So messed up, not even sure where to start

[Ragnar85]

So, back in February I broke up with my girlfriend of one year, three months, and was overall quite happy to do so. I always get a bit of post-break up blues though, and wasn't really hitting on many women. So I decided to at one point try occasionally sending a message through a dating website. I checked it every few weeks or so, and then at the beginning of April, I really started talking seriously to this girl. I met her later that week (she works on my campus, where I also work) for lunch, and we hit it off decently.

 

Well, we talked at length and she said that she tended to be polyamorous, but that she'd had a lot of failed relationships in the past and was looking for something serious and meaningful, and if she ever just wanted something physical, she would go for people she was comfortable with.

 

Me and her start dating. There were however issues, as I was without a car during this period (this has since been solved) and she, while working on campus, lived about 30-45 minutes away, and had a medical condition that makes driving very tiring.

 

So while we saw each other during the day most days, we didn't spend a lot of time on formal dates, however we seemed to be becoming rather close.

 

After we had been dating for about a month and a half, she goes on a trip to Europe (it was paid for well in advance) for two weeks. Now before this trip, I'm seeing her semi-frequently, we're talking about basically where we're going and it seems we were all getting fairly serious.

 

She gets back from Europe. Barely talks to me. Doesn't make any time for me, and that weekend announces she has a new boyfriend (she did not meet him in Europe, to my knowledge she met him right before going off to Europe). I try to push a bit harder, figure out what's going on, and she reacts very negatively. Tells me that she only wants fun right now and that a serious relationship is out of the question (the exact opposite of what she said before Europe). I push her a bit more as this is just extremely shocking to me and she gets more and more irate as I try to get close to her again. She did not even make time to see me at all until Thursday (she had gotten back the Monday of the prior week) and that was only because I pushed to see her.

 

I'm really not getting what happened

 

She's cut off contact with me, ignores me when I send messages, etc. I didn't mean to pressure her into anything, but I'm just very shocked at all this I just don't get it! What happened? It's not like I am just imagining that we were getting serious, the woman said it herself. Even after she started dating the new guy, she still seemed to have a part of her want to open up to me.

 

I really like this girl and honestly haven't met a girl I've liked this much in a very, very long time. I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to lose any chance at all of knowing her, even as a friend. I'd prefer to be romantically involved, but the not talking at all just doesn't work.

 

What did I do wrong and how can I fix it?

[Cuppedia]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

That's the problem when you date people with emotional issues, they say something one day and the opposite the next.

Polyamorus and yet wants a commitment, tells you about her past relationship failures... that's quite a bad mix.

 

We all have had relationships of course, but if she enters a new one talking about how bad the others were it's highly possible that she did something to attract drama AND she also tolerated it but is still clueless and hasn't gotten over it.

 

She is supposed to be dating you and then suddenly gets a boyfriend after a trip?, does that sound like normal bahaviour to you?, of course it doesn't because it's not.

 

Let's consider what could have happened, she either had been seeing the other guy at the same time than you OR out of nowhere in less than two weeks she's in love and this time does commit to a girlfriend/boyfriend thing, both scenarios are telling you this woman is not good and you should walk away from her.

 

Did you do something wrong?, I don't know, perhaps maybe you could be more alert next time you meet a person, if certain "minor" things don't seem right chances are you don't want anything to do with that girl. I know it's impossible to really get to know a person even after many months but it can save you a lot of heartache to spot people who are only going to bring problems in your life.

 

I think you already know everything you have to about her, she's bad news, you'll meet other girls you're going to like, there's no reason to keep investing in a girl with so little understanding and absolutely no respect towards others and even herself.

 

Good luck.

[Ragnar85]

She met the guy shortly before going to Europe, I'd say about 4 or 5 days. To my knowledge she didn't have any communication with him while in Europe, as she didn't really have communication with anyone.

