Do some women invite obsession?

[anon001]

are there girls who invite obsession/stalkerish/serious crush type relationships? I've had 4 separate mammoth life ruining crushes on 3 girls (one was a relapse) I want to know what the behavior is I should look out for. I've been friend zoned a lot but with these specific people it has hurt so much that I become obsessive erratic, depressed, suicidal, and non functional. I went through a long period of happiness. I thought the childish part of my life was over until I met of these people six years after and I fell back in love with her and the same thing happened. I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN things had changed. apparently she was too.

 

I don't mean to blame these women. What I'm saying is that a relationship between any two human beings is composed of two peoples actions, emotions and feelings. I know I need to be a better person. the idea of this post is that alcoholics know to stay away from bars. I don't think its proper to stay away from women, so I think it would be good to identify what these girls have in common

 

 

What do I look out for?

How do I get over it in a healthy manner?

Is there a name for it?

A google search term?

Further reading?

[karvala]

Well you're not going to like this, but you need to hear it anyway: The common factor in these obsessions is not the particular girl or necessarily the type of girl, it's you. Undoubtedly there will be some patterns of behaviour or personality that will trigger it in you (most commonly obsessions are developed around girls who are popular, happy but in some sense outsiders; people who to you represent a better world), but really you must think of the problem as belonging to you, rather than externalise it to something out there that can be avoided, because sadly it can't. You can get better, though, with help.

 

Recommended reading would start with "Obsessive Love" by Susan Forward. It's an easy read, and if you recognise yourself in there, it'll also give you pointers on where this is coming from, and what to do about it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

women who tend to get a lot of obsessers usually are very nice and smile a lot.

 

The guy takes the niceness personally and believes that the girl likes them. So, even though the girl is just being her nice self, she is giving mixed signals to the guy.

[Luke Skywalker]

I think you have a case of Limerance on some girls ...

 

link removed

 

That defination should properly describe it. The best analogy is there is some sort of undercurrent that takes you with them when the water is appearing fine and you are being swept away.

 

In answer to your question, these girls present some sort of pecularity to you that you are attracted to, some sort of deep mystery about them that resonates with you and that you identify with and brings out some side of you that you like expressing with them and feel that she will understand and connect with. They typically have guy friends, best friends, etc... and will probably be attracted to the bad boy type of guys while you end up being friendzoned while thinking that there may be potential down the road. For me -- I like Twilight Zone / weird stuff, and I feel like I'm going into the Twilight Zone or something with these types of girls.

 

The last Limerance I had was a while ago (2006 to be precise), but it's faded down now to just abstract textbook material, no emotions on it anymore, such as I've presented above.

[anon001]

I think you have a case of Limerance on some girls ...

 

link removed

 

 

 

 

 

Holy hell that is me. Thank you so much for posting that, Luke. Are there steps to get over this somewhere? do you have recommended further reading?

[anon001]

I spent a morning on the train thinking of how to tell her, or how to show her. then at the end of train ride, she text messaged me something very positive.

 

that I was beaming for the rest of the day. just absolutely ecstatic. so sure she felt like i did. I actually ended up scaring off a blind date with a flavor confidence that was unprecedented to me. in fact I would say it's the exact opposite from me.

 

just that one little thing turned my entire week into absolute bliss

 

 

I'm sorry... this is so exciting to know that there is a **Slightly** more innocent word for my situation then "stalker" or "predator"

 

I mean I've always been made to feel immoral, disgusting or freakish for liking these girls for so long. At least I can chalk it up to deeply misguided rather than stalker or potential rapist.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Nothing is better than being in love when both people feel it, but if there is a huge disceprancy between feelings, or one person doesn't want the other person to feel that way it can be scary for the object of the love.

 

I have had two different guys obsessed with me and it is either annoying or terrifying when they didn't leave me alone, depending on how they were acting. I was just being friendly so wasn't encouraging either one (not after the first friendliness anyway).

 

Most girls are not taught to be assertive, in fact the reverse. Girls think they have to be 'nice' to be considered a good person. So they may have trouble asserting to a guy that they are really not interested and want him to go away. So you may be focusing on girls who have a hard time rejecting you, and you take that as meaning they are accepting you.

 

You need to get some therapy to learn to recognize the clues that your attentions aren't wanted, and accept and respect that. From the sound of it, you get very carried away, and then when rejected because you are obsessed, it brings up all kind of abandonment issues which you can only deal with in therapy, not by continuing the obsession or transferring it to a new girl.

 

You also need to learn exactly what stalker behavior is, and commit to never doing any of it again. It is hard to get a grip on feelings sometimes, but a bit easier to learn and recognize what behavior is not appropriate, and commit to never doing those stalkerish things again. If you stop the behavior, it is easier to control your thoughts and feelings.

 

There is a good book called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker who is an expert at protecting people from stalkers. It talks a lot about the behavior and how to detect a person is a problem. It is written for victims, so that they can recognize a person who is obsessive, avoid becoming the object of obsession, and protect themselves. If you become a stalker, it would help you read it to recognize those patterns in yourself and stop it.

 

But the point is too that these girls aren't 'causing' your stalker feelings or behavior. They may be being friendly or start out in a relationship and get scared and change their minds when you get obsessed. Then it is hard for them to stop you, and you may not be listening or agreeing to stop. They don't know what to do about it, and you are determined to do it whether they like it or not.

 

So you need to learn respect for other people's boundaries and recognize that they have a right to say no, and if they say no, then you need to recognize it is not healthy to continue to focus on them and you should just leave them alone. You also might have a biochemical component to this obsession, so therapy and diagnosis is really important here.

 

Best of luck! I'm glad you are recognizing that obsession can actually wreck relationships, not build them. Get some treatment for that, and you can then find a real enduring love that is healthy.

[anon001]

Be Strong Be Happy.

 

I think I may have given the wrong impression when I said stalker.

 

first of all. The subjects of my behavior never ever ever have needed protecting. stalking is defined as "the willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing of another person" Never ever ever ever would I do something in this category. I'm sorry I used the word. I am a hyper respectful and ethical human being by anyones standards. If a woman has ever felt threatened by me, it's because I sometimes have very poor communication skills. to rectify this, I usually go into a huge explanation dissecting the intention, the words and her interpretation. I've found that works best with me because sometimes I can't get it accross in the moment.

 

I've seen therapists for most of my life. I ended up a woody allen. falling over himself trying to fix himself and never living a lick of life. In fact, I think I might be more successful with women if I wasn't so self conscious. It constantly gets in the way of me acting on my toes and saying something funny or slick.

 

I'm not saying therapy is a bad thing. I'm saying I've been to quite a few therapists during the 7 or so years I've had the problem. sometimes I went a few times a week. Not one gave me any insight into actually repairing my problems. It made me feel real intellectual and introspective. but it didn't help.

 

I really dig what your saying about a girl being to nice or no weak to tell you to screw off. The girls I've been interested in have been girls who have personalities which are compatible with guys. They do the "I hate how girls do.. " and "can't we all just hang out..." attitude. To me, this means that they've taken the criticism of "girls are catty" to heart early on. That leaves a door open for me to latch on to something.

 

 

 

And to be clear. I am well aware that the problem lies with me. I've said it before. It's just not what I asked about. I'm not dodging, I'm just asking about a small part of my problem