Should I try to catch BF in a big lie or just let it go?

[xrayspex]

Hello everyone. I hate to come on new and not have any advice for anyone else before asking my long and embarrassing question, but I don’t have any good advice to offer anyone yet.

 

My problem is that my so-called boyfriend is a bloody liar sometimes, and I have the chance to maybe catch him redhanded this Friday but I’m not sure if I should do it or how. Recently I found some dating sites ads he had posted after he used my computer and didn’t clean up after himself. There are at least 3 that I know about now, plus he was watching some porno webcams from my house and responding to ads.

 

I didn’t say anything at the time because I couldn’t really confront him without admitting I had snooped in my own computer after he left and I was ashamed (I know, I shouldn’t have probably) so I decided to wait and watch what he does next. I don’t know why, but I have a problem with confrontation. So a couple days ago he told me this big long story about how one of his professors had arranged a full day of job interviews for him this Friday and that he probably wouldn’t be around at all that day as they start early in the morning and go until night. Right away a big red liar light started going off in my head because a. he’s not a great student and I doubt they’d be pulling out all the stops to help him land a job, and b. the alleged interviews are so close together there’s no way he could get from place to place in that amount of time. He even said that the professor did his resume for him so I wouldn’t have to help him with it. I think he’s probably going off to do something he shouldn’t, but there’s still that nagging feeling that maybe I’m just being paranoid. He seems to be addicted to porn and webcams, the really dirty kind, and he’s advertising on personal sites like he’s some lonely soul looking for love and willing to spoil a woman and he even posted an ad on a single parents dating site saying he has two kids and he doesn’t have any at all.

 

So I know you might ask why even bother, just ditch him and move on. I know that’s what I should do but I can’t stop myself from wanting some kind of irrefutable proof that he would actually go through with it so that he can’t lie his way out of it and convince me he just does it to look at pics like he did before. I know I’m probably stupid. I don’t have the guts to confront him at some strange woman’s house or anything, but I have to KNOW for sure.

 

Should I stake out his apartment Friday or what? I feel like a fool even asking I guess I need to work on my self esteem.

[Clementine orange]

It would make you an evil, sneaky, suspicious, low self esteem girl. To stake out his apartment would be a total violation of his personal privacy and just plain mean....

 

But you know what?

 

I'd do it...totally...no questions asked....I'd need to know for sure.

[metrogirl]

Well if you are not the confrontational type, how would you go about telling him that he got busted?

 

Are you just looking for proof that he is a cheat so that you can walk away from the relationship. If knowing what you know already hasn't proved to you that the intention is there, I don't really know what good having the actual proof will do.

 

How long have you been with him and have you ever had reason to suspect something in the past?

[xrayspex]

We've been together for 8 years and yes, we've had a few problems in the past. It was mostly his ass-like behavior while drinking and his frequent lies. I don't really know how I'll confront him if I do catch him, I actually hadn't thought of that. I'm not sure I'm going to do it anyway because I don't like snooping, but I also feel a need to protect myself from any diseases he might bring home to me. I love him, I don't know why, but I'd not ready to give up my health for him.

[chasey]

Low self esteem and insecurities can do alot of damage to relationships and it's really hard not to let your mind wander. But in order to have a healthy relationship with someone you have to be able to trust them.

 

What does your gut say? When you really stop and put all insecurities aside and think about it do you really feel he would cheat?

 

He could very well have interviews on friday, maybe not as many as he says, but could still be quite busy (maybe exagerating the number to make himself look better).

 

I think at this point you have to try to trust him a little. Keep your eyes open at the same time, but try not to "stake out his apartment" or check up on him.

