A question to those who abuse.....

[Roxy Rose]

I split with my ex because I felt his behaviour was quite abusive - subtle - but abusive.

 

He made me cry every day, would ignore me, criticise me and basically threaten to end it if I put one toe out of line. This could be anything from not wanting a drink with my meal to not wearing what he wanted me to wear. He would literally FREAK OUT and I spent most of my time reassuring him that I was a good person who was just trying to make him happy, not this horrible monster he was making me out to be.

 

In the end I had gone from this bubbly, confident little mix - to this cowardly, nervous wreck who just concentrated on making him happy at the expense of making me miserable.

 

The break up was ugly - I ended it, he said he never wanted to speak to me again, and we have been NC for nearly 4 months until 2 weeks ago when I broke it and asked him how he was.

 

I have been left feeling guilty over the break up since I was the one who initiated it. He told me he never meant to hurt me and he never reaised what he was doing to me. I dunno whether I believe him, but I felt guilty for hurting him during the break-up. I don't hurt people by nature, it has been hard to move on because of the guilt.

 

Anyway, I got a really nice reply with a kiss on the end - I was shocked at this response. He seemed genuine.... I thought he would be vile.

 

I retreated back to NC and he has not pushed me after I told him that yes, I'm ok too. So, we are not in LC I don't think?

 

What I wanna know is do abusers realise what they have done and do they ever feel remorse. I have so many questions for my ex, and I wanna tell him what he did to me, and how tat makes me feel. His rsponse was nice, and I think he would talk to me, but would he listen?

[Aschleigh]

Sometimes abusers know and feel bad and sometimes they don't.

Is it worth the risk having this abuser back in your life, or back in your emotional fiedl to find out why he did that stuff?

Eventually, years down the line he will evd up in a 12 step program or the end of his marriage and he will look back on all the people he abused.

He did it because he was abused in some way. Or that something is off with him mentally or that he does not know how to love and respect himself and thereforee will not be able to love and respect anyone else.

Does it matter > If you are living the very best life you can, why does it matter if he gets it?

In 4 months he has done NO significant growing. In 5 years maybe. In 20 probably.

Save yourself the trouble and check back then.

[Jen5283]

I have dealt with quite a few abusive individuals, and the ones I was close to all told me they hated themselves. They hated themselves for hurting me and they hated themselves for the way they acted period. BUT..they never wanted to do anything to change their behavior. They stayed in self pity mode feeling sorry for themselves and acting helpless like they were out of control of themselves. I think they are so self absorbed that they only care about the consequences of hurting others, but not really the other's pain. If they cared in the first place, they wouldn't be abusive!

 

Of course, some can change and feel true remorse, but most don't because they can't see outside of themselves. The victim(you) is the tool to make them feel better about themselves. They really don't love themselves or anyone else, and it all comes out in their behavior.

[Roxy Rose]

I feel sorry for him - he definitely has my sympathy vote.

 

He is living in very hard circumstances. He has had to argue and fight for everything he has. WHere he lives and how he grew up people talk to each other like dirt, I am not like that.

 

He is still living at home, is in his mid-thirties and he hates his life.

 

We had great times, bad times but no in-between times. Thats why it was so hard. He even said that it was too up and down, but he looked at me like it was my fault, he accepted no responsibility for it. I know I was the first person he invested emotions in, (he has never been married, doesn't have kids, never been in love before), and I know it scared him to death.

 

He seemed like he was genuinely pleased I contacted him, but that he regretted his response maybe. He replied within 10 minutes with a full update of his life, his familly and then he included a lovely message about something that is very important to me. Then the kiss...... Considering his last words to me where, "You have killed me with this. I never wanna see you again! I doubt you ever loved me and I feel a fool!" I am very confused. The only other text he sent was, "I trust you and your mum are ok?" When I said yes, he never pursued anything more from me - he completely backed off when I said I was doing great and was happy and up-beat.

 

I cry thinking about him sometimes. I don't want him to wind up on his own, I want him to be happy.

[pinkelephant]

have you ever brought him into therapy?

