To nervous now that you got me????

[darkpumpkin]

General question about men.

It has to do with my SO but not only him but others I've dated to (which indicates this issue maybe me ).

 

My current SO after a week of living together just stopped wanting to have sex. He would still touch me and caress me, grab me as I walked by but other then that NOTHING. I was not always 'available" and at times I played the teasing game but it would never lead any where. I talked to him finally because I was becoming frustrated, I understand that stress is hard on someone and can make them lose their sex drive. But after 4 weeks you would think a normal guy would want something!!.

 

He confessed to me before he left for work that he had become nervous that he could not live up to me. That he was afraid his erection would fail half way through ( this has happened, due to his drinking and lifestyle he had this problem when we first started dating and then I guess with regular use it went away for a bit ) I expressed that it never mattered before and he can always finish the job one way or another then we can work on him but he says it's different now that we are living together....I don't get this....why would it be different?

 

Is it true that a guy would be that worried about his performance after living with someone? What happened to the whole "Yay I can be comfortable now that I know I’ve got her".

 

Oh that's another thing; I try to introduce new things into our sex life. He seems up for it when we talk verbally but he seems WAY to nervous to try anything out of the ordinary.

[Whiskers]

"It has to do with my SO but not only him but others I've dated to (which indicates this issue maybe me )" what about the others you dated? Has this happened before? Or did I miss something?

I think your boyfriend is uncomfortable...probably due to the problem at the beginning of the relationship which, despite what most men say, is actually really common.

A guy can be worried about performance at any time. This plus the fear of his problem from the beginning, can lead to a low sex drive and worry that he isn't going to be enough...it leads to stress which also causes performance problems and all of a sudden you're stuck in a catch 22 situation.

Since you haven't mentioned any outright rejection on his part, have you tried taking the teasing further to find he just won't participate at all?

XXXX

Sorry for the questions.

[darkpumpkin]

I guess I should have re-phrased that its happened before. I mean at a point in relationships in my past I seem to be "to much" for them. Where their sex drive diminishes but mine keeps going strong.

 

 

I could tease further, but I guess after trying and trying and being rejected (in a sense) it makes it frustrating to keep trying.

 

I guess I always believed in the sterotype that guys want it all the time and never have those issues.

[Whiskers]

It looks as if he's not making any effort to meet you half way, surely its time for a serious talk? Either he needs to tell yu exactly what it is and admit he's willing to try to compromise, or you're likely to compromise your sex life altogether. It doesn't sound as though he isn't interested as such, more as you say, nervous and most definitely uncomfortable.

Maybe he is somewhat frightened of your sex drive...that is a familiar situation for me and I found that rather than comprmising to say 3 times a week (or whatever suits - just don't pressure him for a ridiculous amount - he'll run fast!)...they backed off completely for fear of failing altogether.

I don't mean to put it all on you, but maybe, pour yourselves a glass of wine, sit at the table and try to talk it out. Meet each other halfway.

XXXX

[Cardinal]

I guess I should have re-phrased that its happened before. I mean at a point in relationships in my past I seem to be "to much" for them. Where their sex drive diminishes but mine keeps going strong. I could tease further, but I guess after trying and trying and being rejected (in a sense) it makes it frustrating to keep trying.

 

It is hard to ignore the recurring nature of this issue. It would help if you do as much as you can to elaborate on other times this has happened. Look for patterns in your behavior. From what you have mentioned so far, teasing may be part of the issue. Not every guy really likes being teased. Along those lines, if you come on too strong for too long, you will eventually turn most any guy away from sex. It is tough reality, but I'd try being neutral, but encouraging in a genuine way if you can. You can back off without showing any negativity.

 

Another thing you can do is analyse this in a vacuum. If you weren't in the picture, how often does your current man want sex. What is his frequency? If he wants to take care of things daily or at least multiple times a week, you have a man with a reasonably strong sex drive. If not, he probably has a moderate to low libido. And that is an issue with his natural drive, not you. Also consider what your drive is like. How high is your natural drive compared to his? If it is notably higher, I hate to admit, but the waning of interest over time is considered quite common among both sexes (whoever has the lower drive). It is an issue that can be dealt with but shouldn't perplex you at all.