[xrayspex]

My gut says he's lying, and it's hard to convince it otherwise and give him the benefit of the doubt. He's lied to me so much in the past, but says he's over that now. How do I know for sure he's "over that". One thing that happened a couple years ago is we were talking on the phone one night and he got another call. He asked me to wait so I did. When he came back on he said he had to go, his friend was having a relationship crisis and his wife had left him and he had to go talk to him before he did something stupid. I said okay, not even suspicious, and the next time I saw his friend I casually asked if he was doing better and he had no idea why I was asking. Turns out he had not called my boyfriend at all and there was no relationship crisis. I never did get an answer out of boyfriend, he just kept insisting that his story was true. His sister even ragged him right in front of me about being passed out on the bathroom floor drunk when she got up in the morning to go to work. Ugh...now that this is finally coming out I feel like I should just bag it and not worry about what he's up to.

 

I'm a trusting person usually, it's just lately I'm finding all kinds of red flags.

[metrogirl]

Well if you are finding red flags everywhere then you need to evaluate what you want from this relationship and if it is worth the risk to stay in a relationship where you are constantly being lied to.

 

Just a quick question.......what do you mean when he says that he is "over that"?:

[xrayspex]

He said he got over the issues that caused him to lie to everyone all the time. Probably another lie huh?

[metrogirl]

Sounds like he is a pathological liar.......

 

Did he just lie about random things and events or is there previous cheating involved?

 

As far as I know, people just don't wake up and decide to place ads on personals websites. This is something that usually has gone on for awhile.

[shygirl1212]

xray - it's weird how your situation is almost identical to mine.

 

i also was in a 8 year relationship with the man i thought i would marry.

 

about 2 years ago, I was working on his computer and i found his internet dating profile (for casual dating and sexual intimacy) on his computer. i read his profile, saw the pics of girls he had contacted - i was mortified - it was like someone punched me in the stomach - i couldn't breathe, i couldn't see, i couldn't walk, i couldn't feel - i became numb. it was like I didn't know him, like i never knew him.

 

i could barely speak, i'm lucky i made it alive out of his house and walking to his work place. i told him i needed to see him - he came out - i confronted him - i told him "how could you do this?"

 

he said to me - "I did it a few years ago when we were going through a rough patch, i was lonely" - to him this was enough, this was all i needed to hear. he didn't apologize and he just ran off back to work. i stood there crying like a baby - a stranger off the street asked me if i was okay. i was hyperventilating. it was one of the worst days of my life.

 

i then became suspicious - i called him on the phone and yelled at him - he said nothing. i wanted an apology - a huge apology but it never came. instead he blamed me - said that he was lonely when we had gotten into a huge fight and he did it. He lied about the # of girls he talked to, and he lied about how often he had gone on it - When I told him I had checked all that information from his profile, he said that it was wrong and that I should believe him over the information on his internet profile.

 

We didn't talk for 3 weeks - and then something terrible happened to me and i reached out to him - I, LIKE AN IDIOT, took him back - we never addressed it, he never apologized and everytime it did come up, he blamed me, said I was overreacting and that I was a drama queen.

 

A few months after this, I discovered a bunch of porn/webcams on his computer - I mean a lot - and found out that a lot of times I called him, he had ignored my calls when he was watching this stuff and lied to me about what he was doing - said he was out or asleep - it wasn't the porn itself, it was the fact that he had cheated on me on the internet + the porn.

 

THEN, after this, all those little things he had done to me, BECAME RED FLAGS. Things I had told myself I was paranoid about, things that he told me I was overreacting to (i.e. went to his ex's party and lied to me about where he was going; constantly talking to his ex on MSN and lying to me about it). Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

STUPID ME, stayed with him 1 1/2 years after this - I'm so dumb, so idiotic, so stupid, so naive, so weak. I should have left him. He lied. He was dishonest. He HURT ME so badly and never even gave it a second thought.

 

I broke up with him 2 weeks ago and have been going NC ever since.

 

Funny, how last night I cried for him, I longed for him, and reading your post right now just reminded me of how screwy our relationship was - how the trust was broken - how we were so wrong for one another.

 

My advice to you - and only because I have been there/done that - is to leave - you *know* what is going on. The confrontation won't make you feel any better - I did it - The pain doesn't go away with the confrontation, the pain goes away once you realize what a dishonest person your partner is, and acceptance of the fact that the relationship will never be.

 

PM me if you want to as well.

