

 

He does sound defeated, and tired of it all.

 

If he should happen to catch up with me this time, and asks me to tell him to his face, should I trust that he just wants his closure and he will leave me alone for all times sake and tell him that I dont want him in my life and to go away?

[Excalibur]

why aren't you pointing to previous police reports you've filed in the past to the police now - asking for a restraining order, that he'd be served with.

 

I realize that it wouldn't keep him from coming near you - to enforce the law, he must break it - but it gives you laws to enforce if he comes nears you - what he's saying is irrelevant.

 

Yuou're wanting and hoping that someone with no moral compass "acts civil" - come on.

 

If you want to to talk to this guy and be heard - you speak his language. If you believe he can corner you in an alley - you get prepared not to defend yourself - but to attack him. It's not begging that is going to make him go away - that feeds his ego, and lets him know that you need his consent and cooperation to be safe.

 

Tell him how it is - walk off, and when he grabs your arm, knee the guy in the groin, and punch his face iwth the fist that has a roll of quarters in it.

[Russ]

I think your answer was just provided in the synopsis you gave. What choice do you have?

 

If you do tell him, and you truly believe he's tired of this, he'll let go. If he gets angry, and violent, and you have bruises to show for it, that's the price you pay for having a voice.

 

But if you don't, then you're sticking to being trapped in the cycle. You're not solving, or attempting to solve your problem.

 

I believe this is one of those cases in which you should keep trying to tell him you're done, no matter what. It's the only way to end the circle.

[Morbid Shadow]

I have posted on here before, I cant remember which post I said it in, but there are some reasons why the police is no longer an option to me. Its personal. If it were an option, I wouldnt feel so panicked as I do right now. For now I have to go at it alone.

 

Besides. Think about it. Will the police really help me if he has me cornered somewhere, alone, with no phone, no way to get out? Its not as if I could telepathically message the police, and they would come in a jiffy. Police is good for plan A. I believe everyone should have a plan B as well.

 

You know that in some instances, the person who has a restraining order set against him will actually become more enraged and will provoke him to break it.

 

He is that person. That is his personality. He will voilate it, because he believes that he owns me, and anything or anyone that tries to come between us is a challenge to him, making him believe all the more that he has to "fight" to win me.

[Pocket Rocket]

Don't be alone, if you own a car, get in it and only get out in public places where people are watching. Take a cab when you need to leave the house and there isn't anyone around. Oh and when you can DO get the restraining order. if he breaks it, the police will deal with him, which has to be better than him beating you and no justice being done.

[Morbid Shadow]

Don't be alone, if you own a car, get in it and only get out in public places where people are watching. Take a cab when you need to leave the house and there isn't anyone around.

 

I have been that route before. Extra cautious and careful. Sooner or later I slip. Its human nature. He's caught up to me before, even when I was at my most diligent- he's even nabbed me IN PUBLIC with many people as witnesses, yet no one called the police. Things come up, I cant plan on him never catching me just because I have followed all the plans to a T. He doesnt care if people are watching or not. In fact, that makes him all the more determined, because when he gets away with it (which he has, more than once) he assures himself that nothing can stop him or get in his way.

[Pocket Rocket]

Pepper spray?

[Morbid Shadow]

I think your answer was just provided in the synopsis you gave. What choice do you have?

 

If you do tell him, and you truly believe he's tired of this, he'll let go. If he gets angry, and violent, and you have bruises to show for it, that's the price you pay for having a voice.

 

But if you don't, then you're sticking to being trapped in the cycle. You're not solving, or attempting to solve your problem.

 

I believe this is one of those cases in which you should keep trying to tell him you're done, no matter what. It's the only way to end the circle.

 

Russ.....What you said made me sad, but also, it made me see things in a different light. It is the only way to end the circle. In the past, when he has caught up with me, and I have resisted, and he has hurt me, I have stopped and given in because I was scared enough and led to believe he would kill me if I didnt comply. So I complied. Thats not to say I didnt push it, because I am not one to easily submit to anything. But he had my legs turning to jelly and I have never ever ever been so scared of someone before....I have never taken it to the extreme with him and refused to back down, no matter what...at least not to his face...But this time, I think I might. At least it will solve the problem...one way or another. I hope.

