And now it starts

[Anachronism]

In about two hours, my wife of 11 years and my five-year-old son will leave the house. She will drive him to her parents' house, which is several hundred miles from here. And she will return in a couple of days, pack everything up, find a new place.

 

Four days ago, I thought I was in a troubled, but loving relationship. We were in a rut, didn't know how to make each other happy. I could see she was depressed and losing interest in activities she used to love.

 

We had talked about two weeks earlier, and she said she had thought about divorce, but was mostly unhappy. I agreed to work seriously on issues that bothered her. She said she wanted to seek counseling. I felt we were making progress, though we had a long road ahead.

 

Lately, she has thrown herself completely into a forum following a particular music group. It's not something we share. She was always on the computer, and sometimes secretive about it. I think you know where this is headed.

 

She went out that night, which is rare. She went to a concert with a female friend from that forum. She seemed happy about it, and I thought that was great. We had been making progress, maybe she was snapping out of it.

 

Later that evening, I called her, to warn her about a severe thunderstorm headed her direction just as I figured the concert would let out. The call went to voice mail. She had a bizarre, effusive greeting on her voice mail. It just sounded suspicious. She called back a half-hour later, and had an equally suspicious reason for the voice message. She asked me to shut down her computer for the storm.

 

As I sat down to do that, I noticed a lot of new icons on her desktop. I snooped, which is something I've never done before. I found a text conversation with a guy who lives 4,000 miles away. She had just asked him if he had feelings for her. He did. They had made arrangements to talk for the first time that morning.

 

When she returned from the concert, I decided to tell her what I had seen. It's been a bad four days.

 

Until that night, she was seemingly sad, but committed. She even had initiated sex just hours before that guy called. Obviously, her heart wasn't in that, but I think she had decided to see how the emotional affair played out before telling me.

 

Since, she's been angry and abusive in a way she's never been before. She has made it very clear our relationship is over. I've done pretty much everything wrong since then, telling her how much I love her, that I can't deal with the loss, etc. Just about everything the NC advocates say not to do.

 

So, that's the situation now. I still love her, still hope for reconciliation. I see no sign that hope is reciprocated.

 

It's not that I don't deserve pain here. We were in that bad rut, and a lot of it was my fault. I'm extremely sensitive to loud noise, and I've never been good with our son. She does 99% of the child care. She stays at home, I run a business out of the home. We only really interacted positively after our son was in bed. I've concentrated more on the providing. She wanted more.

 

Her parents have a bad marriage. Her mother is bipolar, and has been hospitalized a handful of times. She is filled with hate, but her father stuck with her. Now they are senior citizens and locked into this loveless marriage. My wife says she fears that for herself more than anything. She feels right now, moving out is her "chance" in life for happiness. Maybe she's right. But despite my faults, I've always given her love and have never been abusive to her. I just haven't been able to share her joys in our son (I guess that's a form of abuse in itself).

 

Anyhow, I've gone on a long time here. I think they just got up now, and I'll probably come down from the office in a bit and see what's up (which is basically, finish packing up the car, getting a last fix from this guy on their forum, and driving off). We're still on fairly friendly terms, but in no way affectionate at this point.

 

I haven't slept in four days, except for about six hours last night when I drank myself into a near-stupor. That helped. I almost never even sip the stuff, and I'm a mellow drunk. I thought about doing that again last night, but my stomach is still very upset, and I figured it wasn't a good idea for her to leave seeing me puking and rolling on the floor.

 

So, what do I say to her now? How do I handle things when she comes back in a few days to pack and move? The last day or so, I haven't been arguing, just more asking her to take this slowly, take more time to think. She's not very receptive on that topic.

[lillie]

Sorry things have come to this,its heart wrenching watching someone pack & leave. But there isnt much more you can do. It sounds like her mind is made up. On the bright side,thie man she has been communicating with online might amount to nothing. A lot of these online relationships fall at the first fence,and if it does & she has satisfied her curiosity she may come back,who knows?

 

But it must have been hard for her doing 99% of the childcare & you being so sensitive to noise. I know someone like this,well its my dad actually,and i spend as little time with him as possible,as do his grandchildren. There must have been a way around your predicament regarding the child.