[xrayspex]

I have never caught him cheating before, but I never really looked either. I always tried to respect his privacy online even though I knew he was into porn a lot...that didn't bother me, but cybersex with others does and that's what I'm worried about because I figure it will probably lead to something IRL eventually, so I find these personal ads and suddenly he comes in with a long drawn out story about why he'll me MIA on Friday and it just raises my hackles I guess. During our conversation about all the interviews he said he hopes he has enough gas to get to them all so I offered to drive him to them since I'm off that day, and he mumbled out a response of basically no, I didn't have to do that.

 

Most of the lies in the past were more about making himself out to be some bigshot when he wasn't though.

[shygirl1212]

xray read my post on page 1 of your thread - it is the last post on page 1

[xrayspex]

Thank you Shygirl You know, I know what you mean about reading another person's post wakes you up to your own situation. That's kind of what I'm feeling today as I read other posts and see what people are going through. If I was an outsider reading my own original post I'd probably say get rid of the bum!

 

Metrogirl, you are the voice of reason also. I haven't hashed it all out yet and probably won't until I agonize over it a bit more, but I'm feeling more and more like I should just not go there on Friday. It will probably eat at me but a lot is right now anyway so it won't much matter.

[shygirl1212]

Thank you Shygirl You know, I know what you mean about reading another person's post wakes you up to your own situation. That's kind of what I'm feeling today as I read other posts and see what people are going through. If I was an outsider reading my own original post I'd probably say get rid of the bum!

 

Metrogirl, you are the voice of reason also. I haven't hashed it all out yet and probably won't until I agonize over it a bit more, but I'm feeling more and more like I should just not go there on Friday. It will probably eat at me but a lot is right now anyway so it won't much matter.

 

Xray - after all the red flags, I still stayed for 1 1/2 years - but now i'm here, alone...but it took me 1 1/2 years to say "enough is enough, get the hell out"!

I don't know how long it will take before you are able to say that...

[happystrummer]

sounds like my experience...except I was stupid and stayed and forgave the cyber affairs until one day he had a real affair and left. After 10 years of waiting for commitment it never came...dont hang round like I did waiting for someone to change..it wont it gets worse cos they think they get away with it.

[shygirl1212]

sounds like my experience...except I was stupid and stayed and forgave the cyber affairs until one day he had a real affair and left. After 10 years of waiting for commitment it never came...dont hang round like I did waiting for someone to change..it wont it gets worse cos they think they get away with it.

 

Exactly - after I forgave him about lying to me about going to his ex's house for a new year's party, and then msning all night with his ex - it got worse - he resorted to sexual profiles on dating sites, webcams/porns...and who knows he could have even cheated on me in real life too. BUT happy is right - inevitably things will get bad - well they are already bad - but they will get worse. Xray, I REALLY hope that you find the strength, that *is* within you and get out for your safety, happiness, and health!

 

We are behind you 100%.

[xrayspex]

Well he's been MIA all day today and I finally got a message from him...he's asking if I can loan him the money for his rent, which was due 2 days ago. The nerve! I know for a fact he had the money tucked away over two weeks ago and has been working steadily since. I wonder what he did with it. Oh well, I'm not going to think about that. I'm also not going to give him any money, even though I have it and could if he wasn't such a wanker. This is the third or fourth time he's asked me to help him pay his bills, and he never pays me back. Maybe I should be hoping he's going to meet someone Friday rather than worrying about it, then he can find someone else to pay his bills while he plays around. His * * * * * * * -ness knows no bounds apparently.

 

I'm being used, aren't I?

[metrogirl]

He probably used his rent money to pay the monthly charges on those adult websites.

[xrayspex]

ARGHHHHHHHHHH you're probably right. He'll be over with his puppydog eyes hinting around at being evicted and waiting for me to take the bait. I wish he didn't have a key to my place, I'd really like to avoid him for a couple days at least.

[shygirl1212]

OMG - my ex used to ask me to "borrow" $$$ too and wouldn't pay me back until I nagged him about it, and even then I wouldn't get it all back and it would take months!!!