[Morbid Shadow]

Pepper spray?

 

definitely in the works.

[Pocket Rocket]

You should also think about taking some intensive self defense classes.I recommend Muay Thai, Judo and Brazilian Ju Jitsu. Those three combined you'll be a powerhouse dynamo. Also, I'd think of moving, and severing all ties with mutual friends so he can't find you so easily again whilst you get ready to defend yourself should the time ever arise.

[Morbid Shadow]

EXCALIBUR:

 

Yuou're wanting and hoping that someone with no moral compass "acts civil" - come on.

 

If you want to to talk to this guy and be heard - you speak his language. If you believe he can corner you in an alley - you get prepared not to defend yourself - but to attack him. It's not begging that is going to make him go away - that feeds his ego, and lets him know that you need his consent and cooperation to be safe.

 

Tell him how it is - walk off, and when he grabs your arm, knee the guy in the groin, and punch his face iwth the fist that has a roll of quarters in it.

 

Thank you!!! That was awesome! You are absolutely 100% right....I love love love what you said.....And you are right, so very right with this..:

Yuou're wanting and hoping that someone with no moral compass "acts civil" - come on.

 

If you want to to talk to this guy and be heard - you speak his language.

 

This is going to go through my head all weekend long....You have given me something to go on that I can use to push me through.....

 

You are very perceptive to say that about him, that I am hoping that he, who is moral-less (if that is a word) will act civil...I must remember that..I must keep in mind that he truly does lack morals...

[Excalibur]

I've been in your position. Thus the advice inform the police of your 'situation".

 

You are going to have to act as your own protecting enforcer, even if it means you do jail time for self-defense if it not perceived that way by law.

[Russ]

To be completely irrational, and what I probably would go with, to minimize my own pain and maximize the message, in your case, would be to have him scared of you.

 

This will probably sound immature, child-ish, comical, etc. If he does catch up with you, beat him. Kick him where the sun don't shine for the first move. When he bends over or falls down, knee or kick him in the face. Empty your pepper spray into his face. Then beat him half-conscious. Allow him to realize that you're the psycho that he doesn't want to deal with.

 

And what's he going to do? Go to the cops? You've got evidence of past abuse, no? If you have that, they'll take your self-defense plea, laugh in his face, and wipe their boots on him.

 

Like I said, I do understand this does sound irrational, etc, and this is simply something I would do in your situation if backed into a corner.

 

Stooping to someone's level for your own survival is not a negative thing.

 

EDIT: And I just saw what Excalibur posted after I wrote this, so I guess this is just a supporting opinion that you do have to stoop to his level.

[Excalibur]

The reality is anytime you pick up the phone or acknowledge him you feed his entitlement to abuse you - he gets off on your fears, and your trepidation.

[Morbid Shadow]

You are going to have to act as your own protecting enforcer, even if it means you do jail time for self-defense if it not perceived that way by law

 

Excalibur...you just made me so happy. Why? Because, finally I have been understood! And, I am not alone!!! I really am not!! Others have had to do this too!! You know what its like! I dont mean to sound so happy about such a morbid thing, truly I am not, I am just excited that you truly "get it"....

 

Thank you.

[Morbid Shadow]

The reality is anytime you pick up the phone or acknowledge him you feed his entitlement to abuse you - he gets off on your fears, and your trepidation.

(Excalibur)

 

How did you figure this out? I mean, I know you must have suspected this for some time (just like I have been suspecting about him), that he gets off on this, but what really confirmed it? I dont mean therapists pounding it into your head, or reading it somewhere, but how did you learn it?

[Morbid Shadow]

Russ:

 

 

 

Your message was not immature in the least..

 

I liked this part:

 

 

 

 

I agree as well.....I am just doing what it takes to ensure my survival...

 

I just need to get up the courage to respond in that manner instead of going limp with terror in his presense...like always....dont understand it. Never been like that before. With anyone. For any reason. Always been a bit of a fighter...

[Aurian]

Its because he`s convinced you that you are helpless.

 

So, take back some power.