[BAGPUSS]

Hi. I dont know what to say but having just posted a message about being in love with a married man I feel terrible to hear about your own marriage hitting the rocks. Your wife seems determined that its over but dont give up hope yet. You have one thing in common - your son, so you will need to (or at least should) stay in contact for his sake. I would say to make it clear to your wife how much you love her and that no matter what you will always be there for her. Dont try to force anything or she may feel backed into a corner or more resentful but whatever problems you think you had contributing to the break up work on them. Gradually let her see you have made improvements and you never know she may agree to give it another go. Wish you the best of luck.

[Anachronism]

But it must have been hard for her doing 99% of the childcare & you being so sensitive to noise. I know someone like this,well its my dad actually,and i spend as little time with him as possible,as do his grandchildren. There must have been a way around your predicament regarding the child.

 

Yes, it was very hard on her, and that's the genesis of our problems. I think acknowledging how hard it was on her made things worse, because I felt powerless to actually change.

 

I've looked for a way around my disease all my adult life. There's no cure, unfortunately. It's not my son's fault, but it's just very physically painful to spend time around a happy, rambunctious young child. If your dad's problem is similar to mine, believe me he wants that closeness more than you can imagine, and doesn't know how.

[lillie]

Yes, it was very hard on her, and that's the genesis of our problems. I think acknowledging how hard it was on her made things worse, because I felt powerless to actually change.

 

I've looked for a way around my disease all my adult life. There's no cure, unfortunately. It's not my son's fault, but it's just very physically painful to spend time around a happy, rambunctious young child. If your dad's problem is similar to mine, believe me he wants that closeness more than you can imagine, and doesn't know how.

 

That sounds like a very tough & sad predicament to be in..With my dad it boiled down to lack of patience,i take it your situation is different. I wouldnt like to speculate on what you could do to help the situation regarding your son as i cant say i know anything about such a condition. Its just very sad that this is the outcome. I can say hand on heart though that being a mother who's partner doesnt take some of your burden on his shoulders is very very difficult. I went my own way because of this many years ago when my chidren were young,but he was also very violent..

 

Its like you are in a no win situation having such an illness and that must be so terrible Is there nothing at all you can do to address it? Your hearing problem i mean..

[jazzykat]

Hi Anachronism,

 

Welcome to ENA..

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I truly don't what to say, or what advice to give.

 

You have come to the right place for support though! -There are a lot of friendly people on these boards, including some who will have better advice then me!

 

I hope you feel better in some way, soon.

 

Take care.

 

-Jaz.

[Anachronism]

That sounds like a very tough & sad predicament to be in..With my dad it boiled down to lack of patience,i take it your situation is different. I wouldnt like to speculate on what you could do to help the situation regarding your son as i cant say i know anything about such a condition. Its just very sad that this is the outcome. I can say hand on heart though that being a mother who's partner doesnt take some of your burden on his shoulders is very very difficult. I went my own way because of this many years ago when my chidren were young,but he was also very violent..

 

Its like you are in a no win situation having such an illness and that must be so terrible Is there nothing at all you can do to address it? Your hearing problem i mean..

 

Yes, the violence would be impossible to tolerate for even a second. I'm glad I've never hit anyone for any reason in my life.

 

I've looked into it. It's just not something you cure. I wear earphones when I'm out in public, but that's not really practical when you're around family.

[Anachronism]

Hi Anachronism,

 

Welcome to ENA..

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I truly don't what to say, or what advice to give.

 

You have come to the right place for support though! -There are a lot of friendly people on these boards, including some who will have better advice then me!

 

I hope you feel better in some way, soon.

 

Take care.

 

-Jaz.

 

Thanks, Jaz.

 

She left about an hour ago. We hugged, but it was only friendly. I'm dreading her return, because she is so invested in this online relationship and she's going to be actively seeking an apartment and moving out.

 

I'm just going to be in the way, and because of my sensory problems, it's really not practical to go elsewhere.

[jazzykat]

Well I'm flabbergasted!

 

I'm sending you a friendly, but supportive, virtual hug!!

 

Do you have any friends or family close by, who could possibly stay with you for awhile?

 

Just for some company, to ease the pain and lonliness a little, and to give you some support?

 

It's just such a hard experience to have to go through alone.

[Anachronism]

Well I'm flabbergasted!

 

I'm sending you a friendly, but supportive, virtual hug!!