 

xRAY - I am telling you - I was exactly where you are....look at me now...after 1 1/2 years of trying to make it work, and believing him, I am NC for 2 weeks now

[xrayspex]

I think I've decided to just forget about it and move on. He's been coming around and being very attentive yesterday and today but when he was over last night he went into yahoo personals and replied to someone's ad. He hasn't asked me for the dress clothes he has stored in my closet yet and the last time he had an interview he drove me crazy obsessing about what he was going to wear and making sure it was all pressed and everything. He has nothing but grungy work clothes at his apartment and he's not coming over tonight. It's pretty obvious that he's just a jerk, especially going into personals right after coming over and eating my food and snuggling with me. On MY computer even. I feel like a fool.

 

I think I just might not say anything to him at all and then this weekend when he comes over, tell him I need space and think we should see other people, not that I plan to but part of me wants to take a jab at him before he outright cheats on me, and I'd love for him to see what it feels like to be the one who isn't wanted anymore.

[metrogirl]

He actually had the gall to respond to someone's ad on your computer? The nerve!!!!!

 

I'm glad you want to move on.....I see train wreck written all over this relationship.

 

Might I just add that he was more than likely cozying up to you because he is waiting for the right time to ask for the money to pay his rent or his adult website accounts. Either way, you don't need all this crazyness in your life and I truly wish you the best.

[xrayspex]

Thanks Metrogirl. Yeah, it sucks. I'm trying to not care but I don't feel so good today. I hope not seeing him until at least Saturday will give me enough time to get good and mad instead of feeling sick. I need to think of what to say that will be to the point and subtle without enraging him, but will leave him feeling like a kicked dog for a while.

[TruBluGurl]

First, Shygirl1212, congrats on your 2 weeks! What you're doing is so incredibly hard and I wish you the best of luck staying away from him long enough for the emotions to fade. You KNOW you're doing the right thing and months from now - it WILL be better.

 

About this cyber-sexing, personal ad posting sleazebag - I am genuinely sorry you fell in love with him. You do not need to 'see' if he'll 'actually go through with it. You know you don't want someone who's claiming to love you posting personal ads to meet other women at all. You have all the proof you need all ready. Really.

 

He is not committed to you and your relationship. You've given it time and effort. It hasn't worked. Why? You'll never really know/understand. You can't. It's in his head and will stay there. Accepting that is so incredibly, terribly, horribly difficult I know. You need to start working on getting closer to the place where you can leave. Scared of being alone? Been there. Worried you won't meet someone better? Know that too. Want him to FEEL what he's done to you... I am so sorry, but from what I've read - for whatever reason - he doesn't care. I understand that you need to KNOW that before you move on. But from what I see - the proof is there now. You just don't want to accept it because it's too difficult. If there's a part of you that just wants to 'prove' you're right, he's wrong - let that go. He doesn't care if he's wrong. And never will. I wish I could think of ways for you to move closer to a 'leaving' point that don't involve stalking but seeking counselling for self-esteem sounds so lame and I don't know you well enough to say what would work for YOU. Consulting a professional is ok you know - if there's anything free in your area. It doesn't mean you're crazy or weird. It won't be a magic pill but it may plant a seed that could gradually grow to give you, individually, what you need to pull out. Even a woman’s group? I tried one.. it was better than I thought.

 

Whatever you think will help you gather the 'proof' you need to leave ( that isn't illegal or puts you in harms way ) I would get busy doing it. Sounds like it could take a long time so the sooner you start preparing your heart, the sooner it will be ready. Prayers and hugs, TBG

[metrogirl]

Thanks Metrogirl. Yeah, it sucks. I'm trying to not care but I don't feel so good today. I hope not seeing him until at least Saturday will give me enough time to get good and mad instead of feeling sick. I need to think of what to say that will be to the point and subtle without enraging him, but will leave him feeling like a kicked dog for a while.

 

You say you don't want to enrage him, does he have an anger issue as well? Is this why you stayed with him thus far?