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feeling the blues again


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Well it's been a while since I've felt kinda depressed like I do now. It just feels like nothing I do I do well. I try new things, start getting good at those, then I reach certain point and never get any better no matter what. Like I get stuck in that mediocre level where I'm not a novice anymore, but I'm sure as hell not good at it either. To make things worse, all the people I knew are away for the summer. I've got my family and I love them, but to be honest I'd rather spend more time with friends, cause even though I love my family and they're more important to me than any friend could ever be, I just feel like I've got nothing in common with them. Always the same 2 topics of conversation, and they're all so fixated on the same meaningless goal (all my siblings are all "yeah let's go lift some weights" for instance. I just didn't think ALL of them would be like that. It's like we're being brainwashed). As a 15-17 y/o I used to be like that too, but I'm just glad I changed.


I don't say anything, anything at all. It's my right to be different, it's their right to all be the same. Wish everybody realized there are more important things to do in so very short time. My goal is to live right now, knowing that someday when I'm like 50 I'll be looking back and be able to say "those were the days, man." Everybody likes to be young because there are certain things you can only do when you're young (like having time to "waste" in your own way). For instance, I've said before that I want to be in a band. I've jammed with other people already a bunch of times. Only one of them seems to be pretty constant and he's never complained about my ability with my instrument. Yet I feel I could be better and don't think I'd be good enough to play live and wish I could be better, so I practice whenever I get the chance (which is more often now than it was during the spring semester, since I'm taking like half the amount of classes... sometimes I practice for like 3 hours in a night, after I'm done with studying), yet I don't seem to get better. It's the only thing I feel passion for, yet it's not enough...


It makes me feel like I suck. You know how there's kids who hate math. They don't do so well. That's understandable to me, because they don't enjoy it, but if they did the would be good at it. But for me, I enjoy it more than anything else, yet I suck at it, lol.


I dunno. I just can't give up, though... I just got sick of being the same as everybody else, sick of the same routine which had become a chore, and instead of, for instance, just going to the gym to try to look "better", I picked up a sport I like with the goal being having fun rather than just "improving" my physique. I'm a bit happier, but in the end, it's like I don't have anything to show for it, you know? I have my good days when I feel I did pretty well, then there are the bad days when I just feel I sucked. I try to take the latter as motivation to get better, but I dunno... Maybe I just gotta give it time.

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Hi Stinkweed,


It's in large part based on your mindset. Developing a deeper connection to the things you enjoy doing can take a long time. You do have to be patient, but not as a waiting game, just as a determined commitment to being present with what the resources you have right now. If you are looking for complete satisfaction in some kind of hobby, you will not achieve it. It may add an enjoyable quality to your life, but we are fully capable of feeling complete and whole as we are.


To conclude, some food for thought- a quote by Zen Master Dogen Zenji:

[...] If you can not find the truth right where you are,

where else do you expect to find it?

Be well.
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