 

Do you have any friends or family close by, who could possibly stay with you for awhile?

 

Just for some company, to ease the pain and lonliness a little, and to give you some support?

 

It's just such a hard experience to have to go through alone.

 

Thanks so much for the hug.

 

What's truly sad about this is that in part because of my problem, I depended on her for everything. I had complete trust and love, and I allowed myself to become isolated from old friends after I began working out of my home. We've also moved to different parts of the country twice in the last ten years, and I haven't people to turn to.

 

My sister lives nearby, and she's supportive, but she's also very close to my wife.

 

A couple of nights ago, my wife removed her wedding ring and tossed it onto our living room coffee table. I left it alone. I noticed it was gone an hour ago. I actually had a brief flash of hope, so I went looking for it.

 

She had placed it in a music box that was very special to us. I had gotten it for her on a business trip - my first with the company I started. And it always represented the success we had together. It played our wedding song when opened.

 

I just put mine next to it. Feels awful not to be wearing it for the first time in 11 1/2 years.

[Anachronism]

She called a little while ago to tell me she arrived safely. And to thank me because I gave her a different route to take to avoid the severe weather along the route she had planned to take.

 

But there was no warmth in her voice, and she kept the conversation under a minute.

 

A bunch of stuff arrived today from Amazon to our account. DVDs clearly related to this guy's interests. In just a few days after first talking to him, she's already completely turned to his life. It just makes no sense.

 

I'm not sure how to proceed. Each day has been worse than the last. Without hope, I'm simply deteriorating.

[arcadefire]

Your wife seems to act very severe around you. And the fact that she is planning on a new relationship with another man does not help this situation at all.

 

Your best bet is to go into complete LC (for your child's sake). Tell her one last time you love her and need her, you don't understand what has happened, and want to make it work out. I have a feeling she'll dismiss those feelings altogether. In that case, it's best to remain strong, positive, and in full move on mode.

 

She is definitely planning to live her life without you. Don't try to understand her any longer, it will only hurt you wondering. Stay positive. Be strong.

[lillie]

Hey Anachronism,

 

How are you? Not good i presume & im sorry about that. Its a terrible thig to be going through. Just know that we are all here for YOU!!!! And im not alone saying we care ok...

[Anachronism]

Hey Anachronism,

 

How are you? Not good i presume & im sorry about that. Its a terrible thig to be going through. Just know that we are all here for YOU!!!! And im not alone saying we care ok...

 

Thanks so much for asking. I'm doing a little worse every day, sorry.

 

I left a message of support and love on her cell yesterday morning. My sister called her later, and they talked for a few minutes, but it was strained. She's very determined to separate.

 

After leaving our son with her brother, she decided to return here the next day (yesterday) to start moving out. I talked to her briefly in the evening, and she sounded upset and panicked, wouldn't stay on the phone for more than a couple of minutes.

 

She said she was stopping at a hotel on the way back. Nobody's heard anything today. I haven't tried calling. At the latest, I'd expect her back in the next hour or so given what she said last night.

 

I did call a couple of couples therapists this morning. Both said they'd be glad to see us, or just me alone or even her alone this week. Apparently, my story is a common one. That doesn't make it a particularly pleasant one.

 

I hope she's willing to see a therapist with me. I suspect she won't.

 

Meanwhile, I'm just puzzled why she felt the need to leave our son and start her trip back yesterday, when she probably didn't get far enough to make much use of today other than driving. It had to kill her to leave him - they've never spent a night away from each other before.

 

I hate letting myself hope, but I just hope she returned to her brother's last night and is taking more time to think about this. And that's making me dread the sound of the garage door.

[Anachronism]

Unfortunately, she did not turn around. She is here now, went straight to her computer and that forum, told me she'd go to a hotel if I tried to talk to her too much.

 

She has agreed to see a couples counselor, which may be progress. But from the way she said it, I think she may only be agreeing so that the counselor will tell us she doesn't think we can fix this.

[lillie]

Hi there,

 

You must be feeling the worst anyone could possible feel at this moment in time. I really feel for you. Iv been here like many ena'ers but i wasnt married to him & we didnt have children. Also he didnt do something as incomprehensible as your wife is doing. Having said that computers were not in every home back then. I cant understand why she would agree to see a couples counsellor though? I mean she has made her feeling very clear,so why would she want to do that?