 

You choose not to repond his emails, phone calls, whatever.

 

You take every scrap of evidence you have and take it to the police. No they might not be able to do anything right away, but it will be ON RECORD. So if he tries anything, they have a record of his past behaviour and have a better chance of arresting him.

 

You do what you can to make things more favourable if he corners you. Get pepper spray or mace. Take some self-defense classes. Scream your head off if he approaches or corners you. Make it clear that you are not a victim and do not want him anywhere near you.

 

If you can and you`re inclined towards pets, get a dog. Not necessarily a vicious one, but having a dog around your house will act like a security alarm and his barking may intimidate the guy. I borrowed my parents' dog when I left my ex and I must say knowing he will bark if my ex came around made me feel more secure.

 

Beef up your security at home, in the car and at the office. If he is finding you through old friends, cut them out of your life as well. Maybe even change some of your habits if needed.

[Aurian]

The best thing is to be consistant in your message - that you do not love him and do not want to be with him. Period.

 

Any wavering in this message and/or any attention given to him (ie - responding to him, telling him to leave you alone) will only tell him that he is getting into your head and encourage him to continue.

 

However, please be safe. If you are in a dangerous position, it may be better to lie and get out of there. Please find the best balance between defiance and safety if this guy is stalking you and confronting you again and again.

 

This is why I think the police should get involved as well. They might not be able to jump to your rescue if he corners you, but they`ll at least be able to arrest and detain him afterwards for not leaving you alone.

[Gracelove]

Hmmm, I don't know, if he catches up to you this time, he's likely to try and kill you.

 

Why would a man spend all of that time tracking you down if he didn't want to harm you? Especially if you ended the relationship a while back.

 

I honestly don't know what to say other than, "follow your gut".

 

Me personally, I wouldn't answer him if he asked me that question. What's the point?

 

Do you have any money saved up? If you think he is catching up to you, I'd run again.

 

And when I got to my new destination, I'd buy a gun and go for frequent target practice.

 

And you said he called you? How did he get your number? What did he say?

 

I'm guessing he was really abusive when you guys were together.

 

Has he been stalking you long?

 

It reallllllllly sucks being in a situation like that. I would run, and pray.

 

Some men, just don't know how to take "no" for an answer. And they have HUGE anger management problems.....and they are unstable...is that the kind of guy you're dealing with?

 

OH, you know what?! A detective once told me to keep track of any time I saw my ex in the vicinity.

 

You should so do that!

 

If your ex calls you, or pops up somewhere....write down the time, date, and location in which you spotted him. Especially if he is some place you know he shouldn't be. Like if all of a sudden he starts popping up in all of the places you frequent, when he wasn't there before.

 

I know this time can be extremely distressing for you.

 

Just go to anyone you can for help.

 

Alert your employer, go to the police, tell them your situation, tell them you're scared.

 

And I'm sure you are on alert.

 

Looking over your shoulder all of the time sucks, but it keeps you safe.

 

And you might want to carry around a knife, or some manicuring scissors.

 

And a spray bottle filled with ammonia, to spray in his eyes.

 

And keep a wooden baseball bat in your car.

[Morbid Shadow]

Everyone here has been so wonderful and supportive...For the longest while, I have been feeling so alone and discouraged..kinda feeling like I am floating in a huge ocean, drifting without a lifejacket or even sense of direction...It seems like every time I have reached out, my hand has been slapped..I feel grateful that I have found this place when I did, because I have been going down the drain.

 

Hmmm, I don't know, if he catches up to you this time, he's likely to try and kill you.

 

(posted by Gracelove)

 

Thanks for catching that...very insightful, Gracelove. That is what I am trying to express to everyone I turn to for help- If he catches me this time, there will be no escaping. It is how I choose to go about it that will be the deciding factor on whether I live or die, I suppose. I know that sounds gruesome, and maybe a bit far fetched, but I would rather be that way and planning for anything then to be ignorant of the situation, and to be caught unaware.

