To call or not to call

[lenny_18]

I recently fell in love with somebody online who use to be my next door neighbor.We haven't met for more than 10 years and we bump into each other in our hometown's website.We both live in different states now.He said he had a long time crush on me when we were still teenagers.We corresponded for about 2 months before we fell inlove and had an online and tel. relationship for about 2 mos.Thing is we are both married now with kids but both our marriages is not really doing well when we met.I felt he was getting cold with me.There was lesser calls and lesser emails.I tried to talk it ut with him and he reassured me that he loves me very much.I'm sure that at some point he really did love me but I had doubt about it recently.Impulsively I sent him an email telling him that I can't be happy with our relationship becase I wanted more from him.He did not respond my email and all we had after that was a short chat where he thanked me for everything.It really hurt because I really love him and I think I want him back.Do you think I should call?

[The Morrigan]

Ok... you're probably not going to like what I have to say but...

 

You're both still married, with kids involved. I think it would be a far better idea to spend your effort figuring out if your marriages are salvageable or not, and dealing with that decision first - with your partners, and getting an idea of what your futures are there, before you consider taking this any further. It's hard enough dealing with ONE relationship and figuring out where it's going, trying to deal with two at a time sets you up for failure, generally speaking. Even if you both decided to leave your spouses - the baggage from this starting when you were both still married will follow you, whether it's in the form of bitter separations from your spouses, or lack of trust when it starts creeping into your head in YOUR less than perfect times that if it happened once, could it happen again? There are reasons very few affairs end up with happy endings, and moreso when you're both still married.

 

Take a deep breath, step back for a minute, and really evaluate realistically where you think you're going now, and where you want to go in the future. Then sit down with your husband and talk to him about it honestly, even if there's no resolution there, at least you'll have the benefit of dealing with it upfront and concentrating all your efforts on that for the sake of your kids, whether you decide to stay married or not.

 

Best of luck to you, sometimes there are no easy answers, only ones that don't make things more tangled than they already are.

[Mar]

Not to sound repetitive, but the Morrigan is quite right. You're conveniently leaving out the main matter, that being that you're both married. Regardless of the status of happiness, this whole thing is wrong until you come to a conclusion about your spouses and children first.

 

Before you worry about what your new "friend" might have to say, or be trying to say, how about considering that he may be trying to tell you in a roundabout way that he's realized the error of this relationship and that he should perhaps work on his marriage first? And, as far as that goes, you should be considering it too. Are the problems insurmountable? Have you tried every possible approach in making this marriage and family unit work? Remember your vows? Sorry, cheap shot, but effective, because I've found that most people tend to forget them when a situation like this comes up, and they're the most important thing to remember!

 

Instead of concentrating so hard on this man, why not concentrate on your husband?

 

Impulsively I sent him an email telling him that I can't be happy with our relationship becase I wanted more from him

 

What's missing here? I'd say you're being a bit selfish/unfeeling towards your husband and child/children, AND his, in only wanting more for yourself. Have you given no thought to what this will do to both of your families? Are you willing to blithely write off working on your family, possibly destroy his, because your life isn't satisfactory to you?

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but again: YOUR FAMILY COMES FIRST. As should his to him. Beyond that, if you're going to carry this on, it should be with both parties no longer with their families, and even then, there will always be the shadow in the background that both of you threw away your families for this. I'd think about this long and hard!

 

Mar

[heffie]

hm. Well, let's see.........long distance friendship, marriages, kids........do you really know what this guy was feeling? Perhaps he was just looking for a friend to talk to? Sometimes us guys do that, you know.

 

I agree, I think you'd better back up, think about what you're doing, and ask yourself how much of what you were reading into emails between friends was "love" or just "got a minute to listen".

 

You made a commitment, and one that I don't consider one to be lightly made. I would guess that if you're looking so hard for love in a place that it probably didn't exist, that you'd better examine your home life a bit closer, and see how much of that is just you, and how much is real. I've been there, I know it's not easy to look at yourself and your actions that closely.

 

Aside from that, jumping from a marriage to an affair is not the way to go. You'll only wind up losing both your husband AND your friend, and gain nothing.

[lenny_18]

Thanks for your advice it somehow cleared my mind off from this tangle of emotions.I think I just needed to hear things from another person to help things that I already know sink into my mind.Thanks.