Coping Strategies Needed

[Th3 Cr0w]

(I know this is a little lengthy, which I hope won't drive away replies because I really need anything right now.)

 

Well. My relationship of about four years got put on hold recently. She wanted to take a break. I didn't. But, if thats what she needed, I felt participating in it would be my way of fighting for things. Generally we had a great relationship, all major issues caused my outsiders and nothing between us. So it's all kind of a shock. I mean, when the time was right, I was going to shop for a ring for her.

 

Anyway, I'm in the middle of the break, just about a month in (out of two). Really the first week was terrible. One of the rules of the break is that we can't communicate or see each other in anyway. Exception being each of us getting to call one another once a month. Now less than two weeks in she broke that rule and sent me an e-mail and I hesitantly (for wanting this to work) replied and we talked back and forth for awhile. On top of that in her first e-mail she spoke about how she couldn't go cold turkey and that two calls a month was more like a guideline.

When replying to her mail, I've been throwing off time, not replying right away because I felt doing so would defeat the purpose. Well I sent her a long reply e-mail this past saturday night, followed by a short one the next day with some important news I had to tell her. She gave me a two sentence reply to the short e-mail and still nothing on the long one. Oh and despite what she has said, she hasn't called me once either. I want to call her but close friends and family feel that she already broke down and e-mailed me so I should wait it out and let her call me, since she was the one that wanted all this.

 

Now, getting to the point this past week has been the most unbearable yet. At this moment I feel like there is a this hole inside of me and it just gets bigger and darker. I just want to see her again, kiss her, be embraced.. anything. I've had a dream about her every night in a row since sunday night.

I'm a huge stress ball and already missed work this week because of it. I just don't know what to do with myself at all. So, do any of you have suggestions on what to do, or how to cope? I'll take any questions, thanks.

[melrich]

My first question is why would you agree to all of this? That seems to be madness. What is supposed to happen on the 60th day? You are reunited and start playing happy families again?

 

Seems to me that you two are afraid to confront your problems.

[Th3 Cr0w]

She was unsure. This, person she knows. Wasn't sure what feelings she was having for this person meant. So, she felt it unfair to be with me until she figured it out. Thats the whole point of the break for her is to sort her life out. This year has taken from both of us in great amounts, so she wanted time to pull herself together and focus things.

 

I agreed because I felt that even if its suffering, that it is my way to fight for what I want. I could have forced her into a decision, but I think that predictably she would have just got scared and ended everything. I felt that doing this was the only really option I had.

[melrich]

I felt that doing this was the only really option I had.

 

OK, I hear what you are saying. I hope it works out for you.

[arcadefire]

I think it's very unfair for someone to ask for a "break" and put the relationship on hold as if you are some back up person. That's my opinion. For me, it's either break up or work it out.

 

As for you, she asked for the break so let her have one. I personally view a break as a prolonged break up or a preempt to one so be wary. Try to not miss her (easier said than done) by hanging with friends, not talking about her, basically things that you do when you were single.

[ghost69]

sounds to me like she wants you on the backburner until she meets someone else. she's stringing you along man.

[riley123]

Is she dating this other person?

[Th3 Cr0w]

Sorry I'm a little delayed on my response everyone. Between this and work I've been really burning the candle at both ends.

 

I think it's very unfair for someone to ask for a "break" and put the relationship on hold as if you are some back up person. That's my opinion. For me, it's either break up or work it out.

 

As for you, she asked for the break so let her have one. I personally view a break as a prolonged break up or a preempt to one so be wary. Try to not miss her (easier said than done) by hanging with friends, not talking about her, basically things that you do when you were single.

I agree and you aren't the first one to pose that this isn't fair to me. Hell, she even said that herself at one point I believe

 

I've been doing my best to be social, even when I really don't want too. Like tonight, My good friend, his girl, and a group friend have all invited me to dinner. Honestly, I'd rather stay home. But, I'm going to force myself to go.

I've been doing everything I can to fight and keep a clear mind, but when I wrote that original post, it felt somewhat like instead of distracting myself, I had been bottling up all the emotion about this situation.

 

Is she dating this other person?

Honestly it was kicked around. But I don't think so, I mean, she still lists herself as 'in a relationship' with (my name) on facebook.

The thing thats really going to get you is that this person... is someone she knows strictly over the internet, at least 500 miles away.

Thats the part which gives everyone a big headache. Almost four years, serious relationship.. put on delay because of someone she hasn't even ever met. I'm really not arrogant, but I don't see how he even compares to me or anything I've done for her, or given to her.

 

sounds to me like she wants you on the backburner until she meets someone else. she's stringing you along man.

I won't try to discount your comment. But I will add that we have talked about children, moving in together, and marriage.

She was the one to bring up marriage no less. It was kinda cute because she was all embarrassed and unsure how to talk about it.

 

 

 

I vastly appreciate everyone taking time to throw in their two cents, even the littlest things are giving me some peace of mind.

[ghost69]

you are a cross roads my friend. you dated this girl since you were 18. i did the same thing. mine lasted from around 17 - 22. so 4.5 years. give or take a year for age. i forget.

 

anyways, same thing. i was so into her. she broke my heart when she broke up with me 2 years into it. we got back together a month later. i was happy. 2.5 years later, i ended it. i realized we were different people going in different directions. it was for the best. she was crushed of course, which is probably how you feel.

 

i honestly think you should look around and hit on some other girls. it will help give more perspective.

 

and yes, me and that ex we very committed. had a marriage license and everything.

[novaseeker]

Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with, but the going on break scenario where she is trying to figure out what she feels for someone else seems clearly to be an excuse for her exploring her feelings for this other guy while keeping you on the shelf. If you're willing to put up with that, then by all means do, but it doesn't seem fair at all to me.

[Rabican]

Personally... if my girl had 'unsure' feelings regarding our relationship and anything at all to do with another guy... Id simply tell her that we were over and that if she ever felt the desire to give it another shot to let me know. the kicker however, was that I would not wait around for her be it a day, or a year. Im moving on, If she wants to go for round 2, and at that time I happen to agree... fine. but If I have moved on, or decided not to... tough for her.

 

A break, is a break up... plain and simple. Now there are times, and circumstances where it may be valid... ie say shes working 2 jobs and going to school and trying to take care of her sick parents or something like that all at the same time... obviously she may not have the time to put effort into a relationship then. And you should be understanding of that. But if shes just like oh... I dunno.... maybe we should split... maybe I like this other guy.... I guess you can just give yourself an ulcer worrying over all this while I make up my mind.... yeah that sounds good. Uh.... no thats not good bro. I would simply call her up and say that I have decided that either were together or were not, period end of story. Its her call but I wouldnt wait another minute to find out.

 

And another thought, her actions seem very very immature to me. Id reconsider even wanting to work this one out bro. You may want to just move on.