 

And she's not really committed to him exactly. She is, in a way, but she told me specifically that he's more like a best friend that she feels comfortable around and that I am in a very different status (as far as I can tell), much like she had a girlfriend when me and her started dating (which she told me was absolutely inconsequential and that the girl was fine with this - she still does too have the girlfriend)

 

The girl has some issues, yes and perhaps she is trouble, but I haven't liked a girl this much for her other qualities in a very, very long time (We're talking something like 3 or 4 years here). Part of the reason she told me is that she is really very confused by me, and doesn't understand me. She really, really likes me, and is really really frustrated by me at the same time, and I agree with that entirely. I feel the same way.

 

I don't want to just walk away from this girl. We're currently not talking, and I absolutely hate it. We have a great deal in common though, and while she may be troublesome, I'm not yet willing to throw in the towel.

[metrogirl]

Well if she was polyamourous before and told you that she wanted to settle down, I'm willing to bet that she just doesn't want to leave that lifestyle just yet. She probably has little to no experience being in a commited relationship.

[Cuppedia]

So basically she said you were a serious relationship but the "few days" guy was her boyfriend and not as important as you at the same time, and she also has another girlfriend, I wouldn't call her polyamorous just in desperate need of validation from different people and perhaps, once she has their attention she loses interest and looks elsewhere.

 

It has taken more than 20 years for some people to meet a special person in their lives, if it's been 5 or 10, why the hurry?, you should only hope about finding it not necessarily creating one out of parts you thought this girl had.

 

Some people, for various reasons, do prefer to keep putting time, work and effort in something that may already be over and don't mind the outcome as long as it's not saying "It's the end" and that's of course an option and even if you can't expect a different result from doing the same it's understandable you want to walk away only when you are ready.

 

I can still suggest you to be very aware of how much you want to give/tolerate, also right now the girl is not talking to you, we don't know if it's permanent or how many times you are going to deal with the same thing in the future and when will it be the last time so it's going to be better for you if you are prepared (as much as possible) for a very difficult situation.

 

And remember accepting a loss is not a defeat, it's how nature and this world works, nothing is permanent and nothing lasts forever.

 

Whatever happens I hope things turn out well for you.

[Ragnar85]

Well we weren't ever explicitly in any serious relationship. However she kept telling me that she wasn't into anything meaningless right now, she really just wanted to put something on a firm ground and not play around. At times she expressed a fear that I was only interested in sex from her. She seemed to be dating me exclusively for over a month and a half (technically she had her GF, but as I said she said this was entirely inconsequential and she didn't even see her much during this period) and she even told me that another guy whom she had deeply cared for at one point had approached her recently and said he wanted to get back together with her, but that she turned him down because she wanted to see how things went with me.

 

She told me that about a week before she left for Europe. About 4 or 5 days after she got back from Europe, she tells me she has a boyfriend. I was shocked, and tell her that that's not so cool with me, because I wanted to date her. She tells me that she's not in that place now and only wants to date casually and that she wants to see how things turn out and that she fears that if me and her date seriously, she is afraid that even if we start out with dating other people too, she feels I will eventually want to move more seriously than her, and that she'll really care for me by that time, and that she'll get very hurt because she won't be ready.

 

The next day, she'd gone out with friends and was a little bit tipsy, and I was very tired (and I act odd when tired) and so I press her to open up, and she seems to want to, but seems very afraid of me and tells me that she can't open up to me and that she doesn't know me yet.

 

Over the week I keep trying to get her attention and push harder as I'm thinking she wants me to try harder or something, but then this past Thursday she tells me that I'm pushing too hard, and she feels we're not compatible because we keep misunderstanding each other.

 

And then she has to go, and we agree to have a conversation about it later, and it's now Sunday, and we haven't been talking.

[Cuppedia]

Let's leave aside the theory that she's messed up and you should run towards the opposite direction.

 

She changed her mind and now doesn't want to get serious with you because she has doubts about things working and the like, what can you do?.

 

Don't pressure her and give her space to think about the situation for a while, if she's still interested there's a big chance she will let you know and you can then ask if she's after getting to know each other more or just being in touch from time to time, ask just once and then decide on your own if it's something you are okay with.

 

Let's say a couple of weeks have passed and you don't hear from her then maybe you can try getting in touch and ask if anything has changed.