 

This weekend I reached out and called some hotlines. After speaking with one after another, I was left feeling exasperated and more than a bit frustrated. Mostly all of them said "If he has you cornered, call the police ASAP!"......Sorry, but thats not going to happen-If he has me cornered, the first thing he does, is disarm me, meaning, he snatches the things away from me that could be used to aid in escaping him- The cell phone, the car keys, the purse. Then, he immobilizes me in whatever way he can, whether he physically restrains me, or secures me in one area, a locked room, or becomes violent, basically anything he can do he will do to keep me from getting away from him. This is all done in a blink of an eye, leaving me stuttering wondering what the hell just happened?! I didnt even know he was there one minute and the next I am being restrained in a speeding vehicle.

 

Given that things have escalated as far as they have, with such an intensity and severity, I have no doubt, that if he isnt "tired of this" and "ready to just forget about me" then I am in for a world of hell.

[Beyondthesea]

It's quite simple really, don't go places he will be, don't be out at night by yourself, don't get into the situation.

 

I also dealt with a psycho ex who stalked me all over, but not ONCE did he corner me because I knew where not to go and be. If he came over I didn't unlock the door. If he called I didn't answer. If he did see me somewhere I would go into a very crowded place and phone someone until he left.

 

If you really don't want to be seen, you can make it happen.

 

Although you are scared, don't let yourself act like a victim. I found as soon as I was no longer afraid and wouldn't allow him to approach me, my life got better 100 fold.

[Morbid Shadow]

It's quite simple really, don't go places he will be, don't be out at night by yourself, don't get into the situation.

 

I also dealt with a psycho ex who stalked me all over, but not ONCE did he corner me because I knew where not to go and be. If he came over I didn't unlock the door. If he called I didn't answer. If he did see me somewhere I would go into a very crowded place and phone someone until he left.

 

Thank you, Beyondthesea. Actually, its not that simple, not really. I have avoided places I think he would frequent, I even went out of my way to go on the opposite side of the town just to avoid "possibly" running into him. I have been successful, but it hasnt been %100.

 

Remember, Just as badly as I want to avoid him, he wants to find me.

 

Avoiding him works, being proactive works, however, it can only get me so far. Of course I can and have not answered calls,if I see him out, I have and can run or go into a crowded place, that works too. But sooner or later, he catches up with me. I have to go to work sometime. I have no friends or family to support me. I have to go to the store to buy food, I cant live like a hermit no matter how much I want to, and have tried to.

 

This is a guy who *does * not * care if people see him run up on me and grab me by the hair and drag me kicking and screaming and crying into a waiting car. How do I know that about him? Because I have been in that situation with him, a couple of times. Crowds do not concern him. Onlookers make him all the more determined to get me because he figures if he can pull it off, then it proves to him that we really were meant to be.

 

If you really don't want to be seen, you can make it happen.

 

I have pumped myself up enough, and adopted that attitude as well, filled with strength that emboldened and empowered me enough to believe that I will never be seen and caught. I was determined. But I learned something from that too.

 

Just as I have adopted that attitude, and filled myself with strength, and empowerment, he has done the same in his belief that I am his. He too is filled with empowerment, and strength on his quest as well. He is just as equally determined.

 

Although you are scared, don't let yourself act like a victim. I found as soon as I was no longer afraid and wouldn't allow him to approach me, my life got better 100 fold.

 

I wouldnt "allow" him to approach me. My avoidance tactics worked for awhile, but sooner or later he would catch up with me. And when he did, he was 10 times more pissed because I had evaded him for so long.

 

Let me just point out something...I am going to do everything possible within my power to avoid him and make sure to never ever be caught by him. Even so, it would still be naive of me to think that he is never going to catch up with me, ever again. Because of that, I am going to hope for the best, and plan for the worst, as they say. Part of that plan includes not getting caught, but I cannot take a gamble with my life and just assume that if I dont want it to happen bad enough, it wont.

 

All of my questions and advice that I seek out on here, or with hotlines, is empowering me, giving me knowledge I can use to protect myself.

[Excalibur]

Why can't you move to another city and start over?

[Morbid Shadow]

Why can't you move to another city and start over?

 

Hi Excalibur,

 

That is definitely in the works....I just have to save up enough money to do it....I dont have anyone that can help me out, so I plan to save up as much as possible just in case, because there is no one to fall back on.