My friend is treating her husband very much like this & im finding it hard to understand how matter of fact she is about is. This is waht your wife seems be,unless im wrong. I think some women just feel the need to get out there & see if there is something else for them,maybe its the monotony or something? Maybe there is more for her,maybe there isnt. But in the same breath maybe there is more for you too. It might not feel like it now but if this really does end,and you do heal (which you will) you may find that there is someone really special out there waiting to be discovered..

 

I know what im saying isnt in any way helping you at the moment, but life does go on & sometimes to better things. THIS i have experiences Anachronism..

[Anachronism]

Hi there,

 

You must be feeling the worst anyone could possible feel at this moment in time. I really feel for you. Iv been here like many ena'ers but i wasnt married to him & we didnt have children. Also he didnt do something as incomprehensible as your wife is doing. Having said that computers were not in every home back then. I cant understand why she would agree to see a couples counsellor though? I mean she has made her feeling very clear,so why would she want to do that?

 

Yes, there have been many moments when I've figured it would be a relief just to stop feeling.

 

I don't know why she agreed, but it might have something to do with the way I repeated the explanation of how the assessment process works. The counselor decides whether the relationship can be saved. She might be thinking this will prove it to me and thus justify this new relationship.

 

She is in constant contact with this guy now. She left about a half hour ago, saying she wanted to go out and get food. But I think she just wanted to call him on her cell without risk of me hearing.

 

My friend is treating her husband very much like this & im finding it hard to understand how matter of fact she is about is. This is waht your wife seems be,unless im wrong. I think some women just feel the need to get out there & see if there is something else for them,maybe its the monotony or something? Maybe there is more for her,maybe there isnt. But in the same breath maybe there is more for you too. It might not feel like it now but if this really does end,and you do heal (which you will) you may find that there is someone really special out there waiting to be discovered..

 

I know what im saying isnt in any way helping you at the moment, but life does go on & sometimes to better things. THIS i have experiences Anachronism..

 

You know, I'm not going to heal from this. I just don't think I could ever let someone in again. Because of my sensitivity issues, it's very difficult even to connect with people.

 

That's why I've isolated myself so much. My mistake, but I depend on her for everything, and it's unbearable seeing her not even willing to say two words to me.

[lillie]

You wont even begin to contemplate healing now,but you will. Have you ever been on your own? Like before you were married?

 

I too have problems connecting with people,well not connecting,staying connected is my problem,for health issues too. But what this has done is made me find myself,who i am,what i want,what i dont want,and to choose carefully. There is such a thing as a happy ending. But no one is going to make that hit home for you whilst you are going through this. There are many stages to this,and you have many stages to work through sadly. If this is truly what your wife wants,no matter how abhorant to you,you are just going to have to deal with it,grieve,deal with it some more,grieve some more,find yourself,and eventually the pain will start to subside,but you have to accept it for what it is. You just cant change a persons mind when they have moved on,as my friends husband is finding out..

 

I was madly,deeply in love with the man who left me & il be honest with you it took me 2 or 3 years to get over him properly but i did,hand on heart totally..

[Anachronism]

You wont even begin to contemplate healing now,but you will. Have you ever been on your own? Like before you were married?

 

Yes, at times. I had two three-year relationships before this. The first in college, and jobs caused the long-distance strain. Then one who became my fiance. She left suddenly. Both hurt tremendously, but I always saw hope for the future, and recovered in a few months.

 

There are many stages to this,and you have many stages to work through sadly. If this is truly what your wife wants,no matter how abhorant to you,you are just going to have to deal with it,grieve,deal with it some more,grieve some more,find yourself,and eventually the pain will start to subside,but you have to accept it for what it is. You just cant change a persons mind when they have moved on,as my friends husband is finding out..

 

There's just only so much pain someone can take. I understand what you're saying, but I was so confident I had found my life partner that this has just torn me in a way I won't recover. I'll never be able to trust again.

[Sparkie]

Hi mate,

 

I know there's not much that anyone can say to take away the pain. But keep coming to ena. People here really do care. I've been in your shoes, with a 14 year marriage ending, and feeling totally isolated in a new country with no family or friends around for support. It was just so lonely. I found there was no point in projecting forward and wondering how you'll cope in the future. You can't possibly know. All you can do, is get through today. It was so hard though, and I really do feel for you.