 

You can only work with what you have, if she no longer wants anything serious don't question her, respect her decisions and let things flow.

[Ragnar85]

That's what I was thinking too. That being said - I'm not exactly just sitting around doing nothing either. I am starting to talk to other women now.

 

I was going to give her either a week or two, though not sure how long, and then try to contact her. We used to talk on AIM while at work (we both have student jobs which require very little effort and thus we have a great deal of time to do absolutely nothing) and she hasn't blocked me on that or anything, and the last time I DID speak to her, she merely seemed very confused. She said she felt we weren't compatible, but the majority of what I heard was that she was just very very confused - both about me - she seems ambivalent about me. She likes me a lot but she doesn't like quite a bit about me and I confuse her. I think she's also confused about what she wants right now.

 

Part of me thinks that she doesn't really know what she wants, and that my pressure was just unneeded (but not entirely unexpected - if you're basically starting a serious relationship with a guy and then you just completely run the other way after a vacation, I think it's justifiable for guy to act a bit weirded out) for the situation. I want to give her some time, let her think about things, and honestly if she wants to take a step back with me, slow down and see where things go, that's fine with me. Honestly I could see us as having moved too fast in some aspects (but barely at all in others).

[Ragnar85]

Hrm, so she apparently ignored me, at least on AIM - which I find somewhat odd as I see no particular reason to do it today as opposed to any other day.

 

And now she is not ignoring me (formally), though we're still not talking. Honestly, this seems somewhat petty and silly, to me.

 

And she is ignoring me again (as in, using her services)

 

This is rather odd, I think. She intentionally unblocked me for something like 4 or 5 hours today, and then did so again. Ah well, I will concentrate on other things now. This can be examined at a later time.

[lady00]

I doesn't sound like you did anything. It just sounds like she met a new guy and became more interested in him than in you. She had a cowardly way of going about it and that's unfortunate.

 

I must say this though--a month and a half is not a long time to be dating someone. In the early days of a relationship, things are very volatile and you need to be very careful not to get attached that early on, especially when you are not exclusive with the person.

[Whiskers]

I think the re-examining at a later date is the best idea you have. Since you can't pin point the problem and neither can she, maybe distance will take it one way or the other?

Be strong

 

XXXX

[Ragnar85]

Oh I completely agree that the time span was not long. I was relatively surprised I liked her so much in the short span that I was seeing her. That's very rare for me.

 

And yea, I've basically not talked to her for several days (I haven't actually talked to her since Thursday - I did send her a short message on Friday and a longer one on Saturday as we had agreed to talk). I'm thinking about possibly talking to her tomorrow, but keeping it light.

 

She obviously is still thinking about me in some regard if she is continually ignoring and unignoring me though, and I am not really sure what that would indicate.

 

The worst problem is that we haven't really talked in person (except the once, briefly while she was at work) much since she got back, only online, and that doesn't work the best for deep discussions.

[Ragnar85]

Hrm, I am ready to make contact now I think. I think I may have actually waited too long.

 

How should I start? Should I start heavy? I'm thinking light would be better, just like a "Hey, how are you" or some such?

 

Should I message her today? She has a date for later today apparently (Or so her facebook said)

 

I could just walk up to her work but I don't think that'd work all that great.

[Whiskers]

I hate to break it to you Ragnar, but her actions scream of backing off and you're in danger of getting really hurt.

If she's advertising that shes going on a date, through facebook, then she wants people to know and possibly thinks it will do the job for her. What she needs to do is tell you outright if she wants anything to do with you or not.

She ignores you on and off, leaves you in a constant state of confusion and doesn't have the balls to say of what she needs to, to you face.

If you must get in contact with her, I'm doubting the heavy approach will get you anywhere, that maybe the casual might be better.

Good luck and don't stop talking to other girls

XXXX

[Ragnar85]

Eh I did talk to her. She apparently had a shift of opinion in Europe, which explains why she went from being very close to being very distant.

 

Meh.

 

I think it's ridiculous.