 

 

 

i hate to say it, but i'm slightly abusive as well. i don't want to blame it on other things, but i was also abused growing up. i see it in my behaviour with my bf and i try to stop and be nice to him. but it slips. it is hard to control it, regardless of what other people think.

 

 

i actually like and care about my bf a lot, but it slips from time to time where i say/do things that are subtle but abusive. no where near your ex's level, but ive been known to attack people and put them down til they feel very bad about themselves. and at the same time, i still cared about them a lot and would've done anything for them. for my current bf, i really want him to make him happy like he makes me... but like i said, its hard.

 

 

i don't know. i'd suggest therapy for him... i don't suggest you getting back together with him until he's better though. because it'll hurt you and you have to think about yourself first. although, it's hard to say when he'll actually BE better, considering it's something that's really ingrain in you.

[Roxy Rose]

Thank you for posting, it was very brave of you to admit that you can be abusive.

 

My ex isn't a terrible person. I think he is insecure and a bit of a commitment freak. His mum is very influential..... She tells him he has to find someone who "ticks all the right boxes, or they're not worth it." The thing is, he takes that literally. If you are not perfect 100% of the time, then he panics. He was quite jealous of my friends because the majority are male, and I'm not vain, but I know I'm pretty and bubbly, so lads like to hang around me. I think that added to his insecurities. His ex's have all been insecure and very isolated and dependant on him. He criticises them to death, and told me he was only with them because he didn't want to be without someone. All of his friends have settled down, and he is the only one who hasn't - he is also the only one who hasn't left home even though he could afford to live in a really nice place..... He has never seen a future with any of his ex's, and I feel like he stayed with them out of convenience and because they put all the effort into the relationship without complaining. They were as desperate to be with someone as he was.

 

I don't believe he put any pressure on them to be "perfect" because he never wanted to settle down with them. I feel like he only really did that to me because he DID see a future with me, and I had to be the perfect girl, "tick all the boxes", before he could let himself get emotionally involved.

 

When we first got together he told EVERYONE that I was "the one", and when I got introduced to people they told me that they had never seen him so happy, and that he couldn't stop talking about me. We got invited to go on holidays abroad with other couples and according to his friend's wives, they had never invited him and his ex's because they never approved.

 

I feel like he was "training" me to be the perfect girlfriend.

 

1) Agree with everything he says

 

2) Don't have a different opinion to him

 

3) Look beautiful at ALL times

 

4) Never criticise him or question his decisions

 

5) Make the relationship my number 1 priority

 

 

He would get so upset and panic over the slightest difference. Really freak out! He wouldn't listen to reason, and would twist everything I said and be very insulting and dismisive of my feelings. I put EVERYTHING into our relationship and he was making me out to be this awful person. He contributed nothing but negativity, and I was a total mess. All I seemed to do was apologise and beg him to calm down. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

When we split up he was shocked and told me he was too devestated to ever see me again.

 

We weren't together more that 6 months, but he wanted to marry me. I think he does need therapy, but he can't take responsibility for his actions, or at least, he can't admit to them. I though he would be a real sod to me if I broke NC, and that is what prevented me from texting him. I was literally shaking when I text him - in tears - but the reply I got couldn't have been lovelier.

[Roxy Rose]

I can't believe how similar this situation is/was to mine.

 

 

 

My ex was stressed out for the EXACT same reason plus some others, however, I couldn't confront him because he would turn everything round on me!

I felt like I would put more stress on him, so I CHOSE to be abused rather than stand up to him and hurt him/ stress him out even more

[reneex061]

my now ex boyfriend was abusive with me. i think its the reason were taking time apart. he gets really angry easily which makes it so much harder to talk to him about what he does. any time that i try telling him that is not normal and that i dont deserve it, he gets really mean and tells me that i do it to myself and he flips out on me. just because i told him how he makes me feel. no one should deal with that and no one should have to feel what this feels like. i am so sorry. and even though weve been broken up for almost two wks, any time we talks he explodes and calls me all the names he would normally do if we were dating.