 

Maybe your wife has had a slow, steady build up of resentment towards her situation. Maybe her feelings of isolation from adult company, being the primary child carer, and feeling more and more disconnected from you, have led to this. Maybe her coldness towards you is her way of staying strong, so she can do something she needs to do.

 

If she needs to change her life so she feels happier, more supported, and connected to a partner, she will obviously be attracted to anyone that appears to offer that, even if its online. I think its just her way of justifying to herself that she is worthy of support and care. She knows deep down you love her and support her, she just doesn't 'feel' it. So she switches you off, and convinces herself that the other guy is a viable option.

 

I don't know what you should do or say to her. Other than to be honest with her. If you make it to counselling, then all you can do I suppose, is show her that you can rekindle her feelings of being supported by you, so she can allow herself the option of staying with you. At the moment, it doesn't sound like she can do this, because she probably feels that she would be letting herself down.

 

I'm thinking of you mate. Hang in there.

[Anachronism]

Thanks, Sparkie. I think that's an accurate assessment. I've tried to put myself in her shoes, and she may well be there.

 

We have the intake appointment tomorrow. I asked if she wanted to go out to dinner tonight (less pressure in public) just to connect a little rather than work on issues, and she said, "I don't think I'm up for that."

[Anachronism]

We'll be headed out for the counseling session this afternoon.

 

Since last night, she has been more friendly to brief conversations, though I haven't tried bringing up any relationship issues. My sense is that would be the wrong move. I think we have to just dive in right in front of the counselor and see where the chips fall.

 

I'm not sure how to read her friendly behavior. Is it because she's now comfortable with her decision to leave, and simply remembers how much we meant to each other for 12 years? In which case she'll use the session to convince the social worker there's no love left for me.

 

Or is it because she's pleased that I haven't reacted violently (I never have in my life) or vindictively and have taken responsibility for many of the problems in our relationship and is looking forward to the session herself?

 

All I know is that she's still spending nearly every spare second on her computer talking to the people on her music forum.

 

I came down this morning, and she was making coffee and talking to our son on the phone. I decided not to hover, grabbed a breakfast bar, kissed her on the top of the head, told her to say hi for me and left the room. She didn't recoil or look angry, but she didn't make eye contact, either.

 

Last night, she told me she appreciated my giving her some space and letting her think. I hate having too much hope, but the words "letting me think" sound so much better than what I was hearing a few days ago.

[Anachronism]

Sorry to quadruple post here, or whatever I'm doing.

 

We got back from the counselor a little while ago. Yesterday, my wife had suggested that we get dinner afterward. Today has definitely been a major step back.

 

In an hour, we really didn't cover a lot. It wasn't terribly emotional, either. I definitely got the impression she wasn't looking for anything. When the therapist told her at the end of the session that she needed to give up this guy to move forward, she just looked uncomfortable.

 

She did agree to the separate counseling sessions that are the second part of the initial assessment. However, she's been buying some expensive toys, and she was on that damned music forum within five minutes of leaving.

 

I hate the internet. And people who think you can fall in love over email.

[CatsMeeoow]

 

I hate the internet. And people who think you can fall in love over email.

 

I so second and third that!!!!!!!!!!

[Sparkie]

Try not t read too much into the session. Difficult I know. She may have had months or years building up to this, and one hour with a stranger isn't going to convince her of anything. Like you, me, and everyone on this forum, we seek out people who understand our situation, and support what we are feeling. Her forum provides that for her, so she will gravitate to it. Anyone who goes against what she thinks right now (you, counsellor) is mistaken in her eyes. So she will be resistive of that.

 

She needs to see you as strong and supportive, because she doesn't perceive you as being that at the moment. Make sure she knows you understand why she feels like she does, and that you acknowledge your contribution to that. Let her see you take her seriously, and be strong about it. Support her decision, give her some space, and truly work on how things could be different in the future.

 

And then fall apart when she can't see or hear you. Do it on ena. We're all in similar boats!

 

She's probably convinced herself you're not a viable option. Sow the seed of doubt, and then pull back. Just my thoughts. If I knew what to do, I wouldn't be here!!

 

Cheers mate